


Hope for the Future

by KrisLetang



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Betrayal, Daddy Issues, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fake Marriage, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Panic, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prison, References to Depression, Sort Of, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2020-06-30 10:56:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 86,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19851700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: When Rafael is accused of doing something horrible, who will stand by him during the hardest time in his life?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually terrible. That's all I have to say about it. 
> 
> Oh and it's gonna be a WIP so updates may be a bit sporadic, but it is the main thing I working on right now.

Rafael was sitting in Liv’s apartment when it happened. He had been helping Noah with his spelling homework and Liv was making dinner when there was a sharp knock on the door. Liv had gone to answer. A sharp voice had jerked Rafael out of focus. “Rafael Barba!” He turned to face the voice. 

Two policemen stood before him. “Hands on your head Mr. Barba, get against the wall.” 

“What!?” Rafael asked. “Why?” 

“You’re under arrest,” the officer said. 

“No!” Noah yelled. “Uncle Rafa!” He shot to his feet, but Liv was there in a second, grabbing Noah’s arm. 

“Noah, stay here,” she said. “Why are you arresting him?” There was a bite to her voice when she turned to the officers, but Rafael could hear her trying to keep herself in check for Noah’s sake. Rafael knew the boy was probably scared, and he didn’t want to make this any worse for him. 

“Get against the wall,” the man said, shoving him, and Rafael smacked into the wall, barely catching himself. 

“Hey!” Liv said. “What the hell is going on?” 

“Rafael Barba, you’re under arrest for conspiracy to commit murder. You have the right to remain silent.” Rafael’s brain felt like a mess of white noise as they read him his Miranda Rights. Murder? He had absolutely no idea what they were talking about, and they weren’t being gentle with him as they started to drag him out of the apartment. 

“Liv,” he said. “I don’t know what’s going on.” 

“I’m going to call Rita,” she said, still holding tight to Noah who was crying. 

“Noah,” Rafael said. “It’s going to be okay, buddy. It’s going to be alright.” Even though he was cooperating, the officers were rough with him, and he stumbled on the way out the door. He just needed to hold on until Rita came to get him out. 

………………………..

Rafael was sitting in a dark interrogation room, cold and confused. He wasn’t saying a word to the police until Rita was there. He was tired and worried, and he felt like an energy current was running through his body. He couldn’t breathe. They certainly weren’t giving him any preferential treatment. They’d been anything but kind to him, pushing him around and taking any opportunity to bump him into walls or the car door. 

He needed Liv. He wanted her to hug him and comfort him because he was scared even though he knew it was stupid. It was really stupid of him to worry about something that he definitely didn’t do, but he knew how the legal system worked. 

When the door finally opened and he saw Rita’s face, he let out a sigh of relief. “Rafael,” she said. “Are you alright?” She turned to the officer. “I need time alone with my client.” The man glared, but he shut the door, and Rita came to sit beside him. 

“I don’t know what’s going on Rita. They arrested me for conspiracy to commit murder, and I don’t know what they’re talking about,” Rafael said. 

“Breathe,” Rita said. “I’m sure we can clear this up. Let me do the talking when they come in here, and we’ll get you out of here.” 

“Is Liv okay?” he asked softly. 

“She sounded scared,” Rita said. “The best thing we can do now is get you home.” He nodded, taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself. Rita was right. 

…………………………

Rafael’s head was spinning. Questioning couldn’t have gone worse. The police didn’t seem to have any doubt in their minds that he was guilty, and that struck him as really bad. They were holding back some sort of damning evidence, but he wasn’t sure how that was even possible considering he had nothing to do with any murder. 

Now, he was sitting alone in a dark cell. He was going to be arraigned in the morning. Rita had fought to get him his own cell at least, so he wasn’t worrying about other people bothering him. His eye was aching, and he was sure it was pretty swollen. He’d been socked in the face by one of the corrections officers who’d taken him from central booking to the cell. He was shaking, sitting hunched in on himself, and wishing he was anywhere else. 

_ “Can you explain this withdraw from your bank account?” the police officer asked, sliding a paper across the table to Rafael. Rafael stared at the paper, trying to remember what it was for. The last couple of months had been such a blur, but after a moment, he remembered.  _

_ “My friend asked to borrow some money,” he said, and it was true. Yelina had come to him, asking him for a loan. She hadn’t been doing well since Alex went to jail.  _

They hadn’t believed a word he said. Rafael was cold and he felt tears welling up in his eyes. He had to believe that Rita was going to get him out of this. 

“ _ How do you know Judge Oscar Briggs?” the officer asked.  _

_ “Um, he’s presided over cases before,” Rafael said after glancing at Rita.  _

_ “Did you ever have a problem with him?” the other man said. Rafael glanced at Rita again, but she stepped in.  _

_ “Can we get to the point,” she said. “What does it matter if he had a problem with a Judge or not?”  _

_ “It matters if he had him killed over it,” the officer said.  _

They thought he’d paid a hitman to take out a judge that had pissed him off. Judge Briggs had been nothing but a thorn in Rafael’s side, and they’d had more than a few run ins, but he couldn’t imagine why the hell they believed that he would have a judge killed over professional disagreements. 

Rafael couldn’t believe this was happening to him. His head was aching. All he wanted to do was go home, but he was stuck in this jail cell, and it felt like his life was starting to crumble around him. 

…………………………

It was a relief for Rafael to walk into the courtroom and see Rita again. She took one look at his black eye and scowled. He looked just to his right and saw Olivia, and that sent a wave of calm throughout his body. If anyone could fix this, it was Liv. “Are you okay?” Rita asked softly, but he didn’t have a chance to answer. The bailiff was calling his case, and it was so strange to him to hear his own name. The people versus Rafael Barba. It felt so wrong. He was shaking again. 

“How does the defendant plead?” the judge asked, and Rita answered for him immediately. 

“Not guilty your honor,” she said. 

“The people on bail?” 

Rafael didn’t recognize the ADA on the case which felt like further insult to injury. “Remand, your honor. Mr. Barba is accused of ordering a hit on a judge that he didn’t like. The people believe he is a continuing danger to those around him, and he has the motive and resources to flee.” 

“Your honor,” Rita said. “Mr. Barba is a lifelong civil servant who is being smeared by these claims. He should be released on his own recognisance. He wants nothing more than to clear his name. He has strong ties to the community, a job at the DAs office, and an apartment. He has no prior criminal record.” 

“Bail is set at one million,” the judge said. Rafael gulped. He didn’t have a million dollars, and he wasn’t sure he could spend another night in jail. He just wanted to take a shower and close his eyes and pray that it was all a dream. 

“Okay,” Rita said softly. “I’m going to bail you out. Just hold on.” Rafael nodded, letting them take him back through the doors. He sat in a cell for a little while longer before Rita was there to collect him. She guided him out to a car, and he sat there, shoulders slumped, feeling horrible. “What the hell did they do to your eye?” Rita asked. 

“He punched me,” Rafael said. 

“Who did? An officer? Another inmate?” she asked. 

“One of the officers. He was a big guy, blond, and he hit me in the face on the way from central booking to the holding cell,” Rafael said. 

“Are you alright?” Rita asked. Rafael didn’t know how to respond. “Liv is waiting for you at home. Detective Rollins is watching Noah. Just relax tonight, and I’ll be over to talk to you tomorrow. We’re going to figure this out, okay?” Rafael nodded. 

“I promise I didn’t order this hit on Judge Briggs. I don’t know why this is happening to me,” Rafael said. 

“I brought you a coffee,” Rita said, handing him a cup, and he sipped the warm liquid, trying to calm himself down. 

When he made it to the door of Liv’s apartment, and she was there waiting for him, he threw himself into her arms, pressing his face into her shirt, and she rubbed his back. “Hey,” she whispered. “I know. Come on, let’s sit down.” He let her guide him to the couch, thanking Rita before shutting the door, and he refused to let go of her. He was shaken, and he was acting like a child, but he couldn’t help it. 

“Sorry,” he whispered. “It was a long night.” 

“I know,” Liv said. “You must be starving. Let me get you something to eat.” 

“Just stay here with me for a minute,” he whispered. “Please.” 

“Okay,” Liv murmured, squeezing him tighter. He closed his eyes and pressed his face against her shoulder, trying to calm down. He lifted his head, leaning forward and kissing Liv softly. They had only just begun to explore their budding relationship, and now, Rafael wished that he wasn’t feeling so unmoored. 

Things weren’t supposed to happen like this. “Breathe,” Liv reminded him, murmuring it against his hair. “We’ll figure it out. Just breathe and stop freaking out.” 

“Okay,” Rafael whispered, feeling miserable. 

“I’m going to get you some lunch. What might make you feel even just a little bit better right now?” Liv asked. He was shaking like a leaf. 

“I don’t know that I can eat,” he admitted. “I feel sick to my stomach.” 

“Just try a little bit,” Liv said. “How about I get you a sandwich from that deli you like, and we’ll watch some Netflix and calm down?” He nodded finally. “Do you want to get a shower?” He nodded again. Liv got him a towel and herded him into the bathroom where he turned the water on and stripped out of his dirty clothes. 

The hot water felt good, and it made him more sleepy. He felt completely exhausted. Sleep hadn’t come easy to him in a holding cell. 

Once he felt clean, he dried himself off and Liv had left him a clean pair of sweat pants and an undershirt that he’d left at her place at some point. He pulled them on, going back out to the living room. Liv was waiting for him, and she gave him another hug, inspecting his eye after a second. “Does it hurt?” She asked softly. He shook his head. “Do you want some ice?” 

“Yes please,” He whispered. He sat down on the couch, and Liv brought him back a pack of ice, and she sat down next to him. “Liv,” he said softly. “I’m scared.” 

“I know,” Liv said. “It’s going to be okay, though. I know you didn’t do this, and I won’t let them take you. You have nothing to worry about. You’re innocent.” 

“Thank you,” he sobbed, and Liv rubbed his back. 

“You seem tired, maybe you should shut your eyes for a little bit while I go pick up the food. You’re safe here,” Liv said gently. 

“Okay,” he finally said, his breath hitching. Liv helped him get settled on the couch with Netflix, and he closed his eyes, trying to comfort himself with the fact that Liv had his back. 

…………………………….

After Rafael had rested awhile and he’d eaten the sandwich Liv brought him, they settled on the couch together to watch a movie. Liv was holding him, stroking his hair, and making him feel safe and relaxed. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” Liv asked. He peeked up at her. “While you were arrested, I mean.” 

“It was just….overwhelming,” he admitted. “I was in the interrogation room all by myself, and I couldn’t figure out why they thought I did any of this. I was waiting for Rita, and I was all alone. Liv, they really think I paid someone to kill a judge.” 

“Why the hell would you do that?” Liv asked softly. “I don’t understand what the perceived motive is.” 

His head felt a little fuzzy, and he was struggling to remember everything they said when they were questioning him. “I don’t know,” Rafael whispered. “And then Rita stopped the questioning and they took me to central booking. The guard punched me in the face out of nowhere, and I was on the ground and my eye was aching. Then it was just dark in that cell, and I sat there until morning.” 

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Liv whispered. “I’ll see about what we can do with the guard.” 

“Liv, what if I go to jail?” Rafael asked. 

“Don’t say things like that,” Liv said, and he nodded, quieting down. Liv stroked a hand over his hair once more. “It’s just you and me now.”

“Is Noah okay?” he asked softly. 

“Shaken,” Liv said. “He was upset, but he’ll be alright. I’ll bring him home tomorrow. I just wanted to take care of you tonight.” 

“Okay,” Rafael whispered. 

“You can talk to him on the phone if you’d like,” Liv said. 

“I might like that,” Rafael said. He was quiet for a couple more long moments before he spoke. “Thank you. For being here for me.” 

“I know you’d do the same,” Liv murmured, and Rafael let himself close his eyes once more. He was safe for now. 

………………………..

“Rafael, you need to tell me exactly what happened,” Rita said. “This is hurtling toward trial. The judge is fast tracking it because it involves one of their own. The grand jury is being convened today.” 

Rafael felt dizzy. Nothing was slowing down at all. It felt like some sort of nightmare situation from a movie, not his real life. He was on the verge of panicking, but Liv patted his arm, reaching for his hand and grounding him back in the present. “The money was a misunderstanding,” Rafael said. “I was at work and I got a call from Yelina Munoz. We’re old friends. I thought maybe she would finally see that everything with Alex wasn’t personal. She asked me for help. She has two daughters, and she said she couldn’t make ends meet, so I gave her some money. It wasn’t enough for a hit though.” 

“How much did you give her?” Rita asked. 

“I don’t know, three thousand,” Rafael said. “It was from my savings account. I was just trying to help out.” 

“And you’ve never seen this guy before?” Rita asked, sliding the picture across the table toward him. He shook his head. “He’s the hitman you supposedly paid for.” 

“Rita, I’ve never seen this guy,” Rafael said. 

“I believe you,” Rita said. “But the jury won’t. The prosecution is definitely going to call him to the stand. They cut a deal.” 

Rafael covered his face with his hands, feeling weary. He was on mandatory leave from work as of the day before, and all he was doing was spending his time in Liv’s apartment because media was chasing him down everywhere he went. His life was crumbling around him. 

“I don’t have all the discovery material yet. I’ll call you when I get more, but right now, I’m thinking we need to try and prove that you gave that money to Yelina Munoz,” Rita said. 

“Yelina wouldn’t do this,” Rafael whispered. “It has to be some sort of coincidence.” He saw Rita and Liv glance at each other, but they didn’t argue with him. 

……………………….

Rafael was trying to be optimistic, but it was hard when he was sitting at the wrong table in a courtroom, listening to some baby ADA tell a jury that he hired a hitman to kill a judge he didn’t like. The grand jury had indicted him immediately, and Rita had put him up in a hotel room to try and stave off the media. Liv and Noah visited every night, and Liv kept talking about sending Noah to Rollins’ again so she could stay with him, but he didn’t want to displace the young boy from his home. 

Rita’s opening statement was good. She was doing her best, but they’d hit a wall with Yelina, and Rita was struggling to get anything definitive that exonerated him on such short notice. He knew Liv was working on it too, but she couldn’t get warrants or arrest anyone. The police and the DAs office weren’t listening at all. It seemed that everyone had already decided he was guilty. 

He knew it was bad. It was looking worse and worse everyday, and he wasn’t sleeping anymore. He couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen to him in jail. Liv kept promising him that it wasn’t going to happen, but he wasn’t sure that he could believe that anymore. 

By the end of day one, Rafael truly was losing hope. They had bank statements that looked bad, and he had no proof that he’d paid the money to Yelina. He’d given her cash like an idiot because she didn’t want to wait for a check to clear. They had his DNA on the envelope, of course, because he’d handed it to her. She had been wearing gloves because it was cold out. 

They had the hitman who was testifying to get a deal, and Yelina flat out denied that he’d given her anything. Rita was doing her best, but she didn’t have much to work with. There was too much physical evidence, and Rafael was beginning to think that this trial was already over. 

……………………………………..

He was moping, laying in bed in the hotel and not getting up. He couldn’t force himself to bother trying to make himself dinner or watch tv. His mother kept calling him, but he couldn’t handle her stress on top of his own. “Rafa?” Liv’s voice jolted him from his self pity. “Rafael?” He heard her footsteps come closer and closer. She stopped by the bed, her hand going to his back and rubbing softly. “Hey. That bad?” He just nodded. “Can I sit and wallow with you?” He nodded again. 

Liv laid on the bed, pressing herself up against his back and winding her arms around his waist to hold him. “How long are we gonna do this wallowing thing?” Liv whispered, and in spite of himself, he felt a laugh bubbling up in his chest. Liv somehow knew how to cheer him up even when he felt like complete shit. 

“Five more minutes?” he asked softly. Liv kissed the side of his neck. 

“I think I can do five more minutes, and then, I want to do something else,” Liv whispered, and her warm breath ghosted over his ear, making him shudder. 

“I think I like that idea,” Rafael said softly. 

“Yeah?” Liv asked softly. 

“Yeah,” Rafael said back. “Can I still wallow?” Liv laughed softly against his shoulder. 

“I’m that boring?” she asked softly, her tone light. 

“Absolutely not,” he finally said. 

“Well, that’s good to know,” Liv whispered, pushing him onto his back. He looked up at her, emotion shining in his eyes, and Liv pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. 

“Any time,” she said back. “I’m not kidding, though, get your pants off.” 

“Very romantic,” he whispered, smirking at her, but he wiggled out of his pants. It was funny and breathless at first, both of them laughing softly, and it was just what he needed, but when Liv was rocking against him, their eyes locked, and Rafael felt more vulnerable than he ever had before, some of his fear shone through. He was sure Liv saw it on his face, and she leaned her forehead against his, stroking her fingers through his hair between breathless kisses. 

“I promise it’s going to be okay,” Liv whispered. “I promise.” He couldn’t stop the flow of tears, and he pressed his face against her shoulder. Liv cradled him close, but they didn’t stop. He needed the release. 

Afterwards, he laid in her arms, and she squeezed him close, hand pushing his sweaty hair off his forehead. He just snuggled in against her and tried to bask in the afterglow. “I think we should get some room service,” Liv whispered. 

“Room service sounds good,” he agreed. “After I bask a little bit. I just wanna lay here.” 

“M’kay,” Liv said. “I think I can keep my stomach from consuming itself for another half hour.” He laughed again; he was eternally grateful for Liv. 

……………………………

Rafael couldn’t believe that they had Rollins up on the stand, reading a court transcript from the day he’d yelled at Oscar Briggs. It had been over a case, and Rafael was getting a splitting headache thinking about all the things they were using against him. Rafael grabbed Rita’s legal pad, scribbling down a note to her.  _ This was over a case. I’ve blown up on judges before. _

Rita nodded at him after reading what he’d written. She’d been there when he blew up on other judges, and none of them had ended up dead. He knew it was a weak defense especially when they had much more than just the flimsy motive against him. He didn’t want to believe that Yelina had done this to him, but he didn’t know what else could have possibly happened. There was so much fake evidence built up against him. 

Rita managed a good cross, getting Rollins to further elaborate on the situation. Rafael knew Rita would touch on his fights with other judges when she got him up on the stand later. He was going to chalk the day up as a win until the prosecution handed Rita a folder after the judge had adjourned for the day. The look on her face when she opened it made his heart sink in his chest.

He was being framed, and he didn’t think he was going to be able to prove to them that he was innocent. He was on the verge of throwing the towel in, on the verge of completely giving up because the prosecution had the jury. There was just too much evidence. The scales weren’t tipped in his favor, and he wasn’t sure that Rita was going to be able to do anything about it. 

Liv was looking at him worriedly when he finally made it out of the courtroom. She and Rita shoved him through the throng of reporters, getting him into a car, and then they were talking about the folder, and Rafael couldn’t keep up. His head was spinning. Something about cell phone location in proximity to someone and security footage. He couldn’t breathe. He felt hands on his shoulders, and he managed to focus his eyes on Liv. “Breathe,” she whispered. “Rafael, take a deep breath, honey.” 

“Liv,” he gasped. “I can’t--I can’t do this.” 

“Shh,” Liv whispered. “It’s going to be okay.” 

“Stop!” he exclaimed. “Stop telling me it’s going to be okay. It’s not going to be okay.” Liv flinched slightly, and he took a deep breath finally, trying to clear his head. “What are we going to do if they find me guilty?” 

“Rafa,” Liv whispered. 

“We should start thinking about it,” Rita cut in, and Rafael appreciated her honesty. “I can ask them to put you in protective custody, but I don’t know if the judge will agree.” 

“Protective custody only does so much,” Rafael whispered. 

“It’s better than nothing,” Liv said, laying a hand on his shoulder. “I won’t stop looking for evidence to get you out, Rafael. If they send you to jail, I’m going to make sure you don’t stay there. I promise.” He nodded, emotion shining in his eyes. 

“You’ll be able to get visitors in protective custody,” Rita said. “But you won’t have any privacy.” 

“What about….conjugal visits,” Liv said. Rafael stared at her for a second, but he had to admit that twenty four hours with Liv sounded great if he was stuck in prison. It was something that would keep him from losing all hope. 

“You have to be married,” Rita said. Liv looked at Rafael, and it was quiet for a couple of minutes in the car. 

“You wanna go to city hall?” Liv asked after a couple of seconds. 

“Are you proposing?” he joked, his smile a weak raise of the lips. 

“We’ll figure this out later, Rafael. It’s just a safeguard,” Liv said. 

“Okay,” he whispered. 

“There’s a judge who owes me a favor,” Rita said. “I can get the marriage license expedited.” 

“Thanks,” Rafael whispered, holding tight to Liv’s hand to try and keep himself calm. 

…………………………..

Rafael’s hands were shaking. He didn’t have a ring, and he felt lightheaded and upset. He was trying not to think about what had been in that folder. Rita told him she was going to tell him tomorrow. She wanted him to try and relax tonight, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Liv was filling out paperwork, and she handed it to him to sign. He could barely write his own signature. 

Rita was sticking around to act as their witness, and he was pretty sure she was trying to keep an eye on him because he was so upset. He couldn’t even force himself to put on a good face for their sakes. He really was feeling absolutely awful. It was like there was this tight ball of dread that had settled at the pit of his stomach, and it wouldn’t go away. It was all he could pay attention to, and it was all he felt. It was like his worst nightmares were all coming true. 

When they were standing before the judge, and Rafael was looking at Liv, his eyes filled with tears. This had been what he always wanted for himself eventually; he was marrying Liv, but it wasn’t real. He was marrying her because he was probably going to jail soon for a crime he didn’t commit, and he could see the pain and sadness in her eyes. 

He hated the whole situation. He hated himself for having fallen into the trap. He’d played right into it, and now he was paying dearly. He pulled himself from his thoughts, trying to make this at least somewhat special for Olivia. It’s not like you got married every day even if it wasn’t a real wedding. He smiled at her a little bit, and he knew he was crying, but he was also trying to be a little bit happy. He leaned forward, kissing her when it was time, and her hand rested over the back of his neck, keeping him close, their foreheads resting against each other. It was an intimate moment against all odds. 

Rita dropped them off at his hotel room, and they sat on the bed in the room quietly. “Are you alright?” Liv asked after a few moments. 

“Not really,” he whispered. Liv wrapped her arms around him from behind, her left arm winding under his, hand resting over his side, and her right arm rested over his right shoulder, palm over his sternum. 

“I know this is scary,” Liv whispered. “I’m scared too.” 

“I know you are,” Rafael said. “I’m sorry you’re being dragged into this mess.” The tears were about to flow over, and he didn’t think he had the strength to hold them back. He shook a little bit as he let the sobs out. “How could this be happening to me? Liv, I’m not going to survive.” 

“Don’t give up completely, Rafa,” Liv whispered. “They haven’t found you guilty yet.” 

“It’s only a matter of time,” he said, dropping his head into his hands. 

“Do you want me to tell you about what was in the folder?” Liv asked. 

“Do I want to know?” he asked softly. 

“Probably not tonight,” Liv said. He let out a shaky breath. “Let’s forget all of this tonight. I think we should have some champagne and some dinner, and we can enjoy our wedding night, huh?” He sniffled again. 

“Okay,” he whispered. “Um, but before we do that, I want to see Noah tomorrow if I can. I need to tell him I love him, and we need to get some things together. I’m going to need a money order. Maybe Rita can get me power of attorney papers. Liv….” he trailed off, his emotions starting to get the better of him. Liv hugged him again. 

“Oh, honey,” she whispered. “Tomorrow. I promise, we’ll take care of all of it. Just for tonight, try not to think about it. For me.” 

“Okay,” he whispered, and Liv handed him a tissue. 

“I’m going to order dinner. How about you go clean up in the shower, and I’ll be in to join you in a few,” Liv said softly, pressing a kiss to his lips. He nodded. 

The shower felt good, but it was hard to quiet his thoughts until Liv climbed in with him. She just kissed his neck and held him for a couple of moments. Her hand rubbed over his belly, fingers brushing the soft, damp hair that trailed down his stomach, and Rafael leaned back into her. 

It felt really good when Liv reached around, just barely touching him, but it was enough that he let out a soft sigh. He knew she was trying to relax him, to get him to stop thinking, and he hoped that he would be able to calm down enough to let her do that. He needed a good night’s sleep. He needed an evening without stress. He needed one night where he was married to Liv and it wasn’t because he was probably going to prison. 

She didn’t tease him too much, slicking her hand with soap and working him up into a frenzy. He let out a little sigh when she let go, but she spun him around, dropping down to her knees, and he nearly came on the spot. He was worked up and teaming with energy, but he sagged back against the wall, his mind going blissfully blank as he shuddered and stilled. Liv worked him through it, stroking her fingers through his hair as she stood, and he felt better. 

They both cleaned up before moving out to the bed. Their food arrived shortly, and Rafael focused on eating. The scotch helped to calm his frayed nerves, and Liv rubbed his back and held his hand when he seemed to need it. He was trying his best to calm down, but his anxiety was tumbling off the rails. He’d taken a xanax, but it hadn’t really helped as much as he’d hoped. He wanted to take another one, but it would ruin their evening if he did. 

In the end, the intimacy was good for him, his face pressed against Liv’s neck, her fingers raking through his hair as he rolled his hips slowly, keeping the pace heavy and controlled. Taking Liv apart with his mouth later was just the cherry on top. When she held him afterwards, things felt a little better. Liv was right. Forgetting for one night was just what he needed. 

………………………………….

Rafael was sitting with Noah on the couch. He was shaking slightly still, but he was trying not to broadcast his emotions. He didn’t want to scare Noah, but he wasn’t tricking anyone. “Uncle Rafa?” Noah asked softly. “Why are you sad?” Rafael let out a shaky breath, reaching out to run his hand over Noah’s hair. 

“Noah, honey,” Rafael said softly. “I might have to go away for a little while.” 

Noah frowned. “Why?” he asked after a few moments of silence. Rafael wasn’t sure what to tell him, so he went with the truth. 

“They think I did something bad,” Rafael said, “So I might have to go away for a little bit while your mom shows them that I didn’t, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still love you or your Mom, and I promise, I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Noah hugged him. 

“I don’t want you to go,” Noah whispered. 

“I don’t want to go either,” Rafael said softly. He just held Noah, trying to keep a handle on himself, but it had been a trying day. Apparently, recently, Rafael had been in close proximity to the hitman at a restaurant, and the prosecution was playing if off like he’d been meeting him there. The hitman had also apparently called his phone at some point on the night he killed Oscar Briggs. Rafael wasn’t sure if there was anything they could do to resurrect this case anymore. 

He was starting to prepare himself for a guilty verdict, but he was feeling more and more overwhelmed every single day. Liv sat down beside them, and they put on a movie, trying to enjoy the night together. 

When Liv went to put Noah to bed, Rafael couldn’t help standing up and forking a trembling hand through his hair. He started pacing, unable to contain himself. He felt Liv’s eyes on him after a while, and when he looked over, she was leaning against the wall, watching him. “You okay?” she asked softly. He just shook his head. 

“Liv,” he whispered, his voice breaking. 

“I know,” Liv whispered. This time there were no assurances that it was going to be okay as Liv pulled him close. They both knew it wasn’t going to be okay. He was going to testify, but he didn’t think the case was at the point where he could salvage anything anymore. Liv guided his face against her shirt, and he cried. “Shh,” she murmured, “I know.” 

“Liv,” he said again. He didn’t know what he was trying to say, but he could feel her shaking as well. 

“I know,” Liv said. “I know, just breathe. I’m not going anywhere. We’ll make this work. I’m going to get you out.” He felt this weird flash of anger building up inside of him, and he pulled back. 

“How?” He asked lowly. “You can’t seem to find anything right now.” He was angry and it was a low blow, but he couldn’t control his emotions. 

Liv looked surprised, and he wanted to apologize but just burst into tears again instead. She pulled him close, comforting him despite the fact that he’d just snapped at her. Her hand was soft on his back, the way it rubbed in circles as she whispered to him. His chest was heaving, and he was trembling in her arms, and he could feel her shaking as well. They were both a mess. “I’m sorry,” he finally managed to murmur. “I’m just so scared. I know you’re trying.” 

“It’s okay, honey,” Liv whispered. 

“No, it’s not,” he said softly, letting his forehead fall against her shoulder. 

……………………………….

Rafael was in one more meeting with the prosecution before the jury was going to come in. They wanted him to plead guilty, but he was innocent, and he knew, the moment he pled guilty, he was going to lose any chance he had at an appeal. He couldn’t do it. Rita was looking at him like he should consider it. “I can’t,” he whispered. “Rita, I swear to God, I didn’t do this.” 

“We can’t take the deal,” Rita said. 

“Mr. Barba,” the ADA said. “This is your last chance. If you’re convicted, you’re going to get 25 to life. I’m offering you 20 years to wrap this up now and save ourselves the hassle.” 

“Can’t you see he’s innocent?” Liv asked. She sounded mad. “Yelina Munoz is setting him up. He sent her husband to jail, and now, she wants revenge. He lent her money. He was just trying to help her out. He would give his shirt off his back to someone who hasn’t spoken to him in over a year. He’d give his heart out of his chest. You’re blind if you can’t see how good of a man he is.” Rafael felt tears in his eyes, and he looked down at his hands, trying to get a handle on himself. 

“Lieutenant,” the ADA said, sounding unimpressed. “You of all people should know that we follow the evidence, and unfortunately, the evidence points toward Mr. Barba. I guess he’s not the man you thought he was.” 

Rafael could sense Liv was about to say something else, but he reached behind himself for her hand, squeezing once to tell her it was alright. “I’m sorry, counselor,” Rafael said. “I’m not guilty, so I’m going to have to decline your plea deal.” 

They gave him a look as they left, and Liv squeezed his hand again. Rita just looked at him with these sad eyes. “We’re going to get you out,” she said. “I promise.” 

His testimony hadn’t done anything to save him. They had no way to counteract the evidence the prosecution had, and Rafael didn’t know what to do anymore. He was going to prison. They had cash for him to take in with him, and Liv promised that she was going to work on the conjugal visits as soon as possible. She was still looking into Yelina and some way to prove that Rafael had given her the money. 

He just hoped that he wouldn’t be in there for long. He didn’t know if he could survive. 

…………………………..

When the jury had said guilty, it had felt like his world was ending. Despite knowing it was coming, hearing it had been an entirely different thing. Liv had hugged him, Rita had patted his arm and promised she was going to get him out to await sentencing, but he could barely hear anything. 

They had cuffed him and dragged him away again, and all he wanted to do was cry, but he held on the best he could. Rita was speaking with the judge about his bail, and he knew they’d get him out soon. He would have a week or two before being sentenced if this went anything like the trial, and he would get his things together and say goodbye to everyone. 

As he sat in the little cell, he couldn’t help the tears that streamed down his cheeks. He sat in the corner, knees drawn up to his chest, and he tried to calm down, but it was all too much. It was over. There was no hope anymore. He was definitely going to prison whether it be indefinitely or only for a brief period of time. 

Rita showed up for him after a little while, and they unlocked his cell. She spared him the embarrassment of mentioning his tear streaked face. “Come on,” she said softly. “Let’s get you home.” 

“I want a scotch,” he said. Rita looked at him a second before agreeing. 

………………………..

Rafael was drunk off his ass. Rita hadn’t stopped him from downing scotches like it was nobody’s business. He needed to numb the despair that had hit him like a truck. He was going to die in prison. There was no way he was going to survive the corrections officers who had it out for him not to mention prisoners who had it out for a district attorney. He was a walking target. 

He wasn’t a stranger to bullies or being picked on, but he had nowhere to run in prison. He knew it was going to be bad, and he was trying to mentally prepare himself for it. He hoped that protective custody might keep him from getting himself killed, but he wasn’t even sure of that. He was going to have to hug Liv and Noah and his mother extra tight before sentencing. 

The idea of conjugal visits with Liv were just about the only thing keeping him sane anymore. He would have that contact with her while he waited and prayed for a miracle to save him. He would have something to think about and to focus on. 

“Rafael,” Rita’s voice startled him. He had been staring at the amber liquid in his glass. 

“Hmm?” he asked. 

“Liv is calling,” Rita said, handing his phone to him. His head was swimming, but he brought the phone up to his ear. 

“Hello?” he asked. 

“Hey,” Liv said. “I know you’re out with Rita, but I was wondering if you want to come back to the hotel room.” He could hear the emotion in her voice. She needed him, and he was being selfish. He knew this was hard on her too. 

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” he said. “I’m a little drunk though, fair warning.” 

“Drunk is okay,” Liv said. “I just wanna hold you.” 

“Mmm, sounds good,” Rafael said. He was stumbling a little bit on the way out the door, and Rita held onto his arm to keep him from falling on his face. 

“I should have cut you off awhile ago, huh?” Rita asked. 

“Don’t worry,” Rafael whispered. “I won’t be able to drink soon enough anyways.” Rita didn’t say anything in response to that. She got him into a cab and helped him buckle up. He was more shit faced than he first realized, and he had to make the driver pull over so he could get out and throw up on the side of the road. 

He was so drunk that Rita had to walk him up to the hotel and turn him over to Liv. She looked at him for a couple of moments before pulling him into her arms and not letting go. He felt himself breaking apart again and sobbing against her as she gently stroked his hair. “It’s okay,” she whispered. “I’m right here. I’m going to fix this, Rafael. I’m going to fix it.” All he could do was nod and try to believe her because otherwise, everything felt lost. 

……………………………

Rafael was sitting on the edge of the bed. His sentencing was tomorrow. It was his last day as a free man. He’d hugged Noah and said his goodbyes to his mother and the rest of the squad. He wasn’t sure if any of them believed him anymore. Now, he was spending his last night in Liv’s arms before he’d be all alone in a little jail cell.

“Hey,” Liv whispered from somewhere behind him, and he turned his head. 

“Hi,” he said softly. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” She asked, climbing on the bed. 

“Just wallowing again,” he whispered. Liv sighed. 

“Listen,” she said. “I have something for you.” She pulled out a little box, and he opened it to find a simple silver wedding band. 

He looked up at her with wide eyes. “To remind you what you’re going to come home to,” Liv said softly. “I’ll get you out of there, I promise.” He nodded, tears filling his eyes as he let her slip it on his finger. He paused a moment, thumbing his chain before he took it off. 

“I want you to hold on to this for me,” Rafael said, putting his crucifix necklace around Liv’s neck and fastening it for her. “Until I get out.” 

“Okay,” Liv whispered, her voice cracking, and he pulled her into his arms, trying to remember the way it felt to hold her. 

“Liv,” he whispered again. “If something happens to me--” 

“Rafa,” Liv interrupted. “Don’t say things like that.” 

“Liv, please,” He whispered. 

“Okay.” Her voice was small and broken. 

“If something happens to me, I want you to give Noah the crucifix when he’s older. Just make sure he knows I loved him,” Rafael said, and Liv couldn’t hold back a sob. “I know. None of this feels real.” 

“Rafa,” she whispered, pulling back slightly so she could look him in the eyes. She raised her hand to his face, fingers brushing through the soft hair just behind his ear, her thumb brushing over his cheek. “I love you.” His face crumpled, and Liv brushed tears away from his cheeks. 

They hadn’t said it yet to each other even though Liv knew he felt the same. Things were so tentative and new, but now they were forced into a position where they couldn’t take it at an easy pace. He had to know how she felt. He reached up, covering her hand with his own. “I love you too,” he whispered finally. 

……………………………………..

It was a lot to hear a judge sentence him to over decades in prison. He didn’t fight as the officers took him into custody, and he tried not to let himself cry. It took awhile for him to be picked up by the bus that was transporting him to Rikers, and as he sat in a little seat, surrounded by real criminals. These were the people who he’d spent his life putting in jail. His ankles were chained together and his wrists were chained to his waist. 

He’d never felt worse. Every single time that he felt like he was hitting his lowest point, somehow, it got worse. He wasn’t sure how long it was until rock bottom, but he was rapidly approaching. He wouldn’t get out of jail before he was dead if he served out his sentence, and Liv hadn’t been able to make any progress yet. 

He was distracted as they took his picture and fingerprinted him. He was handed an ugly jump suit and other various clothing items, and he just held them in his hands, trying to calm down. He didn’t want anyone at the jail to see him shaking. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath, resolving to stay strong until he could be alone. Even then, he’d have to be careful. 

There were lots of people talking to him and asking him questions and he felt like his head was spinning. He was sitting at this little table, his hands still cuffed together, the clothing sitting in his lap. There was a woman there was introduced herself as his case manager, and there were three corrections officers seated at the table as well. One of the officers introduced themselves as a counselor as well, but Rafael just wanted to get this meeting over with. He was avoiding eye contact as much as he could. 

“It says here that you’d like to be placed in protective custody,” the case manager said. 

“Yes, please,” Rafael said. 

“I would still have to suggest that you try to survive in Gen Pop instead of putting yourself straight into protective custody,” the woman said. 

“No offense,” Rafael said. “But I don’t trust anyone to keep me safe in here.” 

“Let’s review your case details then,” the manager said, opening up his file, and she skimmed over the page. “Perhaps protective custody is the best option here.” One of the corrections officers leaned over her shoulder, reading the file. 

“A DA,” he said, glancing at Rafael. 

“What are you in for?” the other guy asked. 

“Don’t you watch the news?” the third one said. “Mr. Barba, here, ordered a hit on a judge.” 

“Barba?” the other guy said, and Rafael didn’t like the glint in his eyes. “Aren’t you the lawyer who went after two good cops for that shooting.” Rafael didn’t respond. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” 

“He’s the one who went after Munson,” the other one said. Rafael didn’t like the looks on their faces. 

“Let’s get back to the task at hand,” his case manager said. Rafael shifted around uncomfortably. “I’m sure you’ll be approved for protective custody without a problem. You’ll have restricted access to many of the privileges Gen Pop inmates have. I’m sure you’re aware New York state recently updated minimum guidelines for protective custody inmates, so you will still have access to the commissary, an hour of exercise outdoors away from others, the law library, phone calls, visitation, etc.” She kept talking at him, and Rafael’s head was starting to pound. He wanted to lay down more than anything. 

He was embarrassed when he had to strip down for an officer, but he figured he’d better get used to it. A doctor examined him really quickly, and they forced him to speak to a psychiatrist who did a quick evaluation before they finally took him to his cell. The guard who had recognized him stopped him on his way into the little room, invading Rafael’s space. “You and I are going to be seeing a lot of each other,” he said softly, and Rafael didn’t say anything. He couldn’t react or show fear. 

Rafael moved into the little cell. It was bare and empty, and he put his things down on it as they shut the door after unlocking his cuffs. He took a seat on the bed, and he finally let himself break down. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure if I was going to post this, but I decided to jump back in after my sort of hiatus. This is still set up, but the drama is high. I hope it's good. I've updated the tags.

It had taken one long month for Rita to finally leverage the DAs office into conjugal visits. Liv still had no idea how she’d managed it, but she was forever grateful. She finally had a lead, but it was only a small one. Liv had called in a favor to check Yelina’s phone records, but they were clean, so she knew she was searching for a burner phone. She just hoped Yelina hadn’t dumped it. 

She was taking a day where she wasn’t going to worry about that though. She was going to focus on Rafael. It felt like it had been an eternity since she’d seen him, and she had been worrying constantly. All she’d gotten were a few short phone calls, and he didn’t say much. He mostly just asked her to talk to him, and she did her best. 

She’d gone through a metal detector and turned over her gun, and now, she was waiting for him. She just wanted to pull him into her arms and hold him. 

When they brought him in, he looked tiny, dressed in orange with his hands shackled behind him. Liv could see a nasty bruise on his face and he had steri strips covering a cut on his forehead. The guard was rough as he unlocked Rafael’s cuffs, shoving him a little bit, and it broke her heart to see him just take it. “Twenty four hours, Barba,” the man said gruffly. Rafael nodded, and then they were finally alone. 

He was in her arms before she could say a word, and she squeezed him tight to her. They stood there like that, silently, for what felt like forever. There was something desperate about the way he was clinging to her, and she didn’t even know what to say. She just wanted to make all of this better. “Sorry,” he whispered after awhile, starting to pull back, but Liv didn’t let him. 

“Don’t be sorry,” Liv said. “I’ve missed you more than anything.” 

“I swear to God,” he whispered. “This was the only thing keeping me sane.” Liv just pulled him closer. 

He was so skinny like he’d lost at least twenty pounds since she’d last seen him. At first, she had thought it was an illusion caused by overly baggy clothes, but hugging him revealed how much weight he’d actually lost. 

“I’m sorry it took so long,” Liv said. “Rita had to fight.” 

“It’s okay,” Rafael whispered, finally pulling back. His eyes looked different, duller, and he looked unkempt. There were bags under his eyes, and his hand was shaking between hers. Liv curled her fingers in his jumpsuit, pulling him closer, and he looked at her with wide eyes. 

“Can I kiss you?” she asked softly. He nodded, and she smiled at him before she leaned in. It started out as a soft brush of their lips, but Rafael didn’t want to let go of her, and she didn’t make him. It felt desperate and she hated how much he seemed to need it, but she wasn’t going to deny him anything. 

“Can we just….can we just lay down and make out?” Rafael asked softly, his voice breathless as he leaned his face against her shoulder. 

“Whatever you want,” Liv said softly. She backed him up into the bed, but he stopped her at the edge. He took a second, and she wondered if he was going to freak out or not, but he took a really deep breath and sat down. Liv sat down too, and she let him take it at his pace. 

“I need-I need to get this off,” he whispered, and Liv helped him get the ugly orange jumpsuit off. That left him in a pair of boxer briefs and a white tee shirt, and he wasted no time in scooting up the bed and motioning for her to follow. Liv wasn’t sure what he needed. There was something really wrong going on, and she wasn’t sure what to do. He leaned over her, and for just a second, she thought she saw panic in his eyes, but then he kissed her. He didn’t stop kissing her, but it was like he didn’t know what to do with his hands. It was another big clue that he was feeling anxious. Liv steadied him, intertwining their fingers, and he gained a little bit of confidence. 

“I love you,” Liv whispered. 

“I love you too,” he murmured. The kissing was nice and it seemed to distract Rafael for the time being. He started to relax more and more, and she could feel the evidence of his arousal against her leg. “Liv,” he whispered, and there was this hint of emotion in his voice that she hadn’t heard from him before. It was looking more and more like he might unravel. 

“What, sweetheart?” Liv asked softly. 

“I need--I need you, please,” he whispered. 

“Okay,” Liv whispered. “Okay.” She grabbed the hem of his shirt, gently lifting it and pulling it off of his body. She was about to try and push him onto his back so she could straddle him when she saw all the bruising down his ribs. She had to pause, gently running her hand over the black and blue splotches. “Oh, Rafa,” she whispered. 

“No, please,” he whispered, and she could see tears shining in his eyes as spoke. He was begging her. “Just, please. I’m fine.” He wasn’t fine. Everything about him was screaming that he wasn’t fine, but he was telling her what he needed, and she was going to give it to him because after their twenty four hours, he had to go back. 

When she moved to climb into his lap, he stopped her again, and she let him take control. He started kissing her neck and working on the buttons of her shirt. It felt amazing to have his hands on her skin again, to be able to touch him and feel him and know he was okay. She worried every single day. Sometimes, she didn’t sleep at night, wondering if he was lying awake in his cell, alone, thinking about her. She played the last voicemail she had from him on her phone sometimes just so she could hear his voice. She was doing her best, and he was as well, but the situation was impossible. 

Rafael was breathing heavily, soft moans escaping his mouth as he rolled his hips against her thigh. He dropped Liv’s shirt by the bed, reaching down to unbutton her pants. He hooked his fingers in her jeans, pulling them down her thighs, and his eyes were dark as he looked down at her body. He reached under Liv, unhooking her bra, and she forked her fingers through his hair as he started kissing over the swell of her breasts. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you,” he whispered. “You are all I think about, Liv.” 

“I’m here now,” Liv said, stroking her hand over his hair and the nape of his neck. He couldn’t seem to hold himself back, and he started grabbing for her panties. Usually he was more suave about it, but he was pulling at them desperately. He looked at her with panic in his eyes when he accidentally tore them, and she laid a hand on his arm. “Shh,” she whispered. “It’s okay.” She was laughing a little bit, and he looked relieved, the ghost of a smile appearing on his face. “Get your underwear off.” He nodded, pulling them down and kicking them off. 

They didn’t waste any time, and he found her lips as he slowly pressed inside of her. Liv let him swallow her soft exhale of breath. He let out a little whimper when she curled a leg around his hips, changing the angle and allowing him deeper. “Fuck,” he whispered. 

“It’s okay,” Liv said softly. His movements were desperate and frantic, and Liv kept his gaze focused on her face. He looked so gorgeous. She loved watching his eyes flutter shut when he was close, the way his mouth fell open and he whispered her name as his body shuddered. He rested a second before helping finish her off, and then he was just laying there with her, his head pillowed on her stomach. 

Liv stroked his hair, watching as he relaxed. She was so glad to be near him again that it was almost overwhelming. She just wanted to touch him and hold him and assure herself that he was okay--as okay as he could be. He looked up at her, and she gently ran her finger over the gash on his forehead. “Does it hurt?” she asked softly. 

“Not really,” he said softly. 

“What happened?” Liv asked. He looked away from her. 

“It’s not important,” he said. Liv didn’t know if she should push or just let him bottle it up. 

“Are the guards giving you too hard of a time?” Liv asked. 

“I’m fine,” Rafael said, starting to sound irritated. 

“Okay,” Liv said. “Sorry. I’m just worried about you.” 

“Sorry,” he said softly, starting to sit up. “Maybe I should get a shower. Cool off a little. I’m sorry. Everything is just….” 

“I know,” Liv whispered. “I know you’re scared and this is hard, but I have a lead I’m looking into, and I’m going to make sure you don’t stay in here much longer.” 

“Okay,” Rafael whispered, his voice cracking. 

“Go get your shower. I’m going to make you something to eat,” Liv said. 

“Okay,” Rafael said again, standing up. 

…………………………….

When Rafael got out of the shower, Liv had made him a sandwich with the stuff she found in the fridge. He looked refreshed as he sat down at the little table. “I forgot how nice it was to shower on your own,” Rafael said softly, and Liv wanted to deck everyone who was involved in locking him up here. 

“I made sandwiches,” Liv said. 

“Thanks,” Rafael replied. Liv expected him to wolf it down like he did with all his food, but he took a small bite before setting it down. He drank a lot of water though, and she was worried when he barely ate half his food. He crawled back into bed after a bit, and Liv went with him, holding him close as they laid there. “Tell me about Noah.” He whispered. 

“He misses you,” Liv said. “He’s asks me all the time when I’m going to bring you home.” 

“I miss him a lot,” Rafael said softly. 

“Maybe I can get him on the phone next time you call,” Liv said softly. 

“No.” Rafael’s voice sounded panicked. “I don’t want him to see me like this,” Rafael said. 

“Okay, okay,” Liv said, trying to calm him down. “I’ll tell him you say hi. It’s going to be okay.” He nodded, shutting his eyes and letting Liv continue to stroke his hair. 

“I don’t know how I’m going to go back,” Rafael whispered. 

“I know,” Liv whispered. “I’m sorry that it’s taking so long.” 

“You can’t help it,” Rafael whispered. There was something in his voice though that didn’t sound so understanding, and she wanted to fix this now, but she couldn’t. 

“I’m going to fix this,” Liv said. Rafael just nodded. 

……………………….

It was heartbreaking to say goodbye to him again. Liv didn’t want to let him go. He was shaking when the guard started to pound on the door to tell them they had five more minutes. Liv pulled him close, kissing him one last time. “I’ll come visit. Soon. I promise,” Liv said. 

He nodded, but there were tears in his eyes, and Liv hated it. She hugged him and held him close, and he clung until the guards opened the door and ripped him away from her. It was the same officer as the day before, and he yanked Rafael’s arms behind his back, tightening the cuffs until Rafael winced, and Liv’s heart hurt as they dragged him out of there, leaving her alone to collect herself. 

She had to hold back tears as she left, and she managed to do so until she reached the privacy of her car where she cried. She cried because Rafael didn’t deserve to be in there. He was supposed to be at home with her and Noah, but instead, he was being treated like a criminal, being abused by the COs, and she was really concerned about his mental state. 

She had to get him out and soon because she wasn’t sure how much more he could take. He was as close to breaking as Liv had ever seen him, and it terrified her. 

……………………………

Liv was sitting in the bathroom in her apartment, trying to hold back tears. She’d sent Noah out with Lucy to the park so that the apartment would be empty. She needed to be alone for this. Now, she wished more than anything that Rafael wasn’t in prison. She wished that he was in the living room, waiting anxiously for her to tell him the result, but instead, she was sitting in her bathroom, tears in her eyes as she sat on the floor and stared at a little plastic stick. 

She’d wanted this for as long as she could remember, but she’d thought that part of her life was gone. She’d thought her chance was over, but now that it was happening, it almost felt like a nightmare. How was she supposed to tell Rafael when he was in prison? How was she supposed to put that on him at a time like this? 

Liv had thought she wasn’t able to get pregnant. She’d thought that time had long passed, but apparently, it hadn’t because she was definitely pregnant. She’d been throwing up almost constantly, and she’d noticed a little bit of weight gain. She hadn’t realized it though until she was late, and then it had all fallen together. 

She’d bought the test late one night after work when her anxiety was getting to be too much over not knowing. She wasn’t sure she felt any better now that she knew. This was supposed to be a happy moment, but she wasn’t happy. She was worried and nervous, and she didn’t know what to do. She would have to figure it out though. She always did. She had to believe in herself. 

Everything was a disaster, but now she had even more of a reason to push to get Rafael out of prison. She needed him to be with her during this. He deserved to be able to meet his child, to be there when it was born. He deserved to be involved in this, and it wasn’t fair.

She was still crying on the bathroom floor when she heard the door open to the apartment. Noah was home. She tried to wipe her eyes, but she wasn’t sure how successful she was. Noah stared at her when she met him in the living room. “Mommy?” he asked. “Why are you sad?” 

“I’m okay,” Liv said. Noah looked at her for a few more moments before he went over and hugged her, and it was almost overwhelming for her. Noah’s hug made her feel a little bit better. She just hoped that things might work themselves out. 

………………………….

Liv hadn’t recognized the number when her phone began to ring, but she answered the phone all the time now no matter what incase it was Rafael. “Lieutenant Benson?” She recognized the voice, but she didn’t know who it was. “This is Eddie Garcia, Rafi’s friend.” 

“Oh, right, Eddie,” Liv said. “Can I do something for you?” 

“Can I talk to you about Yelina Munoz?” Eddie said. “Somewhere private.” 

“Um,” Liv said. “I can meet you for lunch.” They worked out a place to meet, and Liv started to try and get herself ready for the day. She’d taken a personal day from work, trying to figure out what the hell to do. She was feeling awful, morning sickness hitting her hard. Nausea had been overwhelming her for days, and she was having a hard time adjusting. 

She met Eddie at a restaurant, and he looked wary, glancing around them every few seconds. He rubbed the back of his neck when they sat down, ordering a water, and Liv got water as well. “What was it you wanted to talk about?” Liv asked. 

“Um,” Eddie said, looking down. “I should have called you sooner, but I was scared.” Liv felt hope rising in her chest. “Is Rafi okay?” 

“Not really,” Liv said. 

“Damn it,” Eddie whispered, scrubbing his hands over his face. “Yelina….I didn’t want to give up on our friendship, but I can’t let her hurt Rafael like this.” 

“It’s not too late,” Liv said softly. “I can get him out of there, but you have to tell me everything you know. It might be our only chance to save him.” 

“I was at Yelina’s house,” Eddie said. “Sometimes I help watch the girls, and she was in the other room on the phone. I heard her saying she was going to meet someone and that she had three thousand dollars for them. I didn’t know what that meant, but I agreed to watch the girls. Yelina said she was going to the Bronx.” 

“Do you know where in the Bronx?” Liv asked. 

“I don’t,” Eddie said. “Sorry.” 

“Do you remember what the date was?” Liv asked, trying to figure out how she was going to get enough evidence for a warrant. This was good though. She was much closer now to getting Rafael out of prison. 

“The night that judge was murdered,” Eddie said softly. “She had this envelope with her, and I remember that because she’d yelled at me hours earlier when I went to pick it up. She told me not to touch it.” 

“Was she wearing gloves when she left?” Liv asked. Eddie nodded. “Alright. I’m going to need you to sign a witness statement so I can get a warrant from a judge.” 

“Okay,” Eddie said softly. Liv finally felt a semblance of calmness. She might be able to actually get Rafael out very soon. 

………………………………….

Liv wasn’t sure what she was going to say to Rafael when she saw him. There was so much she could say, but she wasn’t sure what would upset him more than it would help him. She wanted more than anything to tell him she was pregnant. She wanted to talk to him and hear what he wanted to do, but she didn’t want to stress him out when things were already so hard. 

Somehow, he looked even worse than the last time she’d seen him. He looked so tired that she just wanted to cry, and he had a new array of bruises on his face. His lip was split, and Liv glared at the guard who unlocked him before leaving. She had seen the man lean in and whisper something to Rafael just prior to his departure from the room. Rafael had flinched almost immediately. 

He looked lost when the door shut, and Liv had to say his name three times before he focused on her face. He looked dazed, and he didn’t say anything. “Hey,” she said softly. He wrapped his arms around his torso. “Can I touch you?” He nodded a little bit. Liv cautiously approached him, seriously worrying that he might flee. She stroked his hair for a second, and he started to relax, so she coaxed him forward into her arms, and he just curled in against her, his body absolutely quaking. 

“It’s okay now,” Liv promised. “I’m here.” He nodded a little bit, his face still pressed into her shoulder. She already knew that she couldn’t tell him about the baby. Not yet. He wouldn’t be able to handle it. He needed her to be strong for him right now, and then, once she could get him out, he would be able to handle the news. Or maybe, once it was a guarantee, she could tell him. She was planning on playing it by ear. 

She had never felt him shake so much, and he wasn’t talking or looking at her. All he could do was cling, and she rubbed a hand up and down his back, trying to keep him calm as he leaned into her embrace, desperate for a rock to steady him. Liv could be that. She gently nudged him toward the bed, and he didn’t fight, his body almost limp. He let her lay him down, resting his cheek on her stomach, and that made butterflies flutter in her gut. She thought about him laying his head on her belly, talking to the baby, his hand resting over the bump to feel for movement. She couldn’t dare to linger though, to want that because she had no idea what he wanted, and she didn’t want to set herself up for disappointment, not after what he was going through. 

He was blinking, obviously trying to keep his eyes open, and Liv hated that he looked so tired. “Shh, close your eyes,” Liv said softly. “It’s okay. You’re safe here.” He let out a little choked sob, letting his eyes shut, and he snuggled into her as much as he could. 

He was out cold almost immediately, and Liv realized that he couldn’t have been sleeping. He probably was too scared to close his eyes if the guards were singling him out. Someone had beat him up, that was for sure, and it was really confusing and upsetting to her. She just wanted him to be okay. She wanted to get him out of there, and she was getting closer and closer. 

He looked peaceful in her arms, and he was fast asleep. Liv wasn’t sure she could wake him if she wanted to. She felt comforted by his presence. He was safe here. He was alive. He might not be okay, but he was alive, and they could figure the rest out. 

He couldn’t get hurt if she was holding him. She kept telling herself that things were going to work out if they just kept hope, but Rafael had completely shut down. She just hoped he would pull out of it with some support. She couldn’t even imagine what he was going through. She wished he might talk to her more about it. She might be able to help, but he hadn’t been interested in telling her a thing. They had a lot to talk about when he woke up. 

…………………………………

Liv had dozed off at some point herself, and when she woke up, Rafael was blinking. He definitely looked better, much more refreshed, but he looked a little confused. “How long have I been here?” he asked softly. She was glad to hear his voice. She pushed a little bit of hair away from his eyes before checking her phone. It had been twelve hours. They were half way through the visit. 

“Twelve hours,” Liv said softly. 

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, Liv,” Rafael said, sitting up and burying his face in his hands. “I’m sorry, I just don’t sleep well, and I couldn’t stop myself.” 

“Shh,” Liv whispered. “Honey, you needed the sleep. Apparently, I did too.” 

“I do feel better,” Rafael said. “A little.” 

“I have some good news,” Liv said, and he looked at her, his leg hanging off the bed as he sat up. “Eddie helped me get a warrant to search Yelina’s apartment,” Liv said. “I really think I’m going to have you out of here soon.” 

“Will you?” Rafael asked, sounding slightly annoyed. There was a note of disbelief in his voice. 

“Rafa,” Liv said softly, hurt a little bit by the implications of his tone of voice. 

“Look, I can’t deal with false hope,” Rafael said softly. “I’ve already been in here two months. It’s over. Yelina wins. You might as well just stop trying.” 

“Rafa, you can’t mean that,” Liv said. He just sighed a little bit. “Let’s not fight. We only have twelve more hours,” Liv said, pushing back her hurt for the time being. 

“Okay,” Rafael whispered. 

Neither of them knew what to say after that, but Rafael moved closer to her, and she took it as his way of apologizing. She wrapped an arm around him, and he pulled her closer, into a hug. 

“I know this is hard on you too,” he whispered. He didn’t know the half of it. Liv pressed her face against his shoulder, taking a moment to just let him comfort her. 

“We’ll get through this,” Liv whispered, and Rafael nodded, agreeing with her. Liv ran her fingers through his shaggy hair. 

“It’s almost time for me to get a haircut,” he whispered. 

“Yeah, it’s looking pretty long,” Liv said. She kept stroking his soft locks.

“Should I get it buzzed off?” Rafael asked, smirking at her a little bit. Liv shook her head. “Don’t worry, I won’t. I’ll leave you something to grab onto.” The smile on his face was smug. “You can grab onto it now if you want.” 

“Yeah?” Liv asked softly. “Okay.” Liv hadn’t been feeling particularly sexy lately with all the throwing up, but she was actually feeling more like herself thankfully. 

It wasn’t like she had no sex drive either. There were certainly nights where she wished Rafael was home, and she usually ended up taking care of it herself with the door locked so she could actually get some sleep. 

Rafael had always been a generous lover, and unlike some other men she’d dated, he offered to go down on her quite a bit. He was so good at it, she almost never said no. It was nice to know he wasn’t just doing it for her benefit but his own as well. He looked down at her as she laid on her back, resting against the pillows, and Rafael’s eyes were dark. He started by kissing her lips, and Liv felt arousal pooling in her belly. His hands were gentle as they ran down her sides and over her hips. He took his time, kissing her jaw and her neck as he worked her shirt open and off. 

He knew every spot to kiss to make her shudder and arch against him, every spot to brush with his fingers. Rafael had made it his mission to learn and understand her body, and he was able to take her apart in minutes if he wanted to. He was working her up though, trailing wet kisses over her belly that made her feel strangely emotional. She finally did curl her fingers into his hair when he reached her inner thighs, teasing her a little bit before he finally gave her what she really wanted. 

His tongue was hot and skilled, and he put it to good use, finding all of her most sensitive spots and taking her apart with this practiced ease. She loved the look in his eyes as he tasted her--the way his pupils blew up and consumed the green of his irises. He looked drunk almost, consumed by the pleasure he got from making her feel good. 

With past boyfriends, sometimes it had felt like a chore asking for it, and they hadn’t always been eager, but Rafael found great pleasure in making her come apart. He was generous and thoughtful, and she let herself get caught up in the wave of ecstasy. He moaned softly as her hips rocked against his face, and she pulled a little harder at his hair. He paused, which was unusual for him. Usually he liked it when she pulled on his hair a bit, but his eyes looked a little lost, and he’d pulled back a little bit. “Rafa?” Liv asked softly. “You okay?” 

He shook himself, nodding almost absently before getting back to work, and Liv made a mental note to take it easy with the hair pulling. She was slightly concerned. Instead of yanking or directing him, Liv simply lovingly pushed his hair around. She hoped it was soothing as he licked and sucked tirelessly, working to bring her to the edge. She couldn’t help the way her hips jerked against his face, especially when he slipped two fingers inside of her. “Rafa,” she whispered. “So good, baby, so good.” 

He hummed softly against her, and she shuddered, the sweet pleasure taking her over the edge. Rafael didn’t stop until she was a boneless wreck on the bed, and he crawled up and kissed her. Liv didn’t let him pull away. She kissed his lips and then his forehead. “Feel good?” he asked softly. 

“You’re incredible,” Liv whispered. He smiled again. She ran her hands over his thighs, watching his face as she inched closer to his crotch. He swallowed heavily, and Liv started to help him out of his clothes. He let her strip him down to his boxers, and she slipped down to her knees in front of him, hands pushing at the inside of his legs to give her room. 

“Wait,” he whispered. “Liv. Not-not that. Can we just….can you come back up here?” Liv paused a second, but she did as he asked. 

“You okay?” Liv asked. 

“Y-Yeah,” he whispered. “I just don’t think I’ll last very long.” Liv wasn’t sure how convincing he was. She was worried, but she kissed him anyways. She wanted to make him feel better. She stroked her fingers down his cheek before she reached down, helping him to wriggle out of his boxers. He looked conflicted for a moment, before he stopped her again, reaching for the bedside table. He had a foil packet in his hand, and he refused to meet her eyes as he tore it open, rolling the condom down his erection. 

Liv kind of just looked at him for a couple of moments. They hadn’t used condoms since the very, very beginning of their relationship. Liv trusted him, and neither of them had been with anyone in so long. “Rafa,” she whispered, her voice low and serious. “Who?” 

“Liv,” he whispered. “Please. I can’t.” 

“You can tell me, honey. You can,” Liv said. He shook his head, obviously trying to hold back tears. 

“Liv, please,” He whispered, and there was real desperation in his voice. 

“Let me help,” Liv whispered, but he wasn’t going to talk. She could see it in the set of his jaw, and she knew it wasn’t anything about her. He just couldn’t, and she was going to have to respect that. 

Liv kissed him. She couldn’t fix it right now, but she could make him feel better, so she kissed him, and she ran her hands across his skin. She tried to make him feel loved. There was still a shimmer of tears in his eyes, and he was doing his best to hold them back. The kissing seemed to soothe him a little bit, so Liv kept doing it, trying to ease him into relaxing. She wanted to make him feel good--to replace any hurt with her love. She knew he wouldn’t forget anything. She knew that it would still be there afterwards, but she could give him time where he didn’t have to think about everything that was going wrong. It was only them. 

She pushed her fingers through his thick hair as she gently reached back, steadying him as she moved into position. She paused, looking at him. “Are you sure this is alright?” she asked softly. He nodded. 

He gasped softly as she eased herself down, taking all of him. It felt different with the condom, and she had forgotten how the barrier felt. She wished they didn’t need it, but Rafael would never agree to anything without it for the time being. Liv appreciated him looking out for her like that. She was going to have to make sure he was getting checked out if he believed he might have an STD. 

His hands settled on her hips, and she kissed him as she rocked against him, swallowing his soft moans. Liv gently ran her fingers over each discoloration on his skin. He had bruising everywhere, and now, she knew why. There were marks across his ribs again, like someone had kicked him repeatedly. He flinched a little bit when she touched them. 

Liv kissed over some bruising on his neck, and he swallowed heavily, his throat bobbing. His breaths were coming out in ragged gasps, and it took her a moment to realize he was crying. She brushed the tears away. “Do you want to stop?” she asked him softly, but he shook his head. 

The pace was slow, allowing Liv the chance to take her time and look at him and touch him. She wanted him to feel nothing but love and pleasure. The moment felt serious and heavy, and Rafael’s eyes had slipped shut, his hands tightening on her hips. “Liv,” he whispered, his voice cracking. 

“I’m here,” she promised him, reaching for his hand and curling her fingers around it. She kissed him again, and he leaned into it before pulling away and pressing his face against her shoulder. His hips were jerking up now, so Liv sped up, not wanting to make him wait. He didn’t last long. She found it beautiful as always when he pressed his face against her, shuddering as he came. 

Liv eased off of him, pulling him close, and he went easily, closing his eyes as he leaned against her. She couldn’t help but gently touch his black and blue marks again. His thighs were littered with them. It had been covered up by his boxers beforehand, and she hadn’t seen them before, but there were finger sized bruises all over them. She gently ran her thumb over them, her other hand busy carding through his soft hair. “You didn’t finish,” he whispered, his voice soft. 

“I did once,” Liv said. “I’m alright. Let’s just relax.” He didn’t push. He just snuggled into her, closing his eyes again, and she kept stroking her fingers over his damp skin. She found a nasty bruise on his back. More than one when she looked closer, and Liv felt ill. What he was going through was so incredibly wrong and unfair. She looked at him. “Honey, I can help if you’ll let me.” 

He got this conflicted look on his face, and she felt bad. She didn’t want to upset him, but she didn’t want him to bottle it up because it would just continue to get worse and worse. “Liv,” he whispered, and the raw emotion in his voice hurt her heart. 

“Rafa, it’s just going to hurt worse if you don’t talk about it,” Liv whispered. He shook his head, tears starting to build up in his eyes. 

“I can’t,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I just can’t.” Liv paused, but she could see it was hurting him worse when she pushed. She had to respect his wishes. Instead of answering, she kissed his neck again, over the bruises, and he let out a sob. She just kissed him—his skin, his face, his lips, and anywhere else she could reach—and it seemed to soothe him as they sat there together. 

……………………………..

Liv wished she could wait for Rafael to have the first doctor’s appointment, but she definitely needed to be checked out at her age and earlier was better. She wasn’t sure yet how she was even going to tell Rafael. He was going through more than she could imagine. She was working on nosing around about the corrections officers who were there because she’d be damned if she just complacently allowed Rafael to be hurt more.

The waiting room felt daunting, and Liv tried to keep her emotions in check as she sat there, wishing she wasn’t alone. Liv hadn’t ever thought she’d see the day when she was actually pregnant. She had wanted it for so long, but it had seemed just out of her reach. This was supposed to be happy, but instead, she was terrified and worried. She would be okay. She could figure this out. All she needed to do was get Rafael home safely, and they would figure out the rest later. 

Liv just tried to think of the good during the exam, and once they finished all the unpleasant parts, it was finally time for her to get the ultrasound which was really all she cared about. She wanted to know that the baby was okay, and she wanted to see it. She wished that Rafael was there to hold her hand. She missed him desperately. Liv could survive on her own; she always had, but she loved Rafael, and he loved her back. She couldn’t help but wish he was there with her, experiencing this with her. 

She could imagine the spark in his green eyes--the soft, awed smile on his face. He was already so good with Noah, and she wanted to think that he’d be happy about this too. She wanted to think that he was a different and better choice than the men she’d dated in the past. Brian hadn’t been interested in kids, and while Tucker had been good with Noah, it just hadn’t ended up being a good fit in the end. 

Rafael had been her best friend for years. He was always there when she needed him, and he always had her back. He was amazing with her son, and he was sweet and caring and attentive. He was the best man she knew, and she loved him more than she’d ever thought was possible. 

She winced a little bit in discomfort as the technician used the probe, and she was holding back tears. It wasn’t that it was overly painful. It was only a little bit uncomfortable, but her emotions were running wild. She was alone, without Rafael, and the pain was a tipping point. The technician handed her a tissue, turning the screen around, and Liv focused on where she pointed. “Hear that?” she asked. “That’s the heartbeat.” 

Liv sniffled, wiping her eyes and trying to collect herself. “Could I have a copy of that?” she asked. 

“Of course,” the woman said with a smile.

Liv was grateful for the paper copy of the ultrasound that she had in her hand. She had a video copy on her phone. It had all been good news about the baby save for her hormone levels that the doctor wanted to keep an eye on. They had said that it wasn’t something she should worry about yet though. 

She wanted some reassurance, but all she had was herself. She wasn’t ready to tell anyone but Rafael, and he wasn’t ready for the news, so she was all on her own. 

…………………………….

“What the hell do you mean it’s going to take awhile to get him out?” Liv asked incredulously. She had a warrant. They searched Yelina’s house, and they had found a burner cell just like Liv had been hoping. It was all seeming to come together finally. 

“I have to ask the judge for a hearing, and we’re going to want more evidence,” Rita said. “We need to exonerate him completely.” 

“This is damning, Rita. It was Yelina. She set him up,” Liv said. 

“Get me surveillance video. It’ll clear up the bank transaction and prove that he gave the money to Yelina,” Rita said. “I want this to be perfect. In the meantime, I’ll work on getting a hearing.” Liv sighed, scrubbing her hand over her face. She felt exhausted, and her head was aching now. 

“Okay,” Liv said. “I’m going to visit Rafael today. I was hoping I’d be able to tell him some good news. He’s not doing great, Rita.” 

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m doing my best,” Rita said. “We’re going to get him out.” 

“They’re hurting him in there, Rita,” Liv said. 

“I heard you were doing some digging into some corrections officers,” Rita said. 

“I had a talk with their captain,” Liv said. She hadn’t told Rita exactly what she’d learned because it was Rafael’s business, but she was not letting him continue to be treated so poorly. He hadn’t done anything wrong, and he was paying far more than he deserved. 

She was happy to see Rafael, but she was worried that it would hurt her heart to see him. She just wanted to pull him into her arms, but she wouldn’t be allowed to touch him. They would only have a little while to talk, but it would be worth it to see his face. 

It took her a bit to get through security, and then she was sitting there, waiting for him. Sometimes it took a little while to get him down to see her, but it was taking far longer than usual, and Liv wanted to get home soon. She was going to stay as long as she could. She couldn’t let him down, but it was getting frustrating and worrisome. 

Finally, her patience wore thin, and she approached one of the guards. “I was supposed to have visitation with my husband hours ago,” Liv said. “Where the hell is he?” 

“You’re going to have to be patient,” the man said. 

“Look, his name is Rafael Barba. Can you please get me a time estimate?” Liv asked. “I really need to talk to him.” The man sighed, but he nodded. He pulled his radio up to his mouth.   
“Taylor? Yeah, what’s the ETA on Barba to visitation?” he asked. Liv saw him frown. “What do you mean?” 

“Is it that hard to get a time?” Liv asked. The man held up a hand, still frowning. Every moment seemed to last an eternity. The guard walked away from her for a few moments, talking in hushed whispers, but Liv could hear him. She felt like she was going to faint when she heard the last thing he said. 

“If you don’t call an ambulance, I will.” The guard’s voice was terse. “I know what policy is, but I’m not having a prisoner die on my watch. I will sign off on the paperwork.” 

Liv felt like she was spiraling. An ambulance. Were they talking about Rafael? What the hell had happened? He couldn’t die. She would never forgive herself. “Are you talking about Rafael?” she asked. He didn’t answer. 

Liv was going to lose it. She couldn’t live without Rafael. He was her best friend, her lover, her husband now. They were having a baby. A world without Rafael Barba was not a world she wanted to see. She knew she would survive, but it would certainly feel like it was all over. She loved him more than she ever thought possible. 

“Is there a doctor down there? What the hell did he do? Slit his wrists?” the guard asked, and Liv felt her body go cold. “How the hell did that happen? He’s in PC.” There was a long pause. “We’ll deal with that later. Is the ambulance on their way? Alright.” He took a few moments before he looked back at Liv, and she felt like she was vibrating with nerves. Rafael had to be okay. He just had to. “You’re not going to be able to see Mr. Barba today,” the man said. 

“Where the hell is he going?” Liv asked. 

“I’m not at liberty to discuss that with you,” the guard said. 

“Like hell you aren’t,” Liv said, glaring. “I will call your supervisor, and you won’t like it if I do. I’m a police lieutenant, I have friends. You’re going to tell me where I can go see my husband.” Her tone left absolutely no room for argument. She couldn’t fall apart now. She needed to take care of Rafael. There were a few moments of tense silence before the man cracked. It seemed there was at least one good CO here. He gave her the name of the hospital; Liv was planning on calling Rita on the way to make sure she’d be able to see him. 

She turned on her sirens on the way there. Had Rafael slit his wrists? Had he given up hope? She didn’t think he’d do that, but he hadn’t been himself recently, and none of this was fair to him. Her money was on one of the COs attacking him or another prisoner, but either way, she needed to be there for him. 

Her heart was beating out of her chest as she ran into the hospital, and Rita met her in the waiting room. “Where is he?” She was desperate. She could barely breathe, and her head was aching. The hormones were killing her, and she felt tears pricking her eyes. Rita rubbed her hand over Liv’s arm. 

“Take a deep breath,” Rita said. “I’ve been on the phone with a judge who owes me a favor. I’m going to get a court order to allow you visitation. It just might take an hour or two. Sit down. Do you want some coffee?” 

“Rafael and you and your coffee,” Liv whispered. “No, I should have something to eat though.” 

“I’ll run down to the cafeteria while I wait for the judge to call. Once I get the order and present it to the hospital, they’ll have to let you in to see him,” Rita said. 

“They’ll tell me if something’s really wrong, right?” Liv asked. “I need to know that he’s okay.” 

“I’ll do my best, Liv,” Rita said. “Just try to stay calm.” 

……………………………..

Liv was not calm. She felt like she was going to pass out. Her migraine was getting worse and worse by the minute, and she felt like she was going to throw up. Rita had been down in the cafeteria for what felt like forever, but Liv had no idea what time it was. She had a feeling every minute was dragging. She was wringing her hands, feeling incredibly nervous. She needed to see him, but she would settle for some news. 

“Hey,” Rita said, coming back and holding her phone up. “I’ve got a sandwich and some good news. I’m going to go speak to the nurse and find his room. You’re allowed to see him however long you want, but you have to leave your gun out of the room, okay?” 

“Sure, sure, whatever,” Liv said. “I just need to see him.” 

“Alright, give me a few moments. Hopefully, I can get some information,” Rita said. Liv watched as Rita walked up to a desk, presenting them with the court documents on her phone. It took a few long moments as they verified things before they pointed down the hall. Liv was up to her feet in moments. “He just got out of surgery. I’ll take you up to his room. The nurse said a doctor can come talk to you if you’d like.” 

Liv followed Rita, trying to prepare herself to see him. She wasn’t sure what shape he’d be in. She definitely wanted to speak with the doctor. Rita walked to the elevator, and Liv blindly followed her. When they finally made it to the room, there was a police officer outside, but Rita showed the paperwork, and he stepped aside, allowing them through once Liv handed over her gun. Liv paused a second, trying to collect herself before going inside. 

The room was dimmed a little bit, and it took her a moment to register that it was Rafael who was in the bed. He was tiny. Smaller than he’d been the last time she’d seen him. She wondered if it was her brain playing tricks on her because he was so fragile and injured. His wrists were bandaged, and his eyes were closed. She didn’t know what to think. He was very bruised and pale, and he was so skinny. 

There were tears in her eyes, and she tried desperately to hold them back, but once she heard Rita leave to give her some space, she couldn’t stop them from streaming down her cheeks. She took a seat beside the bed, and she reached for his hand, wanting to just touching him gently. It was shackled to the railing, but she held it softly, trying desperately to collect herself. “Oh, Rafa,” she whispered. “Honey.” 

There was a knock on the door after a couple of moments, and a doctor walked in. Liv shook his hand. “I’m Dr. Cooper, are there any questions you have for me?” he asked. 

“Can you explain to me what happened?” Liv asked. 

“We took him into surgery to sew up a stab wound on his side that caused internal bleeding. He was shivved by another prisoner. His wrists were slashed, but I don’t think it was self inflicted. Both cuts are equally as deep which is hard to do after one is made. We sewed that up, and he has a bad concussion and some broken ribs. He’s going to make it, but he really took a beating,” the doctor said. “I think we’re going to keep him here for a week. I want to keep an eye on his recovery.” 

“Okay,” Liv whispered. “Thank you Doctor.” 

“Of course. He should wake up hopefully within a few hours. He’ll be tired and groggy, and he might be a little bit confused,” the doctor said, and Liv nodded again. 

She sat down beside him again; he was going to live. She tried to focus on the importance of that. He was so hurt though, and she couldn’t do anything about it. She had probably caused it. She moved to the edge of the bed, stroking her hand over his hair. “Rafa,” she whispered. “I’m here. You’re safe, honey. It’s okay now.” He looked so small and broken, and it tore her heart apart to see him like that. 

………………………………

Liv was feeling tired. She knew she should probably go home and get some sleep, but she didn’t want Rafael to wake up without her there. She needed to talk to him when he woke up. She needed to hold him and assure herself that he was okay. Her head was still aching, and she’d only managed to eat part of the sandwich. There had been doctors and nurses in to check on him every hour or so, and they checked his wounds and rebandaged him. 

Rita had been sitting with her for awhile, and it had been nice to have the company until she had to leave. Neither of them talked about how small Rafael looked or the marks on his skin, but Liv knew Rita would pull those details out in court if necessary. The doctors had taken pictures for a police report should Rafael choose to file a complaint, and Liv was glad they’d have them for later. 

She just wanted him to open his green eyes and look at her. She wanted to talk to him. It had been hours by the time she heard him stir in the bed. He let out a soft, pained groan--a noise that broke her heart. He began hyperventilating, and she hit the button on the wall to call a nurse before moving closer to him. “Rafael,” she said gently. “Rafa.” His eyes finally found hers, and he looked alarmed. “You’re okay. You’re at the hospital. Breathe.” 

The nurse looked him over, helping to administer more morphine so he’d be in less discomfort. “W-wha—”

“Shh,” Liv whispered. “Don’t try to talk.” He nodded, laying still and only answering when the nurse asked him questions. 

“Does your head hurt at all?” The nurse asked. He nodded. “Can you tell me your name?” 

“Rafael,” He whispered. 

“Good, do you know how you got here?” She asked. He shook his head. “Alright, that’s okay. Do you know what month it is?” He shook his head again. “I’m going to send the doctor in to look at you.” 

“Thank you,” Liv said softly. Rafael looked out of it, and he winced as he tried to shift around on the bed. “Do you want some ice chips?” Liv asked. He nodded. 

As Liv went down the hall to the nurse’s station to get his ice chips, she couldn’t get his dull, lifeless eyes out of her head. He looked so lost, so beaten down, and it hurt her heart. The doctor was in the room when she made it back, and Rafael was barely moving. The doctor was shining a light in his eyes, and he made a little noise of pain, squeezing his eyes closed afterwards. “Alright,” the doctor said with a sigh. “We’re going to take a break. I don’t want to overwhelm you. Let’s try again in an hour.” Rafael nodded, his eyes fluttering shut. Liv could see how tired he was. She sat on the edge of the bed with him and carefully spooned ice chips into his mouth. He munched on them, not saying anything, and Liv laid her hand on his arm, but he flinched a little bit. She let go of him, trying to respect his personal space. 

“You want more?” Liv asked. 

“Yes please,” he whispered. Liv gave him a few more spoonfuls, hoping it might help the hoarseness. She could see the tears in his eyes, and she wasn’t sure if it was from pain or emotional trauma or both, and she squeezed his hand. 

“What do you need right now?” she asked softly. He shook his head a little bit, but he didn’t seem to have an answer. 

“Liv,” he whispered. “Can you come up here, please?” 

“Okay,” she murmured, easing into the bed on his other side. His arm was free on that side so she could lay there and hold him. He winced and it took them a few moments to find a comfortable position for him, but he relaxed into her when they did. He was obviously in a lot of pain, and Liv was sure she’d be yelled at if they got caught, but she didn’t care. This was what he needed. 

“Everything hurts,” he whispered. 

“I know,” Liv said. “Close your eyes. It’s okay now.” 

“It’s not okay,” he whispered. He was shaking slightly. “I don’t want to go back.” 

“I know,” Liv whispered. It broke her heart to think about that. “I’m not going to let them get away with this.” 

“Stay out of it,” he said, and his tone of voice startled her. 

“What?” Liv asked. 

“How do you think I ended up here?” Rafael said, and the accusation in his voice was startling. “Going after COs is going to get me killed.” 

“Rafael,” Liv said softly, but she didn’t know what to say. 

“Just….don’t,” he whispered. Liv didn’t know how to respond. Had she really done this to him? Was he in the hospital because of her? She could feel the sobs that were wracking his body, and with each one, he curled in on himself a little bit. “Ow, fuck.” 

“Okay, take a few deep breaths,” Liv whispered. “I’m sorry.” 

“It hurts,” he whispered. 

“Shut your eyes,” Liv whispered. “A little sleep might help your head.” He didn’t say anything more, closing his eyes, and Liv ran a hand down his side. He winced when she brushed a spot over his ribs. “Sorry.” 

“That’s where they stitched me up,” Rafael whispered. 

“Sorry,” Liv said again, and he quieted down once more. Liv was just glad he was still alive, and she tried to focus on that for the time being. 

……………………………

Liv was exhausted, but she couldn’t bare to leave Rafael’s side. He was so quiet--quieter than she’d ever heard him before. He barely ate his food, really only picking at it, and he spent a lot of time with his eyes closed, but Liv didn’t think he was actually sleeping. He did let her hold his hand though, and that was a relief. It felt good to touch him. 

The doctors were worried about his concussion. He was really sluggish and complaining about headaches often, and Liv was worried too. She wasn’t sure he’d survive going back to the prison. She needed to hurry up and make sure he was going to get out, but she didn’t want to leave him. 

He was laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, and Liv didn’t know what to say. She wanted to fill the silence. She knew he was alone all day, and he often asked her to just talk to him, but she didn’t want to increase his headache. “Do you want me to read to you?” she finally asked softly. He was quiet, but he squeezed her hand gently for a moment. 

“Not right now. I don’t think I can focus on it,” he said softly. It was good to hear his voice again. 

“The doctor said your wrists are starting to heal well,” Liv said. “And Rita and I are almost there.” 

He made a little noise of disbelief, and Liv tried not to let that hurt her. She was doing her best. 

“By the end of the month. I promise,” she whispered, not making that promise lightly. “I have evidence. Rita is going to ask for a hearing. This will help hopefully expedite the process. I won’t let this continue.” 

“Liv,” he whispered, his voice cracking. “I know you’re trying, and I know you’re worried.” Speaking seemed to exhaust him, and she wanted to tell him to save his energy, but she also needed to hear his soft voice. She missed it. She missed him desperately. “They somehow heard you were investigating. They knew.” 

“Rafa,” Liv said, “You don’t have to.” 

“Let me,” he said. It was quiet for another moment. “ _ He _ shoved my face into the ground and he was kicking me over and over again.” Liv didn’t like the spite in his voice. She didn’t know who  _ he  _ was, but she knew what he’d done to Rafael. Or she at least had an idea. “I knew I was in trouble. I don’t know where he even dragged me, but took me somewhere dark, and he left me there, and then there were so many of them and they were hitting me and I felt this burning pain in my side. He cut my wrists afterwards and he left me in my cell, all curled up on the floor.” 

Liv felt hot tears in her eyes. She was trying her best to hold them back, and for the first time, she was glad that Rafael’s green eyes were directed away from her. He wouldn’t look. She didn’t want him to feel guilty about telling her the truth. “I’m sorry,” she said softly. 

“You’re going to get me killed,” he whispered, his voice gentle, but his words were harsh. It stung, but Liv appreciated his bluntness. She needed to hear it because he was right. She was going to get him killed. She needed to focus on getting him out of jail. It hurt her so much to think about just letting him continue to be assaulted and attacked in prison, but it meant she needed to get him out sooner. 

“Always telling it to me straight, huh?” Liv asked softly, trying to keep her tone light. She wanted to hear him laugh. He didn’t say anything. She squeezed his hand again. He squeezed back. 

………………………

Liv was sitting at her desk watching the footage that would get Rafael out of prison. There he was giving Yelina money. There were incriminating texts on Yelina’s phone, and Liv was sure now that they were going to be able to get him out. It was a matter of when. Rita was working on the court date. It had been a few weeks since Rafael was finally released from the hospital, and she hadn’t been able to speak to him since. They were holding his phone calls, keeping him on suicide watch despite the doctor’s opinion that he hadn’t been the one to slash his wrists. 

She needed to call Rita so she could come see the video as soon as possible. They needed to get him out. She worried every day that there’d be a phone call or a knock at the door and someone would tell her that Rafael was dead. It was her worst nightmare. She was praying for the day that he’d come home to her. She knew they were going to have to figure a lot of things out, and he was going to need time. He’d been through so much in the past few months, and he was going to need support and love from her and Noah. She had two ultrasounds waiting for him. 

She was in the doctor’s office constantly, getting bloodwork done and tests. The doctors wanted to watch her very carefully because of her age, and it was doing nothing to help her stress levels. It was exhausting to do the tests. The glucose test had been the worst, and she was still waiting for the results and hoping she wouldn’t have to deal with gestational diabetes on top of everything else that went along with pregnancy. She was wiped out from all the stress and all the investigations. She was tired of worrying. She was tired of being afraid. She needed Rafael to be at home with her, and she needed things to be okay again. 

Noah knew something was up. He had been bringing her water in the morning when she was sick, and she appreciated it so much. She’d been trying to figure out when telling him might be appropriate. She wanted to tell Rafael first. He was the most important, but Noah was a close second. She wasn’t sure how to explain it to him or if he’d be okay with it. They hadn’t even really talked about how she was dating Rafael. It was such a mess, and it made her stressed to even think about it, but she knew she owed Noah an explanation sometime soon.

She looked up when there was a knock on the door, and Rita was standing there with a coffee. “Hey,” she said. “How are you holding up?” 

Liv just shrugged, rubbing a tired hand over her face. “They still won’t let me talk to him.” 

“I know,” Rita said. “Unfortunately, I can’t do anything about the rules of suicide watch.” 

“He didn’t….” Liv trailed off, trying not to let the frustration get the best of her. “I found the video you wanted. When’s the hearing?” 

“Next week,” Rita said. 

“Good,” Liv said softly. “He can’t stay in there any longer.” 

“I’m hoping the judge will let him out on the spot, but you both need to be prepared that it may take a few days to get him out, maybe a week after the hearing,” Rita said. “I’ll fight it if it does, but it happens.” 

“That’s insanee,” Liv said. “He needs out now.” 

“I know,” Rita said softly. Liv was feeling a little bit nauseous all of the sudden, and she was losing track of what Rita was talking about. Her face felt flushed, and she was trying to hold back, but she could feel her stomach turning uncomfortably. She reached for her water bottle, but it was a lost cause. She had to grab the trash can as she leaned over and retched. Her stomach just kept turning, and she felt worse than she’d ever felt before. The exhaustion was getting the best of her, and the dizziness was making everything even worse. 

“Jesus,” Liv whispered. 

“Liv, are you okay?” Rita asked. Liv shook her head. “Can I get you anything?” 

“No,” Liv said. “I--I think maybe I should go home.” 

“Yeah, you don’t look well,” Rita said. When Liv managed to open her eyes, Rita was looking at her, eyebrow raised. It was like she knew, like she was challenging Liv:  _ something you wanna tell me, Benson? _ It was written across her face. 

The secret had been weighing on Liv for so long, it felt like it was suffocating her, and Rita seemed to already have a clue. Liv knew she shouldn’t say anything, but it was getting to be too much to pretend. She felt so sick and she was so upset. She wanted to tell Rafael. She’d been waiting so long for the chance, but she wasn’t sure when that would be possible, and the sickness and the emotions were getting the best of her. 

“I didn’t even think it was possible anymore,” Liv said softly. “Of course this happens when he’s in prison.” She hated the hot tears that were dripping down her cheeks. 

“How far along are you?” Rita asked softly. 

“Twelve weeks,” Liv said softly. 

“Damn conjugal visits,” Rita said jokingly, and Liv laughed a little bit despite herself. 

“Yeah,” Liv said softly.

“Have you told him yet?” Rita asked, and Liv shook her head. 

“He can’t handle this right now,” Liv said softly. “I want to tell him so badly, but he’s in a really bad spot. I think it’s best to wait until he’s safe at home.” Rita didn’t say anything to that, but Liv was glad to have it off her chest. 

“Let me know if you need anything,” Rita finally said. “I’m going to prepare for the hearing. Rafael will be home before the month is over. I’m going to make sure of it.” 

“Thanks Rita,” Liv said softly. 

……………………

Liv was sitting in the courtroom, nervously waiting for the hearing to start. It was finally the day that they might set Rafel free. She hadn’t talked to him or seen him since he was in the hospital, and it was almost too much for her to bear. She constantly wondered if he was alright or if he was hurt. She was ready for this nightmare to finally be over. Rita was waiting at the defense table, waiting for them to bring him in. 

Finally, the door opened, the guard pushed him in. They were practically dragging him. He was dressed up in one of his suits for his court date, but it didn't fit him anymore. It was baggy and too big. Rita had to steady him when he made it over to her, and she helped him sit down. Liv wasn’t sure he could stand on his own. He looked rough, even skinnier than before if possible, and he didn’t even turn to look at her. Liv just wanted to pull him into her arms. 

The hearing took most of the day, and Rita questioned a few witnesses, presented evidence, and then, it was finally over and the judge was going to make a decision. Liv felt like she couldn’t breathe. They couldn’t lose this. He needed to come home. When the judge came in, Liv felt lightheaded. This had to go well. 

“Mr. Barba,” the judge said. “Due to the new evidence presented today, it is clear that there were several key facts missing that lead to your conviction. I’m going to grant you a new trial. Until then, you will be remanded to Rikers, understood?” 

“Your honor,” Rita said, standing up. “The evidence is clear, Mr. Barba is innocent.” 

“Ms. Calhoun, Mr. Barba is entitled to a new trial, but he is a flight risk,” the judge said. 

“He is at risk in prison. Look at him. There have been questions of abuse and mistreatment from corrections officers, and the state has no right to hold him now that the evidence has changed,” Rita said. It was obvious the judge wasn’t going to change her mind though, and Liv was sure it had something to do with who Rafael was accused of murdering. “Fine, the defense asks that Mr. Barba be accompanied by an SVU officer while he’s awaiting his new trial, and that he’s free for visitation and phone calls with his family.” 

“Fine, Ms. Calhoun,” the judge finally relented. 

Liv wasn’t sure how to feel. She wanted to be happy; he had a new trial, but it was more and more time until she could take him home. He needed to be out of that prison and with her. 

“Mr. Barba will be held down in the holding cells until an SVU officer can arrive to accompany him back to Rikers. He’s free to visit with his family while he’s there. We’re adjourned,” the judge said. Liv watched as the court officer took him down to the cell, and Rita came back with a scowl on her face. 

“I’m going to fight this,” Rita said. “There’s no need for a new trial. I’ll file a complaint immediately.” 

“Okay,” Liv said. “I’ll call Carisi and see if he can go with Rafael. At least I know he’ll be safe now.” 

“It’s a step in the right direction,” Rita agreed. “Let’s go check on him.” 

………………………………….

Rafael was curled up in the corner of the cell. It was the first thing that Liv noticed. He had his back against the very corner of the cell, his body scrunched up, making himself look as small as possible. He was looking forward, but Liv wasn’t entirely sure what he was looking at. He didn’t look quite present. He was spaced out. As soon as the officer let her in, she went to his side, placing her hand on his arm. “Hey,” she whispered, her fingers a soft touch against his cheek, directing his gaze to her face. 

He seemed to focus on her, but he didn’t say anything at all. She wanted to hear his voice--it had been far too long since she’d been soothed by it, but she didn’t think he was going to be saying anything any time soon. He was shaking, and he flinched away from her touch. “Rafa,” she said softly. “Did you hear what the judge said? A new trial. Rita is going to try and get you out without another trial, but we’re almost there. You just have to hold on for me.” 

“Detective Carisi is going to stay with you at Rikers from now on,” Rita said. “No more suicide watch, no more solitary confinement. You’ll be safe with him.” 

Rafael did relax a little bit when he heard that. He let Liv pull him in for a hug, and he pressed his face against her shoulder. She stroked her fingers through his hair for a few moments--it was all he could tolerate before her pulled away again, shaking like a leaf. “Liv,” he finally whispered, his voice breaking. It was a relief to hear it even if it was small. 

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You’re going to be fine,” Liv said softly. “You’re going to be home soon.” 

He just nodded a little bit, but he wasn’t talking again. He was looking away. Liv sat beside him, space between them as she tried to just be there to comfort him until Carisi arrived. 

………………………………..

Liv had held herself together well throughout her time with Rafael, but once she reached her apartment, she couldn’t hold her tears in anymore. He had been so much worse than she’d thought he’d be, and she didn’t blame him, not after he’d been forced into solitary without contact to the outside world, at the mercy of the corrections officers who were beating him. Liv was going to have their heads once he was out. 

She sat on the couch, head in her hands, and she tried to calm down, but she was sick and upset and worried. She’d never seen him so quiet in her life. Usually, he wouldn’t shut up. Her Rafael had a snarky comment for every situation, but this Rafael--he was hurt so deeply, she didn’t even know where to start helping him pick up the pieces. She knew they could figure it out once he was safe at home. 

Liv leaned into the couch, wishing she could calm herself down, but it was almost too much to bear. She didn’t understand how he could still be in prison with all the evidence she’d found. It wasn’t fair. She wanted everyone involved to pay for what had happened, and she was going to make sure that it happened. She felt fiercely protective over Rafael--she always had, but now, it was worse than ever before. He had been hurt. She hadn’t protected him. He needed her now more than ever before, and she wasn’t going to let him down again. 

She was still crying when the door opened, signalling Noah’s arrival home from school. Lucy didn’t mention the tear streaks on her face, and Liv was grateful. She didn’t have the energy to explain herself. Noah had a lot of energy, and he was asking her question after question as he sat there. “Mommy, can we have pizza for dinner?” Liv didn’t trust her voice. She nodded. “Mommy, when is Uncle Rafa coming home? I drew him a picture?” That just made her cry harder, and then Noah noticed. “Mommy, why are you crying?” Liv was trying to calm down, but she was struggling. “Can I give you a hug?” 

“Yes, Noah,” Liv whispered. “Thank you.” Noah hugged her tightly, and she held her son, stroking her fingers over his curls. 

“Why are you sad?” Noah asked again. 

“I was hoping I could bring Uncle Rafa home today,” Liv said softly. “It’s going to be alright though. We did get good news today. He will be home soon. He says he misses you.” 

“I miss him too, Mommy,” Noah said. 

“I know,” Liv said, brushing a few curls back from his forehead. “I’ll tell him. Now, how about you go get the take out menu from the fridge, and we’ll order pizza, okay?” 

“Okay,” Noah replied, heading to the fridge to retrieve the menu. 

……………………….

Liv was sitting in the little room again, waiting for Rafael to be brought to her. They had been talking on the phone often, but Rafael didn’t do much talking. He mostly just listened to her, and she obliged him, trying to help pass the days when he was trapped in prison. She tried to keep his hopes up that he would be out soon, but it was hard to keep him from losing faith. She knew he was bordering on suicidal from her talks with Carisi. The detective was worried. Rafael didn’t talk almost ever; he was withdrawing into himself, and Liv felt helpless to stop it. 

She had been counting down the days until she could see him, and now, she had good news. It looked like the judge who was handling Rita’s appeal was going to let him out. They would know the next day, and Liv didn’t want to wait. 

Finally, the door opened, and Sonny brought Rafael in. Liv rose to her feet, pulling Rafael into her arms. “Rafa,” she whispered. He flinched though, and Liv let him go. She looked to Sonny who grimaced. Rafael staggered over to the bed, sitting down and drawing his knees up. She didn’t know what to do.

“I’ve been trying to get him to eat,” Sonny said. “I can barely manage to coax him into a meal a day.” 

“I’ll see what I can do,” Liv said softly. “Thank you, Carisi.” 

“Sure. I’ll be back for him tomorrow,” Sonny said. Liv nodded, taking a seat on the bed beside him. He was curled up, not looking at her, and he certainly wasn’t speaking. 

“Hey,” she said softly. He didn’t reply. “Tomorrow, we find out. It looks really good.” 

“Stop,” he said, and the ferocity in his voice startled her. 

“Rafa,” she said softly. 

“Stop, stop promising me things that you can’t make happen. Stop giving me hope only to have it ripped away!” he said, his voice rising as his agitation grew. He rose to his feet, pacing unsteadily. “I can’t do this, Liv.” 

Liv felt the tears building in her eyes. Her throat stung, and her vision was blurred by them. It was hard. She wasn’t one to cry easily, but with everything that was happening, she couldn’t help it. Everything had built up to the point where it was now boiling over. Rafael was hurt, and she couldn’t do anything about it, and he had now hurt her. She didn’t want to take what he said so personally, but it stung, and she felt like it was true. She had failed him multiple times over. She couldn’t get him out. 

He was breathing raggedly, and he looked agitated still like he wanted to pace and pace. He collapsed onto the bed though, looking exhausted, and she could see tears in his eyes. She was wiping at her own tears, and the room was tense--neither of them spoke. Liv knew he wouldn’t let her touch him. He was flinching away from her at every turn, and that hurt as well because all she wanted to do was hold him close. She was so used to him leaning into her instead. He always loved it when she touched him; he would ask her sometimes to hold him after a long day, and it always seemed to alleviate his stress. 

She tried to reach for him anyways, hoping that he would let her touch him, but he pulled away just as she expected. She wanted to make up with him; she needed to touch him, so she turned toward him and asked. “Can I hold your hand?” Her voice was soft as she tried to hide her tears, but it was useless. He heard them. He nodded slightly, so she reached for his hand. It shook, and for a second she thought he might yank it away, but after a few long seconds, he curled his fingers around hers, and something felt normal again. That was Rafael’s hand, his beautiful long, slender fingers, and it comforted her. 

They didn’t speak. It was clear he didn’t want to; he couldn’t. They just sat there together, and even though nothing was okay, it was better than nothing. Liv just knew she needed to bring him home, and she hoped that Rita could pull through because she didn’t think they could last more than a few more days. 

………………………………..

Liv was sitting curled up on her couch, phone in her hand. She was practically shaking with excitement. Rafael would be home soon. They were letting him go, and it was about time. He was supposed to call her any minute, and she couldn’t wait to tell him that she’d be there to pick him up in the morning. She felt so incredibly relieved. Soon, everything would be on its way back to normal. She knew there would be so much to figure out, but he would be safe. 

Her heart practically leaped when the phone rang, and she picked it up, accepting the call. Finally, the call went through. “Hey.” His voice was soft. It was probably almost all he’d say the whole time. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” Liv said. “I have some really good news.” 

“Yeah?” he asked. 

“Yeah. You’re coming home. I’m going to be there to pick you up tomorrow at eleven. It’s all over,” Liv said. He was quiet for a few moments. “Do you have time to talk for awhile.” 

“Yeah, I can,” he said after a beat. Liv talked to him about Noah and a little bit about work, trying to relax him. He liked it when he could just listen. Finally, though, they were running out of time, so she wanted to cement their plans. 

“I’ll be there to pick you up tomorrow, okay?” Liv said. He was quiet again. “I love you,” she said. 

“I love you too,” Rafael replied before he hung up. Liv was so happy. 

……………………….

Liv couldn’t wait to see Rafael. She hoped he might crack a smile for her, but she wasn’t banking on it. All she really wanted to do was bring him home where they could deal with everything. This nightmare was finally over. She had been waiting too long to see him. She needed him in her arms; she wasn’t planning on letting go of him for days. 

She was looking forward to a night where she could sleep and not wonder if he was in danger somewhere else. She could wake up in the middle of the night again and reach for him and he’d be there. She wasn’t sure if he’d be comfortable sleeping in the same bed right away, and she was planning on being patient with him. She was going to let him take everything at his own pace. Her bed was his until he was ready for it to be theirs again. 

She could finally sit him down and talk to him about the baby that was growing inside of her, and they could figure out what they wanted to do. She had been waiting so long to tell him, it was a relief that it would be possible soon. She was hoping he might be happy because she had been waiting, not allowing herself to truly feel the happiness until he was safe. It had to be something that was on a backburner. She couldn’t focus on being pregnant because her best friend and the father of her child was in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. 

She felt her anticipation building as she got closer and closer to Riker’s. She was even a little bit early. She couldn’t wait to see Rafael. She parked the car, making her way inside to where he was supposed to be waiting for her. She looked around, but he wasn’t there. There wasn’t anyone there. 

Liv wondered if maybe he’d been held up somehow. She would wait. Her back was aching though, and her feet hurt more than ever before. She sighed as she took a seat in the little office, waiting patiently. She checked her phone, wondering if Carisi left her a message, telling her what was going on, but there was nothing. Just the lock screen photo of Rafael and Noah that she’d taken. 

She sat there, waiting and waiting and waiting until it had been nearly an hour. Rafael was nowhere to be found. She was beginning to grow more and more concerned. Finally, a young man came inside of the room, and he looked surprised to see her. “Can I help you?” he asked softly. 

“Yes,” Liv said. “I’m here to pick up my husband, Rafael. Rafael Barba. He was supposed to be released this morning.” 

“Um, all the prisoners released today have already left,” the man said. “Let me just...let me check and see about Mr. Barba.” Liv had this sinking feeling of dread inside of her. Something was really, really wrong here. The man sat behind his computer and typed for a few moments. Then, he picked up the phone, frowning. Liv didn’t hear a word the man said until he looked at her, setting the phone down. “It appears Mr. Barba checked himself out an hour and a half ago or so.” 

“He what?” Liv asked softly. She suddenly felt incredibly nauseous. 

“Maybe there was a miscommunication. I think he had an Uber pick him up,” the man said. 

“Thank you for your help,” Liv whispered, pressing the heel of her hand to her forehead. She had a splitting headache now and everything felt wrong. Where had Rafael gone? Why hadn’t he waited for her like she’d asked? Was he alright? Liv couldn’t help but picture him standing at the edge of a bridge, thinking about jumping. Carisi had said she was in a bad place. 

The truth was, she had no idea where he was or what he was doing and that terrified her. Liv felt like she was on the verge of panicking. She could barely breathe. She felt like she had tunnel vision as she walked out to her car. She had to grab the frame of the car and lower herself into the seat. She felt incredibly unsteady on her feet. It felt like a bad dream. Everything had felt like a bad dream for months now, and Liv didn’t know what to do anymore. She couldn’t hold herself together. 

She pulled the car door shut with a shuddering sob, pressing her hands against her face and letting it out. She couldn’t stop herself. He had just left, and she was scared. She was scared he wouldn’t come back to her, and she was scared that he wasn’t okay. Everything in her mind had been hinging on getting him home where he would be safe, but now, he could be anywhere. 

She wasn’t sure what she was going to tell Noah when she got home. She had told him she was bringing Rafael. Liv honestly wasn’t sure what to do. She wondered if she should call Fin and the squad to find him. Where was Carisi? Did he know where Rafael was? Liv needed to get a grip on herself, call Carisi, and figure out where the hell Rafael had gone. 

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really long, and I apologize for that, but I feel like the sections fit together the best this way. Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading

“What do you mean he wasn’t there?” Carisi’s voice sounded worried and confused, and that made Liv feel even worse. He didn’t know where Rafael was. “I left him in the lobby, waiting for you. My sister had an emergency. I had to come help. Barba said he was just going to wait for you there.” 

“They said he called an Uber,” Liv said. “I don’t know where the hell he is. I’m heading home to check on Noah, but I’m worried, Sonny.” 

“I might be able to come help in an hour,” Sonny said. “Maybe we can look for him.” 

“Okay, that’s a good idea,” Liv said softly. “Thank you, Sonny.” 

“Yeah. I’ll see you in about an hour, okay?” he said, and Liv could hear him softening his voice as he realized just how upset she was. No one understood what she was going through. Things were finally supposed to be okay again. She was going to tell Rafael about their baby, and now, he was nowhere to be found. She had no idea if he was okay or not. 

After everything, she wouldn’t blame him if he wasn’t. She wished that he would come home; she hoped he knew that he could always come home. 

She parked the car outside of her apartment, and she headed inside and into the elevator. Noah was going to be upset; she wasn’t sure what she was going to tell him. She had to lean back against the wall on the way up. When she made it to the door, she paused a moment before unlocking it and going in. “Uncle Rafa!” Noah yelled, running to the door with a hand drawn picture in his hands, and Liv’s heart broke. “Where’s Uncle Rafa?” he asked, his face falling. 

“There was a little mix up,” Liv said. “Hopefully he’ll be home soon.” 

“But, Mom, you said you were bringing him home,” Noah said. “I drew him a picture. Are they making him stay in jail?” 

“No, Noah,” Liv said. 

“Doesn’t he like me anymore? He doesn’t want to talk on the phone, and now he didn’t come home,” Noah said. 

“Oh, honey, Uncle Rafa loves you,” Liv said softly. “How about we get pizza while we wait.” 

“Okay,” Noah said softly with a sigh. 

………………………….

Sonny, Fin, and Amanda were sitting in her apartment, and Liv had her head in her hands. They couldn’t find Rafael anywhere. She’d sent Noah to go brush his teeth, and she was allowing herself a few moments to break down. “It’s gonna be okay, Liv,” Fin said. “We’ll find him.” 

“He’s just disappeared, Fin,” Liv said. “I don’t know what to tell Noah, and I’m really worried. I’m worried Rafael’s not okay.” 

“Try calling him again,” Fin said. Liv took a moment to breathe before she pulled her phone out. There was still nothing from Rafael even though she’d called him dozens of times and sent him at least twenty texts, begging him to just let her know he was okay. She wanted him to come home, but she would settle for knowing he was alive. She typed in his number, and the phone rang and rang and rang. She didn’t bother leaving him another message. 

She was sitting there, trying to keep her emotions in check when her phone buzzed in her hand, and she looked down, her heart skipping a beat when she saw Rafael’s name on her lock screen. 

_ I can’t be here right now.  _

_ I’m sorry.  _

_ I love you.  _

…………………………

Rafael was staring at his phone, hating himself. He really was sorry. He had been planning to wait for her, but then he was sitting in that little office, thinking about going home, and he had dissolved into a panic. He hadn’t been thinking when he called the uber, but he had to get as far away from that prison as possible. He was a mess. 

He wasn’t ready to be in New York City. He had this urge to flee, and he couldn’t resist it even though it hurt him. He knew it was going to destroy Liv. He knew she’d worry, but he felt trapped and he had to go. He barely had anything with him; his wallet and his phone that Carisi had brought him when they found out he was going to be released. He also had the clothes he’d worn the day they took him into custody, and that was about it. 

Now he was sitting on a plane, waiting for it to take off. He’d bought a ticket and waited around for the next flight, shaking as he sat in the corner of the airport. Too much had happened. Nothing felt right anymore. He didn’t feel like the same person, and he certainly hated what he was doing to the woman he loved more than anything, but he hoped that some day, she’d be able to forgive him. He hoped that some day, he would be ready to come back.

………………………….

Liv stared at her phone. She had no idea how to react. He was gone. He was really gone. On one hand, she was relieved; he was alive. It sounded like he just needed space. He needed to get away for awhile, but it hurt. It hurt more than she could think about. She had no idea where he was going or if he’d be back. Everything was upside down and backwards. This wasn’t the way things were supposed to happen. 

“Liv? Is everything okay?” Fin asked. She didn’t know how to respond to that. Nothing was okay now. She was trying to hold her tears in, but they were threatening to spill everywhere. She needed to wait until she could get some privacy. The last thing she needed was to cry in front of her whole squad, but she wasn’t sure she could stop herself. 

“He’s not coming back is he?” Noah’s voice startled her, and she saw him at the edge of the hallway, holding Eddie clutched in his arms. There were tears on his face, and he squeezed the elephant into a hug. He looked so upset, and Liv’s heart felt like it was shattered into pieces. She wanted to hold him and tell him it was okay. 

“Oh, honey,” Liv said, tears escaping her eyes. “I don’t know.” 

“Doesn’t he like us anymore?” Noah asked softly. 

“Noah,” Liv said. “He loves us. Uncle Rafa is going through some really hard stuff right now.” She wiped at her eyes. 

“Why did he leave?” Noah asked, starting to cry harder. He was starting to lose it, and it broke Liv’s heart to see him so upset. “He promised he’d be okay. He promised!” Liv rose to her feet to try and pull Noah into her arms, but Noah pulled away from her. He was crying and he curled up on the floor, sobbing loudly. 

“Noah,” Liv said, but he wasn’t listening. Liv was surprised by the strength of his reaction. She knew that it was a lot for him to find out that Rafael was gone, but he hadn’t thrown a tantrum like this in a very long time. “Noah, honey,” she said, but he just started screaming and flailing around, and he flinched away everytime she touched him. She felt so helpless. Rafael was gone, and Noah was falling apart in front of her, and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. 

“Liv, just give him some space,” Fin said. 

“Maybe he’d feel better if we gave him some ice cream,” Sonny said. 

“Yeah, Carisi, cause ice cream is going to fix this,” Amanda said. 

“Noah, sweetheart,” Liv said softly, trying desperately to keep her voice even, but it wasn’t working. Liv didn’t know what to do. 

…………………….

Fin carried Noah back to his bed for Liv who was still upset. She had her own feelings to deal with, and it was hard to see her son so upset. He was a mess. He’d been crying for twenty minutes straight before he finally tuckered himself out and fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. Liv hadn’t been able to do anything but wait him out, sitting beside him and wishing she could fix this somehow. 

Her head was pounding, and she was wondering what the hell she was going to do now that Rafael was gone. There was so much going on; she had no idea how to handle this situation with Noah. She needed to be there for him before she worried about herself even though she had a lot going on that no one knew about. She needed to tell someone, and she definitely needed to tell Noah soon. He was going to have to prepare himself if she was going to have the baby. 

Rafael leaving had definitely thrown a wrench into everything she thought she knew, and she was questioning all her plans, but she had wanted a baby for so long. She wasn’t sure that it was fair to herself to let Rafael’s decisions change her mind. She wanted to believe that she could have a baby, and that it would be okay even if he wasn’t there. She wanted to wait for him to come home. She had to hope and believe that he hadn’t walked out of her life forever. 

“Liv,” Fin said softly, and she turned to look at him. “You okay?” 

“Not really,” Liv said, stroking her fingers over Noah’s curls just once before leaving him in his bed. 

“Barba’s gone?” he asked. Liv’s lip quivered, and tears threatened to spill again, and Fin pulled her into a quick hug. She let him. She was trying to get a handle on herself; she hated crying in front of other people, especially her squad. “He’ll be back,” Fin said. 

“Fin,” Liv whispered, just shaking her head.

“I’ll kick his ass if you want,” Fin said, and Liv shook her head again, sniffling. She pressed her face into his shirt for a second, taking a shuddering breath. 

“Please don’t,” she whispered. 

“Liv, what’s going on? I know you’re upset and worried about Barba, but this isn’t like you. Is something else going on?” Fin asked. “You know I’m here for you.” Liv wasn’t sure what to say. She wanted to tell him, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to tell anyone or not. She didn’t know what to do. 

“Rafael was supposed to come home,” Liv said. “And I had something to tell him.” She paused a few moments. “I found out I’m having a baby.” Fin just kind of looked at her for a second. 

“How do you feel about that?” he asked after a beat. 

“I’m happy,” Liv said. “I think. Everything is happening so fast, and I wasn’t able to talk to Rafael, and now, Noah’s upset.” 

“Liv, you know you won’t be alone during this. We’re all here for you,” Fin said. “If you want to be happy, be happy. Don’t let Barba mess that up for you.” 

“Please don’t tell anyone yet,” Liv said softly. 

“Of course not, but you call me if you need something. You can do this,” Fin said. 

“Thank you,” Liv whispered. “I haven’t doubted myself like this since Sheila.” Fin patted her arm gently. 

“You don’t have to doubt yourself. You do awesome with Noah. We’ve got your back,” Fin said, and Liv felt herself beginning to tear up again. 

“Thank you,” Liv said softly. It comforted her though. She knew deep down that she could do this, but it was hard to remember that sometimes, especially when she was so upset. She could at least know she wasn’t alone, and that was a relief. 

……………………

Noah was really tired when he woke up. It was dark in his room, and he sat up, rubbing at his eyes. The last thing he remembered was crying. A lot. He felt bad that he hadn’t been able to contain himself. He was so overwhelmed by his emotions though. Uncle Rafa didn’t want to talk to him, and then he disappeared. He had made his Mom cry. 

Noah almost never saw his Mom cry, and it scared him. It made him angry to see her hurt, and he wished he could do something to help. He was also sad. He loved Uncle Rafa, and he wanted to see him, but apparently, his Uncle didn’t share the feeling. 

Noah looked up when his door opened, seeing his mother poke her head in. “Hey,” she said softly. “Feeling any better?” 

“I’m sorry, Mommy,” Noah said softly, tears starting to fill his eyes again. 

“Oh, sweet boy, it’s okay. I know it was hard to find out Uncle Rafa left for awhile,” Liv said, coming into Noah’s room and taking a seat on the bed beside him. “It’s going to be okay.” She pushed a few of his curls back from his forehead. He let her pull him into a hug. 

“I know I’m a big boy. I’m sorry I threw a tantrum,” Noah said. “I won’t do it again.” 

“Noah, honey,” she whispered. “Sometimes, we all have a hard time. It’s okay.” He sighed heavily, letting her hug him. It made him feel better. He was really sad about his Uncle, and he really didn’t understand why he left. “Sweetheart, I want to talk to you about Uncle Rafa.” 

“What about him?” Noah asked. 

“He isn’t feeling very well, Noah. He’s very sad and hurt because some of the people in jail didn’t treat him right. I think he just needs some time,” Liv said. 

“Why don’t you arrest them?” Noah asked. 

“I might,” Liv said softly. 

“Why did they hurt him?” Noah asked. “I thought he was one of the good guys.” He wasn’t so sure about that anymore. He didn’t think a good person would make his Mom cry. 

“Noah, honey, it’s complicated,” Liv said. “He is a good person.” Noah wasn’t sure he believed her. She was quiet for a second before she stood up, reaching for the trash can in his room. Noah rarely saw his mother sick, and he didn’t know what to do when she threw up. She sat there for a second afterwards, composing herself, and he reached for her hand. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, his brow furrowing. He was pretty sure she’d been sick earlier in the week too. Sometimes he could hear her when she went into the bathroom. 

“Yes, sweetheart,” Liv said. 

“Are you sure, Mommy?” Noah asked. “You’ve been sick a lot lately. Don’t you go to the doctor when you’ve been sick.” 

“I did go to the doctor, sweetheart,” Liv said. 

“And what did they say?” Noah asked. He saw her looking at him for a few minutes like she was thinking. 

“Noah,” she said. “Honey, we need to talk.” 

“Is something wrong?” he asked, fear filling him. She was acting weird and he was starting to wonder if she was really okay. She took a deep breath like she didn’t know what to say. 

“Honey, nothing is wrong,” Liv said. “I’m okay. I just found out some news. It’s why I haven’t been feeling well.” 

“Okay,” Noah said, looking at her skeptically. 

“Noah, how would you feel about having a sibling?” Liv asked softly. Noah frowned. 

“I don’t know,” he finally said. “Why?” 

“I’m going to have a baby, Noah,” she finally admitted. He frowned again. A baby? 

“Doesn’t a baby have a dad?” Noah asked finally, but then he paused. He had seen his mom kissing Uncle Rafa. Did that mean he was the baby’s dad? If he was, why did he leave? “Is Uncle Rafa the dad?” 

Liv paused. “Yes, sweetheart, Uncle Rafa is the baby’s dad,” she finally said. Noah felt this anger simmering inside of him, and he didn’t really understand it. 

“Why did he leave then?” He finally asked, reaching for Eddie. 

“Honey, he didn’t know,” Liv said. “Uncle Rafa is having a really, really hard time right now. He needs some time, and then, I think he will come home. It just might take a little bit.” 

“Promise?” Noah asked. 

“Oh, sweet boy, I don’t know for sure. But we can hope, right?” She asked. Noah shrugged. He wasn’t sure what to think. It was comforting when his mother rubbed her hand over his shoulder. “Is there anything you want to talk about?” She asked. “It’s okay if you have questions.” 

“Maybe later,” he said softly. 

“Alright,” Liv said softly, kissing his forehead. “I love you.” 

“Love you too,” Noah said. He felt his heart race when she stood, starting to leave the room. “Mommy, wait!” He called, and she looked back at him. “Can I sleep in bed with you tonight. Please? Please?” 

She paused another moment before she finally nodded. He stood, grabbing Eddie and following her to her bedroom. He didn’t want to be alone. He crawled into the bed, snuggling up beside his mother. Things had been changing before Uncle Rafa had gone to jail. He was coming over more, and Noah had wondered if Uncle Rafa was going to marry his mom. Noah could see she was happy when he was there. 

Everything had changed then, and now, Noah was left confused and wondering where he fit in. They had talked about how he was adopted which hadn’t confused him at the time, but now, his Mom was having a baby. It gave him a weird feeling that he didn’t like. 

Noah liked the idea of Uncle Rafa maybe being his dad, but now, he was the baby’s dad. Noah didn’t have a dad. He only had his mom, and she wasn’t actually his mom. He didn’t know what to think, so he squeezed Eddie closer and closed his eyes. 

………………………….

Rafael felt like he was on autopilot as he dumped his few belongings onto the bed. He was shaking, and he wrapped his arms around himself and squeezed. He was trying to calm himself down, but it was hard. It felt like his mind had been going a million miles an hour for months, and he couldn’t slow it down anymore. He had been looking over his shoulder constantly, wondering when something bad would happen, and then, it had gotten to the point where he was simply waiting for something to happen. 

When he was in solitary, sometimes, he would keep track of the time by how often Officer Taylor would come into his cell. Sometimes, he laid on the floor because he couldn’t stand to sleep in the bed anymore. 

As he sat down on the bed in the hotel room, he winced slightly, feeling all the various aches and pains in his body. He was still badly bruised and sore. He wasn’t sure what sort of damage had been done by everything that happened. He still had lingering headaches from the beating he’d taken. He was supposed to be following up with a doctor according to the prison infirmary, but he wasn’t sure he could tolerate another person’s hands on his skin. 

He felt like he was running on autopilot. He barely remembered speaking to the clerk at the front desk or the person at the airport. He wanted to pull a blanket over himself and sit in the corner until he stopped shaking, but he couldn’t stand the smell of prison emanating from his clothes. He needed to go shopping, but he definitely didn’t want to go out anywhere. He was a wreck. 

The smell was incredibly distracting. It was filling up his every thought, and he could barely breathe, and in the end, the desire to change won out. He pulled himself up from the bed with a grunt, grabbing his wallet. He needed a phone charger as well. His was sitting in Liv’s apartment, plugged in beside her bed from the last time he’d stayed there. 

He was shaking as he rode the elevator down to the lobby, and he didn’t meet anyone’s eyes as he walked out the door. There was a little store that was within walking distance of the hotel, so he went there, quickly rifling through clothes and going to things that were easy to put on and wouldn’t attract too much attention. He didn’t want to have to go out again, so he bought enough to last himself a little while without doing laundry. He picked up a charger for his phone and some pain killers before he retreated back to his room. 

He took a shower, trying to wash away everything bad. The scorching hot water helped some, and when he was finished, he pulled on his sweatpants and a tee shirt, scrunching himself up in the corner of the room with the lights on. It was finally over. Now he needed to find a way to pick up all the pieces of his life and put them back together. 

…………………………

Liv was so tired of throwing up. She’d been sitting on the floor of the bathroom, feeling incredibly dizzy and nauseous. She wasn’t sure she was going to make it to work. She didn’t feel like she could stand. She’d been feeling down for days because of Rafael, and even though she knew she could handle this on her own, it hurt. It wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted Rafael. 

Everytime she went to baby appointments, her heart ached for him, but she was doing her best no to let that ruin the experience for her. She wanted this baby, and she was happy about it. It just wasn’t perfect, but things in her life rarely were. She was a disaster magnet, and she’d accepted that. Bad things just happened to her. She wished that it hadn’t ended up hurting Rafael, but it seemed it impacted her family as well. 

It was hard not to blame herself for what had happened to him; she certainly hadn’t helped. It had taken far too long to find incriminating evidence against Yelina, and Liv knew she  _ shouldn’t _ blame herself, but that didn’t mean she didn’t. He had been in pain the whole time she searched, and she hadn’t been able to save him until it was already too late. 

She heard the door opening, and she looked up to see Noah coming in the bathroom. He had water in his hands for her, and he the glass over. Liv took a sip of the cool liquid, thanking him softly. She shut her eyes, but she felt Noah beside her. His little arms wrapped around her, and she let herself press her face against his curls. He was so comforting, and she tried to relax. She hated feeling so helpless and sick. 

“Do you want some toast, Mommy?” Noah asked softly. 

“Sure, sweet boy,” she whispered, figuring eating something might help a little. She was going to call Fin and let him know she’d be out for the day. It would be good for her to rest and spend the day with her son. 

She managed to get herself upright, and she slowly made her way to the living room after cleaning up. Noah brought her a plate with toast, and she thanked him, picking at it as they sat on the couch together, watching cartoons. “Do you know if the baby is a boy or a girl?” Noah asked softly after a few moments. He definitely had show curiosity about her pregnancy, but was also worryingly quiet about it sometimes. Liv knew something was bothering him, but it was hard to get to the bottom of what exactly it was when he didn’t want to talk about it. 

“Not yet, sweetheart,” Liv said. “It won’t be too long before I do though.” 

“I think it’d be cool to have a brother,” Noah said softly. 

“I think you’d like a sister too,” Liv said softly. Noah didn’t look convinced, but he shrugged anyways. 

“Do you know what you want to name it?” he asked. 

“Not yet,” Liv said. It was hard for her. She hated doing the big things without Rafael. She kept thinking and wishing that he would show up at the door eventually. She didn’t want to even think about a name without him, but she knew she would probably have to. 

“Can I come with you to the doctor’s next time?” he asked after a few moments, and Liv smiled, pulling him closer. 

“Sure, sweet boy.” Liv let herself be happy that Noah was interested. Despite what she couldn’t have, there was a lot to celebrate and be grateful for, and she was trying not to let the rest of it weigh her down. 

……………………………..

Rafael rolled over in the hotel bed. He was trying his best to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes, he would jolt awake in a cold sweat and he couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t sleep. He was miserable. He hadn’t left the hotel room in days, and he’d barely eaten anything he ordered up to the room. He spent most of his time staring at the ceiling or passively watching something on the tv. 

His jaw was so itchy from the quickly growing beard, but it was too much work to even consider shaving. He was exhausted, laying on his side. He hated how wet his cheeks were, but he hadn’t even been able to help the crying. 

He hadn’t taken a shower in days, but now, he felt disgusted. He felt dirty and he needed one badly. It wasn’t just that he hadn’t showered in days, it was this deep seated feeling of being dirty. He felt disgusting on the inside and out. He could still feel phantom traces of hands on his skin—of things he didn’t want to remember, and he couldn’t lay there anymore. 

He dragged himself up to his feet, heading toward the bathroom. He was feeling dizzy and weak, but every time he tried food, he felt like he was going to throw up everywhere. He had to sit down while the water was warming up, and he closed his eyes. He was hoping he’d be able to stand in the shower long enough to get clean. Sitting in a bath wasn’t appealing to him. It felt like he was boiling in the filth. 

He stepped under the water, trying to relax, and he tried not to look down at himself, at the still visible proof of what had happened to him. He had deep bruises on his legs and hips, and there were marks up and down his ribs. The angry, jagged scar on his side still gave him pain sometimes, and his head was unpredictable. 

He squirted some soap into his hand and started scrubbing his skin, and once he started, he couldn’t stop. A choked sob bubbled up in his chest, and he couldn’t hold it back. He felt tears dripping down his cheeks, mingling with the moisture from the shower water. The hot water couldn’t wash away the pain that was deep inside of him; he wasn’t sure what could. All he knew was that it hurt, and he was miserable. 

He felt like he could barely breathe, choking out sobs and trying to keep himself upright. He squirted some more soap into his hands and started scrubbing again. Every time he finished, he still felt awful. He couldn’t get  _ clean _ , and he felt like he was going insane. All the steam and the heat was making him feel lightheaded, and he slid down to the floor of the tub, pulling his knees up to his chest and letting the water rain down over him. 

He just kept scrubbing himself until his skin was raw and red and painful to the touch, and then he scrubbed some more. He watched as red tinged water circled around the drain and disappeared, paying no mind to the bloody patches where he’d managed to break the skin. 

He didn’t feel like himself. He felt so broken and torn apart, and he couldn’t force himself to get up. All he wanted was to feel clean. 

……………….

Rafael could barely breathe. The room was full of steam, and he was the dizziest he’d been since Officer Taylor was kicking him in the head repeatedly. The water was beating down on his skin solidly, and he was starting to feel numb from it. He was shaking and he didn’t think he could stand. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been curled up at the bottom of the tub. He knew he couldn’t stay in there any longer though. His head felt fuzzy and he needed to go to sleep. He must’ve blacked out somehow. 

He saw that his hands were all pruny and wrinkled as he pushed himself up to his feet. He nearly slipped and broke his neck falling in the slick ceramic shower, but he managed to stay upright, climbing out from under the water. He turned the shower off, grabbing the wall to steady himself. His vision felt like it was tunneled, and all he could see were his feet as he tried to move forward slowly. He managed to grab a towel, clumsily drying himself off, but he was still damp when he made it to the bed. He blindly grabbed for the pair of boxers he’d left on the bed, almost falling on his face as he managed to pull them on. He could barely stay on his feet then, and he collapsed onto the bed. He wasn’t lying very comfortably, and he briefly thought that maybe he should move because his legs were hanging off the edge, but he was too tired to care or actually move, so he shut his eyes, letting himself fade blissfully away.    
………………

Rafael felt groggier than he’d ever felt before. He blinked, and it felt like his eyelids were glued together. He was exhausted and feeling groggy, and his head ached. Everything was dizzy when he tried to look around, so he closed his eyes instead. He let out a soft groan; he felt terribly nauseous, and he had no idea where the hell he was. The last thing he remembered was staggering out of the shower, feeling half dead and collapsing into bed. 

He had no idea what had happened in the meantime. He was pretty sure he wasn’t in his hotel room anymore, and there was a weird feeling churning in his gut. He was nervous. He didn’t want to be out of the safe room where he could hide. In there, he was hidden and safe from any outside threats. No one could hurt him. 

He went out as little as possible. He knew it was no way to live, but he had no idea what to do otherwise. He couldn’t build up the courage to do any more than run to the store when absolutely necessary. He hadn’t been back since the first time he went. There was no point. He wasn’t hungry. He was content to lay around in the clothes he’d bought, and he really didn’t have the energy to be up and running around. He barely had the energy to be awake at all, and if it wasn’t for the nightmares, he would probably sleep for over 90 percent of the day. 

He blinked again, groaning softly, and then there was light in his face. He winced, squinting as the light went into his other eye. “Mr. Barba?” He didn’t recognize the voice. “I’m glad you’re awake. How are you feeling?” 

“Where am I?” he groaned, his throat feeling hoarse; speaking was exhausting. 

“You’re at the hospital,” the voice said. “Do you remember how you got here at all?” 

“No,” Rafael whispered. Finally, the light was gone, and he could see a man leaning over his bed. 

“That’s alright. Can you tell me what the date is?” the doctor asked. 

“Not really,” Rafael whispered. “I think it’s April. Maybe May.” 

“It’s May,” the doctor said. “But that’s good. Can you tell me where you were before you came here?” 

“In my room,” Rafael said. “At the hotel.” 

“Alright. I’m going to let you rest up a little bit,” the doctor said. “We’ll have a conversation in a bit about what happened and how you want to proceed, but for now, I want you to try and relax.” 

Rafael wouldn’t complain. He was exhausted. Somehow, he was even more tired than he had been in weeks, and that was saying a lot. He let the fog drag him back down.

………………………….

Liv was in the kitchen, her head aching. Fin had told her if she didn’t get her ass home, he was going to handcuff her and take her there himself. She hadn’t been feeling well all morning, so Carisi had agreed to drive her home to get some sleep. Fin was going to handle SVU for the day. She was exhausted. Her feet ached, and her back was beginning to bother her more often than not. 

Carisi was in the living room with Noah while Liv found some tylenol to take. She needed to lay down for a little while. She could hear Noah and Sonny talking in the living room, and she started to make her way over to the doorway to check on Noah. He’d been pretty upset when she made it home, worrying and asking her if she was alright. She had assured him it was nothing more than a headache, but she wasn’t sure if that helped to assuage his fears. 

She could hear the two of them talking. “Uncle Sonny, can I ask you a question?” Noah said softly. Liv’s brow furrowed; he sounded a little upset. 

“What’s up?” Sonny asked. 

“I don’t know if you’d know the answer,” Noah whispered. 

“Well, we won’t know unless you ask,” Sonny said. Noah was quiet for a couple of moments. 

“Is there a difference between being adopted and being with your real family?” Noah asked, and Liv felt this ugly churning feeling in her gut. She hated that he said  _ real _ . She was his real family. She knew what he meant, but it still hurt. Why was he asking? Was he okay? 

“Aw, Noah,” Sonny said. “I know maybe it’s confusing or it feels different, but your Mom loves you more than anything. She loves you just like your biological mom would.” 

“Are you sure?” Noah asked softly. 

“Yes, I’m sure. What’s going on?” Sonny asked. 

“Well...it was just me and Mommy and then Uncle Rafa, but now Mommy and Uncle Rafa are having a baby, and I’m just….here,” Noah said after a second. Liv wanted to cover her face. She should have told Noah that he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. 

“Wait...what?” Sonny said softly. “Did you say your mom is having a baby?” 

Noah was quiet, and Liv took a deep breath before walking into the room. Her son looked at her with panic in his eyes. “Mommy, I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“Noah, sweetheart, it’s okay,” she said. Sonny looked at her, his eyes wide, and she wasn’t sure exactly what to say. “Honey, listen,” Liv said softly. “I know this is confusing, but I love you no matter what.” Tears filled Noah’s eyes, and he leaned into her, and she pulled him close into a hug. “It’s okay.” 

“Mommy,” Noah whispered, and she squeezed him tighter. She felt tears in her own eyes. She needed him to know that her love for him was never going to change. 

“Noah, I chose you. You are my son. I will love you just as much as I love your brother or sister. Now, why don’t you go on in your room for a little bit while I talk to Uncle Sonny, okay?” Liv said softly, kissing his forehead. 

“I’m sorry,” Noah whispered again. 

“It’s alright. We had to tell people eventually,” Liv said, rubbing his back. “After this, maybe we can go get some pizza or something.” 

“We had pizza yesterday Mommy and last week,” Noah said. Liv sighed and rubbed her face. She was too tired. She didn’t have the energy to cook, and they had most of the take out Noah liked in the last few weeks. “Mommy, it’s supposed to be spaghetti night.” 

“I know, sweetheart,” Liv said. “Maybe we can get something from Forlini’s. You like their spaghetti, right?” 

“I want your spaghetti,” Noah whispered. He crossed his arms. “Why did Uncle Rafa leave? He knows how to make spaghetti. This isn’t fair.” Noah stomped off to his room, and Liv had to take a second. 

“You okay, Lieu?” Sonny asked. 

“Not really,” Liv said, covering her face. She carefully pushed herself back up to her feet, taking a seat on the couch. 

“So….you and Barba are having a baby?” Sonny asked. There was something tight in his voice. 

“Yeah,” Liv said softly. Sonny kind of shook his head, looking away, and Liv didn’t know what to say. 

“Are you alright?” He asked. She simply shook her head. “Can I make you guys dinner?” 

“Sure,” Liv said. “Noah would like that.” He stood up, pausing for a second. 

“Lieu,” he said. “I’m sorry. I should have stayed with him.” 

“Sonny, it’s alright. You had a family thing. I think...I think Rafael is where he thinks he needs to be right now. He has a lot of trauma to work through. You know that better than anyone probably,” Liv said. 

“Yeah,” Sonny said. “He was scaring me a little bit.” 

“I’m scared too,” Liv said, pulling her legs up onto the couch beside herself. “I love him, Sonny. He was supposed to be home. I was going to tell him.” 

“Do you think he’s coming back?” Sonny asked. 

“I hope so,” Liv whispered. 

“You aren't going to be alone,” Sonny said. “Rafael should be here, but even if he isn’t, you have us.” 

“Thank you,” Liv said. 

“I’m going to go get that spaghetti started. Call if you need something,” Sonny said, standing up. 

Liv leaned back and shut her eyes. She needed to take a half hour to rest, and then she definitely needed to talk to her son. So much was happening all at once, and apparently, she hadn’t been doing a good enough job reassuring Noah. 

………………………..

Rafael groaned as he opened his eyes. He felt like he was trapped in a fog that he couldn’t seem to pull out of. He blinked a few times, bright light startling him, but it was quickly dimmed. It took him a few moments to get his eyes open. He was groggy, but he managed to look around. A hospital room. There was a man sitting in a chair by his bed; he didn’t recognize him. Rafael could feel himself shaking. He wasn’t sure who was there or what they wanted with him. 

He wanted to go back to his hotel room and curl up in the corner again. That was the only place he felt safe. He didn’t feel like he could move though. Turning his head was a lot. He managed to push himself up a little bit with a grunt, and he was trying to figure out how to raise the bed when a woman walked into the room. She looked at him and smiled. The man beside his bed was asleep. “Hi, Rafael,” the woman said softly. “I’m one of your nurses, Sam. I’m glad to see you awake.” Rafael didn’t know what to say. “How are you feeling?” 

“Not great,” he whispered. His voice was so hoarse, he barely recognized it. 

“Do you want to try some water?” she asked. He nodded. “I’ll get that for you, and your doctor will be in to take a look, okay?” Rafael started breathing a little quicker; was the doctor going to touch him? He didn’t want them to touch him. He didn’t have the energy to move much, and the nurse held the cup for him when she came back. 

It wasn’t long before the doctor came in, and Rafael vaguely recognized him. He looked different now that he was actually awake. He smiled, but Rafael felt defensive and scared. He didn’t feel like himself. “Rafael, hi,” the man said, coming closer. “I’m Dr. Stinson, we spoke a little bit yesterday. Are you feeling any better?” 

“A little,” Rafael admitted softly. His voice was a little better after the water, but it still wasn’t great. 

“Alright, well, let’s talk about what happened then,” Dr. Stinson suggested. 

“Wait,” Rafael said. “Who….who is he?” He managed to jerk his head a little bit. It was just enough to indicate he was talking about the man who was sleeping beside his bed. 

“He said he worked for the hotel where you were staying. He was the one who called 911,” the doctor said. Rafael let that sink in. He wasn’t sure who exactly the man was, but he was the reason he was in the hospital. Rafael didn’t understand why he bothered. “Do you remember what happened?” 

“Not really,” Rafael said. 

“You came in to the ER in an ambulance, and you were severely dehydrated. We hooked you up to some fluids to help rehydrate,” the doctor said. “Are you alright?” Rafael was crying a little bit, and he reached up weakly, wiping at his face. He nodded a little bit. “We took some blood. Your blood sugar was dangerously low, Mr. Barba.” He hadn’t been eating or drinking. He couldn’t even get out of bed before they’d dragged him here. “Now, when we got the lab test back, you had an alarmingly high number of white blood cells, so we did a quick exam. We’re treating you for chlamydia. You also had some injuries that needed attention.” 

Rafael couldn’t look the man in the eyes. “Would you like us to contact the police or conduct an exam to collect evidence?” The doctor asked, but Rafael shook his head. There were tears in his eyes. “We can provide counseling services if you need someone to speak with.” 

Rafael knew he should be speaking to someone. He knew what Liv would tell him, but none of it felt real. It felt like nothing was going to help him, and it felt impossible. He started to nervously clutch the the blanket. He needed something to do with his hands--something to let out the nervous energy that was starting to overwhelm him. “Maybe,” he whispered. 

“Alright. We have a feeding tube in right now to make sure you’re getting nutrients, but I’m hoping we can take that out today if you want to try and eat something,” Dr. Stinson said gently. Rafael wasn’t sure he’d have an appetite, but he hadn’t been trying to kill himself. He was ashamed of how bad he’d let it get. He would try to eat. 

“I’ll try,” Rafael said softly. 

“I’m going to get in contact with someone to come talk to you, and I’ll have dining services bring you a meal after they remove the nasogastric tube,” Dr. Stinson said. “Now, I want to do a quick exam, see how you’re feeling, but if you’d like me to stop at any time, just let me know. I’m not going to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.” 

Rafael swallowed heavily, closing his eyes. He nodded, trying to control his tremors. He tensed up as Dr. Stinson gently felt down his neck and asked him if he had any pain. He wrote things down on his chart as he took vitals and palpated his stomach. Rafael struggled to keep himself calm, but he managed to get through it which was a relief. 

“Do you have any questions before I go?” Dr. Stinson asked. 

“No,” Rafael replied. 

“Is there any family that you’d like me to call?” the doctor asked, and Rafael paused. He wanted Olivia more than anything. He wanted her to tell him things were going to turn out okay, but she wasn’t there, and she didn’t deserve to deal with his mess. He wasn’t good enough for her. Rafael nodded a little bit, settling back against his pillows and trying to get a handle on himself. 

He wished things weren’t so complicated. He wanted nothing more than for her to fly down to him. He would feel instantly safer, but he couldn’t do it. He’d messed everything up. He had hurt her by leaving, and he had hurt her by snapping at her multiple times. He knew none of it was her fault, but he couldn’t help the way he felt. Liv was everyone’s savior; she fixed things for a living, and he knew in his mind that she was only human, but out of everyone; why hadn’t she been able to help him before it was too late? It hurt. 

He was trying to fix himself before he went back to her. He didn’t want to hurt her further while he tried to recover. If he could just get a handle on himself, maybe they could figure it out. He just wasn’t sure how to get himself under control. He felt too weak to move around much or even really talk, but he hoped that a few days of rest would improve how he was feeling. Then, maybe he could try to work toward what he wanted instead of laying around constantly. 

“No,” he whispered. “I don’t have any family.” He didn’t deserve them now: not his mother, not Olivia, and certainly not Noah, but maybe he could in the future. 

………………………….

The apartment smelled delicious; Carisi was hard at work in the kitchen, and Liv felt a little better after resting for a little while. She felt a little queasy, but her headache was gone. She slowly headed back to Noah’s bedroom. He was curled up in bed, holding Eddie and staring at the wall. She knocked on the door. “Hey,” she said softly. 

“Hi,” he whispered. 

Liv sat on the edge of his bed, and he let her rub his back. “It’s been a hard couple of weeks, huh?” Liv asked. Noah nodded. “It’s been hard for me too,” she admitted. 

“I’m sorry I told Uncle Sonny,” Noah said softly. 

“Sweetheart,” Liv said. “I’m not upset with you. It’s alright.” 

“Promise?” Noah asked, and she nodded. 

“I think we need to talk about what you asked Uncle Sonny,” Liv said. Noah looked away. 

“I didn’t know you were there?” Noah whispered. 

“I know,” Liv said softly. “I think that maybe I haven’t talked with you enough about the baby.” Noah wasn’t looking at her, and he kept fiddling with Eddie. “Sweetheart, you’re my son. Just like this baby is going to be my daughter or my son. You are no different. I chose you, Noah, and I love you more than life itself, okay?” 

“Promise?” he asked again, and Liv nodded. She hated the tears in his eyes as he sat up and hugged her, and she held him so tight. 

“I love you,” she whispered. “I’m sorry that this is so hard for you. I miss Uncle Rafa too, and honey, I wish that he was here with us, but we can’t change that.” 

“I miss him lots,” Noah whispered, and she rubbed his back. 

“Me too,” she whispered. 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Noah whispered. 

“I forgive you,” Liv said. “I think Uncle Sonny is making you some spaghetti.” He looked up at her. 

“Really?” he asked, and she nodded. He smiled. 

“Noah, I want to keep things as normal as possible, but having a baby is hard work. I’m very tired. Things might not be exactly the same. I might need your help a little bit more,” Liv said. Noah looked at her seriously and nodded. “Alright, let’s go have some spaghetti then.” 

Noah gave her a big smile. 

…………………………

When Rafael woke up, the man beside his bed was awake too. He’d been in and out, but Rafael had been sleeping a lot. He had been exhausted, and sometimes, it was too hard to keep his eyes open for more than twenty minutes at a time. The doctors had told him that might be the case. His blood sugar had been so low, and he was still recovering from his dehydration. The medication they had him on was helping a little bit. 

He was slowly feeling better and better physically. He knew he needed to make some changes, but he hadn’t quite figured out how yet. There was a counselor who was supposed to come and talk to him soon, and he was trying to mentally prepare himself for that conversation. He knew if he wanted to get better, he needed to talk about it, but that was easier said than done. He had been going through his in his head repeatedly, trying to work up the nerve, but it seriously felt impossible to talk about. Thinking about it brought his heart rate up.

“You gonna talk to me eventually?” The man’s voice startled him, and Rafael looked over to him. 

“Sorry,” he said softly. “Um, I guess I should introduce myself. I’m Rafael.” 

“I know,” the man said. Rafael frowned. “You can call me Bernard.” 

Rafael was quiet for a few moments, but he felt tears filling his eyes. He swiped at them with the back of his hand, feeling pathetic. “Why did you save me?” he asked softly. 

The man sighed softly. “Why wouldn’t I?” he asked. “You were in trouble.” 

“You don’t even know me,” Rafael said. 

“You remind me of someone,” the man said softly. Rafael wasn’t sure what that meant, but he wiped the tears from his face. “I saw you check in. You didn’t come out of that room for days. Son, I just had a feeling you needed some help.” 

“Thank you,” Rafael whispered. He didn’t feel capable of explaining himself, but the man’s compassion made him feel emotional. 

“Tell me something about yourself,” Bernard said softly. Rafael didn’t know what to say. 

“I like books,” he finally said. Or at least he used to. He missed reading, but he didn’t feel like he had the energy. 

“How about I bring a book to read to you?” Bernard said, and Rafael wasn’t sure how to respond. 

“I think I’d like that,” he said softly. 

“I have to get to work, but tonight, I’m going to bring a book back. Rest up,” the man said. Rafael watched him go, wondering what was going on in his life anymore. A complete stranger had saved him. 

He was left to his own thoughts until there was a knock on the door, and he looked up, seeing a woman at the door. She was dressed nicely, and he wasn’t sure if she was a doctor or not. She had a clipboard in her hands. She took a seat beside his bed. “Hi, Rafael, I’m Erin, I’m a sexual assault advocate who works closely with the hospital. Do you mind if we talk for a little bit?” 

“Okay,” Rafael said. She smiled at him, and he tried not to twitch. He averted his gaze. Eye contact had become hard. It felt like people were staring into his soul; maybe they could see all the pain he was in. He didn’t like feeling that vulnerable. 

“Dr. Stinson said you might want to talk,” she said. “I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it.” Rafael swallowed heavily. He wanted to talk about it. He knew saying it outloud would help. He knew Liv would tell him that pretending it didn’t happen wouldn’t make it go away, but talking about it seemed like it would only make things worse. 

He thought back to the first time it had happened. He had been spending most of his time watching tv in his cell or reading. He didn’t like to go out unless they made him. It caused him too much anxiety. He was still damp from his shower, and they were bringing him his food. He never should have turned his back. Not even if he thought the door had been shut already. 

He felt his heart rate picking up, and he tried to tamp down on the panic. He needed to talk about it, but the words seemed to be stuck in his throat. “Rafael?” Erin said gently. “Are you okay?” He felt tears in his eyes. He needed to do this. “Let’s start a little easier. Do you want to tell me a little bit about yourself?” 

“Okay,” he whispered, his voice shaky. 

“How about a job? Where do you work?” She asked.

“I’m a lawyer,” Rafael said softly. “A district attorney.”  _ Not anymore, you coward _ . He closed his hand around the sheet. 

“Do you have any family?” she asked. 

“No,” he said.  _ You have no one.  _

“Do you want to tell me how long ago it happened?” she asked. He wasn’t sure how to explain that. It had been ongoing for months. The last time had been just a few weeks before. 

“A few weeks ago,” he finally said softly. 

“I know this is hard, but do you want to tell me how it happened?” she asked. He shook his head; he couldn’t. “Alright, do you want to talk about how you feel now?” 

This wasn’t helping. He felt useless, and all he wanted to do was close his eyes and pretend nothing happened. He couldn’t stand to think about it. His hands were shaking so badly that when he tried to lift his glass of water, he spilled it all over himself. Erin got him a few paper towels, and helped him clean up a little bit. She left a card with him in case he wanted to talk more, but he didn’t think he would be able to. 

He reached for his phone; his heart was aching. He missed Liv so much, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He needed to hear her voice. He scrolled through his voicemails, clicking on one. “Hey, Rafa, I know you’re stuck in the office late, and I just wanted to let you know, I ordered us some take out from Forlini’s. Don’t work yourself too hard. I’ll see you soon.” He couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks as he played it again. 

……………………….

“Mommy,” Noah said. He was at the door to the bathroom. Liv wiped her mouth, hoping she wouldn’t throw up again. She turned toward him. 

“Yes, sweetheart?” she asked. 

“Are you okay?” he asked. He looked worried. 

“I’m alright, Noah,” she promised. 

“I made you some tea,” Noah said. Liv froze. Noah had been using the stove. By himself. She didn’t want to upset him because he was trying to be helpful, but she could imagine all the possible scenarios where that could go horribly wrong. If he burned himself or spilled boiling hot water or if he left the stove on, it could be disastrous. 

“Thank you, honey,” Liv said, taking the mug that he brought over to her. “Next time you want to use the stove, how about you come find me first. This was really nice though.” 

“Okay, Mommy,” Noah said. Liv sipped the tea, trying not to grimace. Noah had put far too much sugar into it. He was looking at her expectantly. 

“Thank you,” she said again. 

“I made you breakfast,” Noah said, and Liv felt her heart swell. It was so sweet of him to try and take care of her like this. 

“Oh, Noah, that was sweet,” Liv said. She wasn’t hungry though. She still felt queasy. She didn’t want to make him feel bad. “Give me a few moments, sweetheart. I’ll be out soon.” 

“Do you need anything else?” Noah asked softly. 

“No,” she said, smiling at him. “Thank you, baby.” He hugged her before heading out of the room like she’d asked. She felt dizzy, and she leaned back against the wall for a few moments, trying to recover. She was going to try and eat what Noah made, but she didn’t want to throw up again. 

Noah was waiting for her expectantly when she came out. He had a plate with eggs and some toast, and she took it from him. They both sat down, and Liv picked at the food, trying not to make herself sick. “Do you like it?” Noah asked. It was a little bit too salty. She smiled despite the taste in her mouth. She wanted to hug her son over and over again.

“Yes, sweetheart. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it,” Liv said. “Now, how about you go get ready for school.” 

“But Mom,” Noah said. “You feel sick. I want to help you.” 

“I know, baby,” she said. “But you have to go to school. You can help me later.” Noah sighed, but he eventually nodded. 

……………………………

Rafael was laying in his hospital bed, feeling soothed as he listened to Bernard’s soft voice. The man was reading to him from a book, and Rafael felt relaxed. He was more relaxed than he’d been a long time. There was something about someone there--reading to him and caring about him--that made him feel like maybe he could let his guard down. He barely knew Bernard, but the man had been so kind to him in such a short period of time. There was something inherently calming about him. 

He couldn’t remember a time when either of his parents had taken a lot of time to comfort him when he was sick. His mother loved him, but it was in her own way, and sometimes, she lacked the warmth he would have appreciated. He certainly never got any sympathy from his father. 

His eyes had been closed, but when Bernard stopped reading, he opened them. The doctor was standing at the door of his room. “Rafael,” he said, knocking softly. Rafael didn’t say anything. “I got your blood test back. All your levels look good, and it looks like the infection is finally under control. I think we’re going to discharge you.” 

Rafael was surprised he’d passed the psych exam. He’d barely been able to say a word to the psychiatrist who had been down to evaluate him. He had tried, but every time he opened his mouth, nothing came out. “Does he need to be on any medications?” Bernard asked, and the compassion and caring in the man’s tone brought tears to Rafael’s eyes. 

“I’m going to send him with an oral antibiotic to make sure we clear the infection up completely. I’d also like to see Rafael again to check his concussion,” Dr. Stinson said. Rafael hadn’t been able to hide his lingering troubles with his head while in the hospital. He’d been forced to fess up about everything. They’d taken x rays of his broken ribs, one of which was still healing . They had wanted to do an MRI, but Rafael didn’t feel comfortable getting in the machine. 

It was loud, and he wouldn’t be able to move around. He just wanted to lay in the hospital bed and close his eyes. He wasn’t sure what he’d do when he was on his own again. He’d eaten more since he was in the hospital, but it was still a pitiful amount. It was just enough that they weren’t threatening him with a feeding tube anymore. He missed Liv; he was itching to call her. He just wanted to hear her talk to him. He wanted to tell her he was sorry. He wanted to hear her say that she loved him. He had ruined all of it. 

“Rafael.” He looked up, realizing he’d zoned out. “You okay?” He nodded. “I’m going to bring in the discharge papers. You can head home tonight.  _ I don’t have a home.  _ He allowed himself a few moments of self pity, but he knew he had a home. He had Olivia, but he was an idiot. He was the one who left and hadn’t called once. He had tried. He’d tried more than once since he was in the hospital, but every time he picked up the phone, he couldn’t do it. 

Liv had called him dozens of times. She left him messages asking him to come home, telling him that she loved him, and he hadn’t answered one. He couldn’t even bring himself to text her. Every time he tried, he ended up deleting it. He was pitiful. 

“Rafael.” Bernard’s voice was gentle. “Look at me, son.” He felt his heart clench when he heard that word. He looked at the older man who had a soft smile on his face. “Are you okay? Do you need me to get you anything.” 

“I’m okay,” Rafael said. He wasn’t sure if there was anything that would help. 

“Your room is waiting for you at the hotel,” Bernard said. “I’ll bring you dinner at night.” 

“Thank you,” Rafael said softly. It made him emotional to think about someone who was a complete stranger being so willing to help him. He would be dead if it wasn’t for Bernard who had come to check on him out of the kindness of his heart. He didn’t understand why. 

“If you need me for anything, I want you to call. Even if you just want to talk,” Bernard said. “We’re going to get you through this, okay?” Rafael nodded again, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. Maybe he could be okay. 

……………………………….

Liv was sitting in her bed, looking at the picture frame on her nightstand. It was a picture she’d taken with Rafael. Carisi had been the photographer when they were at the bar, and they were both smiling. She loved that picture; she loved the crooked smile on his face. She missed him so much that her heart ached for him. She wanted to hold him and kiss him. She needed to know he was okay. 

There was an envelope sitting on the nightstand. He was supposed to be there so she could open it. She didn’t want to do it without him. It was a big deal to find out if they were having a son or a daughter. She had thought he might be back by now, but she hadn’t heard a word from him. He was just gone, and it had been over a month. 

Noah was still struggling. He always looked a little upset, and she wished she could say something to make him feel better. It was hard to comfort her son when she was on the brink of falling apart herself. She was a wreck. Her poor health was making it hard for her to concentrate, and it was affecting her mood. She was constantly feeling tired and her head always hurt; it was hard to keep her spirits up when she was physically ill. 

Her latest ultrasound was beside the envelope. She was saving them for Rafael. She had a folder put together for him with ultrasounds and pictures. She wanted him to come home and be able to at least experience the things he missed. She wished more than anything that he wouldn’t miss them in the first place. He deserved to be there with her. He deserved to experience it. She deserved to have him with her. She was so tired of everyone leaving, and she was terrified that he wasn’t coming back just like everyone else who had walked out of her life. 

She stroked her thumb down his cheek over the glass of the picture frame, trying not to let the tears get the best of her again. There was a soft knock at the door, and Noah poked his head in. He was scrubbing his hand over his face, dragging Eddie along behind him. “Mommy?” Noah said. 

“Yes, baby?” she asked softly. 

“Can I sleep in here with you?” he asked, and Liv knew she should say no, but Noah stuck his bottom lip out, pouting at her. He had big, blue eyes with tears just threatening to fall, and she didn’t think she could deny him. 

“Okay,” she finally relented, and he walked in, climbing up on the bed beside her. 

He was peeking over at her, and she waited for him to say what was on his mind. He didn’t take long. “We don’t need him,” Noah said softly. 

“What?” Liv asked, turning to face him. 

“We don’t need Uncle Rafa. You have me,” Noah said. 

“Noah, I know we don’t need him. You and I are going to be perfectly fine, but I miss him. I’m worried about him. I love Uncle Rafa,” she explained. 

“He doesn’t love us,” Noah said, and Liv wished she had a better way to explain. 

“Yes he does,” she said. “Don’t you love him?” Noah just shrugged and that hurt her heart. She wasn’t sure what to say. 

Noah curled up on Rafael’s side of the bed, holding Eddie tight in his arms. “Mom?” Noah whispered. 

“Yes, Noah?” she asked. 

“Do you think I’ll be a good brother?” he asked. Liv couldn’t help but smile. 

“Yes, sweetheart,” she said. “I think you’re going to be a great big brother.” 

“Can I touch the baby?” he asked. Liv laughed a little bit. She took his hand and guided it to her growing baby bump. “When is it gonna move?” 

“Not for a little while,” she said. “It’s still too small.” 

“Why’s it take so long?” Noah asked. She chuckled softly again, stroking her hand over his curls. 

“Honey, it takes a long time for a baby to grow big enough that they can live outside of their Mom,” Liv said softly. 

“I was small like that?” Noah asked. 

“Yes, you were,” Liv whispered. “In fact, when I found you, you were still pretty small. Now, I think it’s past time you get some sleep young man.” Noah sighed, but he nodded, closing his eyes. Liv turned the lights off, trying not to think too much about how she missed Rafael. She just kept reminding herself that she didn’t need him like Noah said, but that didn’t change the fact that she wanted him there with her. 

……………………………….

Rafael felt sick to his stomach. He was sitting in the hotel bed, a bottle of gatorade between his legs. He was leaning against a few pillows as he tried to focus on some tv. He was trying to stay hydrated and take care of himself. It was hard to be all alone, but he could barely tolerate one person’s company. Going out was almost excruciating. 

He couldn’t breathe when there were too many people around. He wasn’t able to keep track of where everyone was when there were so many people around. He hated it when people could sneak up behind him. He did his best not to turn his back on anyone. 

Bernard had accompanied him to the store. He felt more safe when someone was with him. They’d kept the trip short, but Rafael had been able to pick up a few more things. He had gatorade and water to help him stay hydrated, and Bernard had dropped off a few books for him to read. Rafael had even bought himself his favorite imported chocolate covered coffee beans. He was trying to work up his appetite for something, and he only ever bought them on special occasions, but he’d only been able to force a few down without making himself feel sick. 

He had a pack of cigarettes on the nightstand, and he really wanted to smoke one. He had been at the store, shaking like a leaf when he spotted them, and he knew he shouldn’t, but the promise of a long drag and the soothing sensations that accompanied not only the familiar motions of smoking but the relaxation that came along with the nicotine were incredibly hard to resist. He’d bought himself a pack and lighter, telling himself they were only for emergencies. He wasn’t sure if he was going to use them at all. 

As he pulled one from the pack, he figured he should have known that the temptation would be too great. He’d quit smoking a year after he transferred to Manhattan, and Liv had been such a big help when he’d done it. The process had been long and hard, and he’d done so much work to be healthier, and now he was throwing it all away. He felt guilty as hell, but he couldn’t bring himself to care enough not to do it. He hated feeling like he was disappointing Liv as he slipped out onto the balcony, bringing the cig to his lips and lighting it. 

The first puff was almost heavenly. He coughed on the smoke, unused to it after so long, but the act of smoking again was one of the most relaxing things he’d felt in a really, really long time. He felt more okay than he had in months. For just a moment, it felt like everything in the world was going to be okay. He was going to get through this, and he knew that the feeling wouldn’t last. It would be there for maybe fifteen minutes, and then he’d be a trembling, shaky wreck again, but for his fifteen minutes, he wanted to feel like Rafa again. Of course, he wasn’t Rafa now. Not Liv’s Rafa at least. Liv’s Rafa had put down his cigarettes years ago. Liv’s Rafa was supposed to be a good role model for Noah. 

He wasn’t the same person anymore, and he felt a strange sort of hollowness in his chest when he thought about that. He grieved for part of himself that had been laid to rest inside of that jail cell. It hadn’t even happened all at once. Little pieces had been picked away and broken off until barely anything was left--he was a broken, ruined, joke of a man, and he had no idea how things would ever improve. Every time he’d been pinned against the hard edge of his bed, every time he’d been slapped and kicked and spit on, every time he woke up in the corner of the room, on the floor, terrified to think that he’d fallen asleep instead of keeping watch, he’d lost a piece of himself that he was sure was never coming back. Now, he was trying to take the shredded pieces of Rafael Barba and glue them back together, but it wasn’t working. He was some mangled, broken version of the man he had been. 

He took another puff from his cigarette, closing his eyes and trying to focus on the sensations. The ashy taste was definitely not something he missed. He was actually used to smoking menthols, but his goal was not to relapse into addiction. He was trying to just use them when he really needed it. The feeling of the smoke filling his lungs, of breathing in that deeply--it felt like he’d just woken up and stretched his muscles; it was heavenly. It grounded him in memories and sensations that were more clear--more tangible and he could stop wallowing for just a moment. He didn’t want to enjoy the cigarette; he could picture Liv’s face—her disappointment and concern, and it made his chest ache, but he was desperate. 

The cigarette was gone before he knew it, and he went back inside, feeling a low buzz. He felt better as he took a seat on the bed again, leaning back into the pillows and relishing his temporary mood. He took deep breaths and tried to keep himself in a good mindset. It wasn’t sustainable for him to continue being miserable constantly, but he didn’t really know how to stop. He was trying his best. He knew what Liv would tell him--therapy, but therapy wasn’t going to work for him. He couldn’t stand being around another person like that. He wouldn’t be able to handle that vulnerability. He could barely be in the same room as a harmless old man who had been nothing but kind to him. He’d been so miserable, he ran away from the love of his life. 

He hated himself for that. Liv didn’t deserve the way he’d treated her, but he was still incapable of talking to her. He wanted to call her--to tell her he was sorry and beg her to forgive him, but he was a disaster. She shouldn’t have to deal with him as he fell apart. He didn’t deserve her right now. He was weak--weaker than he had thought was possible. He was seeing signs of a boy that he thought had been buried a long, long time ago, but now it was worse. Then, he’d felt like there was some home, but now, he wasn’t sure what hope he really had. He was trying to hold on to the last tendrils of it, thinking of Olivia and Noah and the family he wanted to go back to. They were all that was keeping him sane. 

He had no idea what time of day it was, but he heard the door open after awhile of wallowing in bed. The high from the cigarette had long worn off, and he was back to feeling horrible. He wanted to smoke again badly, but he was trying to have some sort of self restraint. He felt his heart rate picking up as he thought about the last time he was laying in bed when the door opened. He could still feel the hot breath on the back of his neck--the uncomfortable strain of his muscles; his legs had been pinned down, and his hands were twisted in the blanket. 

“Rafael.” Bernard’s voice pulled him from the deep recesses of his mind. “How are you feeling?” 

“Not too great,” Rafael admitted softly. He rolled onto his back. 

“I brought you dinner. Think you can sit up?” he asked. Rafael wordlessly did as he was told. Bernard handed him a take out box, and he found a sandwich inside. Bernard took a seat in one of the chairs in the room as Rafael started to pick at his food. Why was he here? Why did he care? 

“Thank you,” Rafael finally said. He felt uncomfortable meeting anyone’s eyes, but he tried. This man was going far out of his way to help him, and he’d be damned if he didn’t try to show at least a little bit of appreciation. He took a bite and chewed slowly, trying to keep a handle on himself, but he had to ask. “Why...why are you helping me?” 

Bernard sighed softly, shifting around, and Rafael saw real pain in the old man’s eyes. He knew how pain felt, and he sure as hell recognized it in someone else. He didn’t want to push him. He knew how hard it was to be pushed. He could barely think about what had happened to him muchless tell someone about it. “You don’t have to tell me,” Rafael said softly. 

“No,” Bernard said. “It’s okay. I know I said before that you remind me of someone. There was someone who I wish I might have helped, but I didn’t, and I can’t change that. I can help you though, and I intend to do my best.” Rafael figured that was as good of an explanation as he was going to get. 

“Okay,” he whispered. “Thank you.” 

“Sure,” Bernard said. “I brought a movie. Would you like to watch?” Rafael nodded. He needed something to keep his mind off of things. 

……………………………..

Liv was much more visibly pregnant. So much so that she was struggling to hide it at work anymore. Fin and Carisi were irritating her with their hovering. Carisi especially spent way more time than necessary around her, and they were always offering to take care of situations without her. She wanted to feel useful. If she sat at home, she was a wreck. She couldn’t stop thinking about Rafael and worrying about possibilities. 

She had to admit that it was getting tougher for her to get around, but she was making do the best she could. She wished things weren’t so difficult, but there were mornings where she really didn’t want to get out of bed. She was losing hope that Rafael was coming back, but she didn’t want to let go. She had to believe he would return. He couldn’t have just left her; she knew he loved her, and she loved him so much.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the office door, and she looked up, seeing Rita waiting for her. “Hey,” Liv said. “Any news?” 

“I have a video,” Rita said. “It’s only partial, but it’s there. And you said Rafael was concerned about an STD, right?” 

“Well, I’d like to see the video,” Liv said. “And yeah, he was very concerned.”

“I have a plan. Let’s start with the video though,” Rita said, pulling out a flash drive. She plugged it into Liv’s computer and prison security video came up. Liv saw Rafael, dressed in that awful orange jump suit, looking small and broken, and her heart felt like it was shattered. Wherever he was, it was dark, and he looked hunched over and scared, a big officer pushing him along. Liv had a bad feeling. His hands were behind his back. They stopped after a moment, and the man looked Rafael over for a second before punching him in the face. Liv’s hand curled into a fist. Her husband stumbled back, out of the view of the security cameras, and the officer unbuckled his belt before following. Liv was about to shut the laptop, feeling sick to her stomach when Rita told her to wait a second. 

Then she saw it. Rafael’s face. He was on the ground, and his head was barely in the frame, but he looked terrified. He had his eyes squeezed closed, his hand on the ground, clenched tight like a fist. He was only there for a second before he was dragged out of the view, but it was probably more than enough to get them a warrant if they found the right judge. She wished Rafael was there so that she could remind him that he’d done well. He had fought. He had survived. 

“That asshole is who we’re after,” Rita said. “And, I bet, if you can get medical records, we could prove that he had something, and maybe we could link it to Barba.” 

“He wasn’t tested,” Liv said. She was barely keeping her emotions in check. She wanted to go kill the bastard. Her jaw was clenched. 

“Damn,” Rita said. “Not even when he was in the hospital?” Liv shook her head. 

“He made me promise I wouldn’t say anything,” Liv said softly, covering her face. “I just wanted to get him safe and deal with this all later.” 

“We’ll figure it out,” Rita said softly. “How are you feeling?” 

“Bad,” Liv said. “I miss him like hell, and I know he would want to be here for this.” 

“I know, I’m sorry,” Rita said. Liv shook her head. She couldn’t just sit there and do nothing. She grabbed her gun and holstered it, collecting her things. “Where are you going?” Rita asked. 

“To his house,” Liv said, glancing toward the laptop. 

“Olivia,” Rita said, chasing after her. “Stop.” 

“No,” Liv said, pulling her arm from the lawyer’s grasp. “He has to pay,” she said, the tears stinging her eyes. 

“You have to do this by the book,” Rita said, gently grabbing Liv’s shoulders. “Do you want Rafael’s tormentors to go free?” Liv shook her head, tears filling her eyes. “We’re going to get them, and we’re going to make them pay.” 

“Okay,” Liv finally agreed. She said to reach out and grab a chair to steady herself. Suddenly, she felt really dizzy and she was cramping a little bit. 

“Are you alright?” Rita asked. Liv couldn’t answer. She was focusing on breathing. “Liv?” She shook her head. “Okay, let’s sit down for a second.” 

“Rafa,” she whispered, feeling terrified, pressing her face against her arm and trying not to cry. She was so scared, and she missed Rafael. She wished he was there with her. He used to be so good at comforting her and taking care of her when she needed it. He would always tease her and call her wonder woman. He would tell her she saved the world, but the truth was she needed him; they needed each other. Sometimes wonder woman needed to cry. She could think of so many times where he held her when she felt like she was on the precipice of falling apart or losing her way. She hated crying in front of anyone, but somehow Rafael made her feel safe. He made her feel like it would be okay. 

The pain was almost too much for her, and she was so scared. She couldn’t lose this baby. It was the only piece of Rafael she had left, and it was essentially her last hope at having a biological child. “Liv.” That was Fin’s voice. “Liv, take a deep breath,” he said. “Can you walk?” 

“I-I think so,” Liv whispered. 

“Alright, I’m going to help you up, and we’ll go out to the car,” Fin said gently. “Just put your arm around my back.” Liv did as she was told, but as he eased her up to her feet, a searing pain made her gasp. “Okay,” Fin said. “Just relax. I’m going to carry you.” She wanted to fight it. She didn’t need carried. She wanted to walk, and she wanted to be okay. She needed her baby to be okay just like she needed Rafael to be okay, but everything was a mess. Liv let Fin pick her up; she was feeling dizzy enough that she didn’t think she’d make it on her own. 

“I want Rafael,” she whispered, tears escaping her eyes, and Fin, hushed her, gently easing her down into the back of the cruiser. 

“Just hold on, Liv,” he said. “I’ll have you at the hospital soon.” She was still crying, and she reached for her phone. She needed to hear Rafael’s voice. She needed him. She dialed his number, but the phone rang and rang, going to voicemail, and she let out a pitiful little sob. 

…………………………..

Rafael was sitting on the balcony again, lighting a cigarette as he sat in a chair. Bernard was sitting with him, keeping him company again, and he tried not to think about that too much because it made him very emotional. He was trying not to let himself get too emotional. Whenever he did, it would throw him into an immediate downward spiral. Instead, he was trying to keep himself in good spirits, and smoking was really helping his anxiety. It at least gave him a brief time where he wasn’t feeling like he was in a blind panic. 

Bernard had been reading to him again, and it really surprised him how much that was relaxing. He could focus on Bernard’s calm voice and let it sweep him away even if it was only for half an hour. Now, they were quietly talking--well, Bernard was talking and Rafael was smoking. He took a long drag from the cigarette, letting himself breathe out all his tension and stress along with the smoke. It was getting him through. He knew it wasn’t a solution, and he knew it wasn’t really helping, but it made things bearable if only temporarily. 

“What are you thinking for dinner tonight?” Bernard asked him gently. Rafael had no idea. Nothing sounded appetizing. He was managing to eat dinner, but that was the extent of his daily food intake, and he was barely choking it down. He was doing better in the water department though, drinking throughout the day the best he could. He was surprised at the improvement in his mood. He felt much better physically since he finished his course of antibiotics and he was staying hydrated. He hadn’t realized how poorly his health had been, or how it was affecting his state of mind. He was still a wreck, but he was doing so much better at getting out of bed and forcing himself to do the basic necessities. 

“Whatever you’re in the mood for is fine,” Rafael whispered. 

“You’re sure there isn’t anything you’d prefer?” Bernard asked. Rafael shrugged, taking another puff from the cigarette. He ran a hand through his greasy hair, realizing he needed a shower badly. It slipped his mind sometimes, and other times, it was all he could think about. He was almost finished smoking when he heard it. The sirens started out softly and grew louder and louder, and Rafael felt his heart rate picking up. He couldn’t go back there. He just couldn’t. He tried to tell himself that they weren’t coming for him, that he hadn’t done anything wrong, but he hadn’t done anything wrong the last time either. “Rafael?” Bernard asked softly. Rafael didn’t feel like he could answer. He shoved his fingers into his hair, scrunching up a little bit. He felt like he was going to lose it and fast. He needed to get inside. He needed to hide. They couldn’t take him; he couldn’t handle more police officers, and he definitely couldn’t handle handcuffs. He was still thinking about how they felt as they dug into his lower back, hands hands pinned behind him. 

“Fuck, no,” he whispered, staggering to his feet. He saw a glimpse of the flashing red and blue and he thought of the night they dragged him out of Liv’s apartment as Noah sobbed. He went back inside the room, desperately looking for somewhere he could hide. He settled on the closet, tucking himself inside of it in the little corner and scrunching up. He covered his face, unable to stop the tears pouring down his cheeks as his whole body shook violently. 

He was rocking, trying to stay calm and quiet, but he was having trouble. He hadn’t felt so terrified since he was pinned down to the bed in his cell. He couldn’t deal with that again. His throat was burning as a sob bubbled up from his chest, and he let it out, sounding pitiful as he cried. 

“Rafael?” Bernard’s voice was worried, but he sounded calm as he searched for the lawyer. Rafael scrunched up tighter. The other man finally seemed to realize he was in the closet, and Rafael heard him kneel down beside the door. “Rafael, it’s okay.” 

“Please don’t let them take me,” Rafael said. “Please.” 

“No one is going to take you anywhere,” Bernard said. “It’s just you and me. There’s no one else here.” Rafael’s heart was beating so fast, he could hear it. He felt like he was going to be sick, and he couldn’t stop the shaking. 

“I didn’t do it,” Rafael whispered. “I didn’t. They don’t believe me.” 

“Take a deep breath,” Bernard said gently. 

“No, no, no,” Rafael whispered. 

“Can I open the door?” Bernard asked softly. Rafael wasn’t sure. He felt more protected with the door closed, but maybe Bernard could calm him down. Maybe he would protect him.

“Okay,” Rafael finally whispered. The door opened slowly, and he saw Bernard’s face. The older man shifted around to sit beside Rafael in the closet. 

“It’s okay, Rafael. You’re safe here with me,” he said gently. Rafael wasn’t sure if that was true, but he needed to believe it was. “Come here, son.” Rafael felt warmth blossoming in his chest. Every time Bernard treated him with kindness and practically like family, Rafael felt some sort of hope—a hope that he’d lost while in prison. It made him think about his family. He wanted to go back to them, but he was still too much of a disaster. 

Rafael let Bernard pull him closer, resting his head in the other man’s lap. He was reminded starkly of afternoons when he wasn’t feeling well or when he was stressed out where Liv would sit on the couch with him and watch tv. She’d be wearing sweatpants and a tank top or a tee shirt and he’d be in his boxers still and one of his soft worn shirts. Liv would cradle him close and stroke her fingers through his hair and whisper to him. 

He missed it more than anything in the world. He missed her more than anything. He found himself starting to cry, and Bernard shushed him softly. Rafael was grateful he wasn’t alone. He wasn’t sure what he would do if he was alone at the moment. “You’re safe now,” Bernard said again. “Just take deep breaths.” 

………………………….

Liv was laying in the hospital bed, feeling extremely exhausted. She was in a lot of pain, and the doctors had been in and out of the room, monitoring the baby’s heart rate. Fin was still sitting in the room with her as they waited for some sort of news. Things were more bearable now that she was laying down, and they’d given her some pain medication, but she was still feeling incredibly emotional as she waited to hear something. 

“Liv,” Fin said, and she blearily looked at him. “I’m going to run down to the cafeteria. Do you want anything to eat?” She shook her head. “Alright. I’ll be right back.” 

She was lonely and scared, and she knew she shouldn’t be calling him again. He obviously wasn’t going to answer--he hadn’t yet. He needed space, but she  _ needed  _ him. No. She had to remind herself that she didn’t need him. She wanted him. She was tired though. She was so tired of wanting people and not having them there. She was tired of being alone. She deserved better than that, so she called him again. The phone rang, and it rang, and then, instead of the sound of her message going to voicemail, someone picked up. Liv felt her heart jump into her throat--she was finally going to hear his voice after so long. He had to be okay. She wanted to talk to him so badly. 

“Rafael?” she asked softly. 

“He’s not available,” a voice said, and Liv felt sick to her stomach. Who was that? Was Rafael alright? Why were they answering his phone? Where was he? 

“Please,” Liv said. “I really need to talk to him.” 

“He’s sleeping,” the man said. “I don’t want to wake him. I can take a message.” Liv was trying to stay calm, but she wanted to talk to him more than anything, and she couldn’t. 

“Okay,” she finally said softly. “Please….um...please tell him Liv called.” She couldn’t keep the tears from her voice, and she hated knowing someone else could hear her crying. “Tell him I really need to talk to him, and please tell him that I love him and I miss him.” 

“I promise, I’ll tell him when he wakes up,” the man said. 

“Who are you?” Liv asked softly. 

“Just a friend,” the man said. Liv couldn’t say that she wasn’t thankful that someone was with Rafael. She chewed on her lip for a second. 

“Could you please tell me where he’s at?” Liv finally asked. 

“I’m sorry,” the man said, and she wanted to cry all over again. “I don’t feel comfortable giving that information out. I’ll let him know you called.” 

“Thank you,” Liv whispered. 

“I’m going to make sure he’s okay,” the man said. 

“Okay,” Liv whispered, trying not to cry after she hung up the phone. She eased onto her left side, wincing as the cramps reared their ugly head again. She closed her eyes, wishing Rafael was there so she could hold his hand. 

……………………….

Rafael was so tired, but somehow, he felt more rested than he had in ages. Bernard was sleeping on the couch in the room, and Rafael sat up, rubbing his eyes. When had he fallen asleep? It was the first time in forever that he remembered managing to sleep for more than a few hours. He had been wallowing when Bernard came over, and he had broken out some scotch that he’d ordered the week before and managed to resist. He was trying not to drink because he thought it was a slippery slope. It had been too much of a temptation though after a really hard morning where he couldn't seem to escape the flashbacks and panic attacks. 

He’d been two drinks deep when the older man got there, and he knew Bernard was concerned. It had been barely a day since he’d had his freak out in the closet. Rafael didn’t want to talk about it though, so he didn’t. He let Bernard get a meal into him, and he promised to drink some water as he finished off his fifth glass. He’d been rather emotional when he was finally good and drunk, but that was the extent of what he remembered. 

His head ached a little bit, but he felt so rested, it was comforting. He hadn’t slept soundly or for an extended period of time since he checked in. Hell, he hadn’t slept well since before he was arrested. He felt a little less shaky, a little less paranoid, and it wasn’t much, but it was something. He knew he should get some breakfast into himself. He wasn’t drinking coffee anymore because he was shaky enough without it, but he thought some food might physically help, and his physical improvements seemed to be helping his mental state at least a little bit. 

He needed all the help he could get. He called room service, trying to remember what would have sounded good to him a lifetime ago. He finally settled on some eggs and sausage and bacon, knowing there was no way in hell he’d finish all of it, but he was going to try. He dragged himself into the shower then, feeling proud that he was being somewhat productive. He climbed under the warm spray, cleaning himself efficiently before getting out and toweling off. He dressed in clean clothes before heading back out to his bed. Bernard was awake, looking at him. “How are you feeling?” he asked after a moment. 

“I feel okay,” Rafael said and it wasn’t a lie. 

“How’s your head?” Bernard asked. 

“It’s okay,” Rafael said. “Considering how much I had to drink last night.” Bernard smiled. 

“You want some breakfast?” he asked. 

“I ordered some,” Rafael said. “Do you want something? On me.” 

“I’m alright,” Bernard said. “I have to be down at the front desk in an hour. Mind if I use your shower?” 

“Of course, go ahead,” Rafael said. Bernard was watching out for him, and he wasn’t sure how he’d ever thank him. He’d stayed the night and inconvenienced himself in order to make sure Rafael was going to be okay. Rafael felt strangely emotional. He was startled when there was a knock on the door, and he answered it, taking his food and tipping the young man who had brought it up to him. He settled on the bed with his breakfast, sipping some orange juice as he ate and watched tv. Bernard appeared after awhile, looking torn. 

“Rafael,” he said. 

“Yes?” he asked. 

“Someone called last night, and I didn’t want your phone to wake you, so I answered,” Bernard said. Rafael swallowed, looking up fully. 

“Oh…” he said softly. “Who was it.” He was pretty sure he knew.

“It was a woman, and she asked me to let you know that she called. She said her name was Liv, and that she really needed to speak with you, and she asked me to tell you than she loves you and misses you,” Bernard said. Rafael felt tears threatening to fall almost immediately. What he was doing wasn’t fair to Olivia, but going back before he was ready wouldn’t be fair either. He didn’t want her to have to take care of him and piece his life back together. He was trying to do that on his own. “Are you okay, Rafael?” 

“Y-Yeah,” Rafael whispered tearfully. “Thank you.” 

“I’ll be back later. Maybe we can talk then,” Bernard said softly, and Rafael nodded absently. 

“Wait….” Rafael said as Bernard reached the door. “Did she sound okay?” 

“She was upset,” Bernard replied, and Rafael clutched a handful of the blanket. He had a lot to think about. 

………………………………

“Mommy,” Noah said sternly, and she sighed, sitting back down on the couch. “Let me get it.” Noah was being particularly insistent since she made it home from the hospital. Amanda had picked him up from school that day, and he’d thrown a tantrum until she took him to see his mother, and when he got in the room, he had started wailing and climbed up onto the bed, clinging to her. He’d thought she was going to die, and Liv and Fin had spent over an hour calming him down. He’d sat with her then, hiccuping as he recovered, and refusing to leave her side. The hospital had allowed him to stay overnight with her, and Liv had been grateful because she wasn’t sure anyone would have been able to pry him away.

They had finally discharged her on strict orders to rest for two weeks. The doctor said her stress levels were too high. Her BP had skyrocketed and she had been having contractions. It was far too early for that, and it had scared her. She was trying to rest more, but Noah took the doctor literally and wasn’t allowing her to get up off the couch. He brought her a glass of water and a book, and she sighed, closing her eyes. Fin was coming in about an hour to help out for the evening. Liv didn’t want Noah trying to do everything for her all evening. 

“Noah,” she said. He came running. “Sweetheart, go play legos or do your homework or watch a movie for a little while. I’m going to go to sleep for a bit, okay?” He nodded. She kissed his forehead, making sure he looked her in the eyes. “I’m going to be okay. Uncle Fin will be here in a little bit. I don’t want you worrying too much, understood?” 

“Okay, Mommy,” Noah said with a sigh. He hugged her, but he did as he was told, going towards his room. Liv sighed, snagging to two pillows and making herself comfortable on her side. She closed her eyes, but she didn’t sleep very well. All she could do was think about what the doctor said. She needed to be so much more careful. She could imagine Rafael’s soft, scolding tone as he made her stay in bed. He would be the worst, hovering over her. She could imagine it. She missed him. She wished he would be there to make her angry and frustrate her and make her want to smack him. 

Fin’s voice woke her up. She was glad he was there. Noah needed dinner, and Liv was still recovering. She didn’t feel capable of doing the dishes at the moment. She kept waiting for Rafael to call her, but she didn’t think he was going to. There was something holding him back, and she wanted to hold him and promise him that nothing would change her love for him, but he needed to find that truth for himself. He needed to come back to her and take that step or she couldn’t help. She couldn’t force him to be in her life, but she could hope that he would see how much she wanted to help. 

“What are you hungry for?” Fin asked, standing at the door of the living room. 

“Whatever Noah wants is fine,” Liv said. 

“You need to let me do more,” Fin said softly. Liv sighed softly, pinching the bridge of her nose. She had such a headache. She knew Fin was right, but she wasn’t ready to resign herself to desk duty. She would feel useless. 

“We’ll talk about it later,” she said softly. He nodded and went back to the kitchen. She wasn’t sure if he was going to order take out or make something for Noah, and honestly, she didn’t really care that much. She just wanted to go to bed, but she needed to make sure she had something to eat even if all she wanted was to pass out. Her body was aching, and she really wasn’t sure how to get some relief. 

She didn’t want to take any pain meds. She was trying to be careful about what she put into her body. She struggled up to her feet, groaning softly. Her back was the worst, and her feet were a close second. Her doctor had mentioned that she might want to try massage therapy, and she was honestly considering it with all the muscle aches and pain that had been bothering her. She needed to find a time once she’d taken a day or two to relax. Liv knew she needed to make a lot of changes, and she knew she needed to start making them soon. She hadn’t expected everything to be so hard; she had expected Rafael to be there with her. Now, she was all alone, and everything felt so much harder than ever before. 

………………………………..

Rafael had been feeling anxious all day, thinking about Liv. He felt awful. He felt awful for the way he had treated her. He’d abandoned his family, and he was moping in a hotel room, behaving just as miserably as he felt. He’d been nursing a glass of scotch in bed for most of the day, and he was ashamed to think about how many times he’d gone out to smoke.

He was itching to call Olivia, but he didn’t think he’d be able to actually talk to her. He was a coward and he knew it, but he wasn’t even sure how to start a conversation.  _ Hey Olivia, remember me? The asshole that abandoned you. I’m just returning your call because I was too much of an asshole to contact you before now. I’m still a disaster. How are you?  _ He hated feeling like he was burdoning her with his issues. That had been part of the reason why he left in the first place. He was terrified--too scared and anxious to be in New York, but he also didn’t feel like he was in a place where he should be in a relationship. He didn’t think he could give Olivia what she needed, and that wasn’t fair. He hated the idea of draining her at home after she came home from a long day of work. He could imagine the way she would take care of him--she would be loving and understanding, and it would be so nice, but it would also be absolutely unbearable for him. He wanted to contribute--to offer the love and support she deserved. 

He hadn’t eaten a thing all day, so he was glad when Bernard came in with his dinner. He was glad to see the older man, and he really needed some answers about Liv’s phone call. Bernard smiled at him, handing over his food, and Rafael thanked him softly. “How are you feeling?” Bernard asked him. 

“Not too great,” Rafael whispered. 

“You want to talk to me about who she is?” Bernard asked. Rafael shrugged. 

“How did she sound?” he asked softly. 

“She was very excited when she first spoke. She thought you answered the phone,” Bernard said after a moment. Rafael cursed himself internally. “She said she really needed to talk to you, but I didn’t want to wake you. She was very upset when I told her you couldn’t come to the phone. She wanted to know where you were, but I didn’t feel comfortable telling her.” 

Rafael was quiet for a bit, thinking and hating himself. He finally broke the silence, picking at his food. “She’s my best friend in the whole world.” Even that was the understatement of the century. Liv was his soul mate. She knew him inside and out like no other. “I love her,” Rafael said. “And she loved me too, but then I couldn’t stay, and I just...I needed to get away, and I didn’t want to hurt her.” He was starting to cry; the tears burned his throat and his nose, and he wiped them away with his arm. “I miss her,” he whispered. 

“Maybe you should call her,” Bernard said softly. Rafael shrugged. 

“I don’t deserve to talk to her,” he whispered. “Not yet anyways. Not after what I did.” 

“Maybe you could at least let her know you got her message,” Bernard suggested. Rafael shrugged again. He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure if he could resist the urge to run back to New York and into Liv’s arms--especially not if she asked him to. He wanted to keep his goal in mind. It was so easy for him to get lost in his emotions--in the despair. Sometimes, Liv seemed so far away that she was in another universe, and sometimes, he ached for her so badly that he had to fight with himself to not buy plane tickets and go back to her. 

There was a war going on inside of him, but it was a little better when he reminded himself that he needed to be better. He needed to be better for Olivia, and that’s why he was there. He was trying to get a handle on himself. He was trying to fix his life and put it back together so he could go home. He wasn’t there to drown, and he certainly wasn’t ready to go back yet. He needed a reminder. He paused, swallowing the food in his mouth before looking at Bernard. “Can you take me to the store?” he asked softly. Bernard nodded. 

Rafael finished his food and changed into something clean. He liked to wear hoodies when he went out so he could pull the hood up and hide his face. He was paranoid as hell, and he recognized it, but he couldn’t stop feeling like someone was going to stop him, arrest him for something he didn’t do and throw him back in prison. It was hard for him to remember that it was incredibly unlikely. He kept his distance from others when he was in public. The tremors always were worse then as well. 

The store was small, and he picked up another pack of cigarettes, a bottle of scotch, and he plugged his phone in at a little machine and printed out a picture. There were frames in the back. He needed a reminder, and a picture of him, Liv, and Noah--it was perfect. 

When they made it back to the room, he set it on the nightstand where he could see it when he needed. Bernard turned on a movie while Rafael fiddled with his phone, clicking on his chat with Liv. He sighed. He wanted to say something. He couldn’t just leave her hanging with nothing, but he didn’t know where to start. He didn’t know what could possibly make his actions any better. 

He wished he could find the words that he usually would. He wished he remembered who he used to be. He was scared--a shell of himself, and he felt so far away from Liv that he wasn’t sure how he’d ever get back. He peeked over at his picture, smiling a little bit, and Bernard’s voice startled him. “Just start with ‘I’m sorry,’” he said gently, and Rafael nodded, finally starting to type. 

…………………………….

_ Liv. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say if I’m being honest. I’m safe and I’m alive. I wish I could say I’m okay, but I’m not really at the moment. I hope that I will be okay eventually. Maybe we can talk more then. I love you.  _

Liv couldn’t stop looking at her phone. Rafael had sent her that text a few days before and she kept going back to it, telling herself he was alright now. He was alive. The way it was written—she couldn’t imagine how he was feeling if that’s what he wrote to her. He didn’t sound like himself. 

She missed the warm, joking texts he would send her. She missed his soft, deep voice. She missed his tight hugs. She missed the way he looked at her when they were alone. She missed his hands on her skin and the way his breath hitched when he was close. She missed lazy kisses when they woke up before their alarms and cups of coffee shared as they bumped shoulders during a lap in the park. She missed the charming lawyer who had stolen her heart. She missed her best friend.

She had sent him a few texts in return, telling him it was okay if things weren’t perfect. She wanted to help him. She couldn’t force him to accept her help though, and she wished he might let her do something, but it had been radio silence since his text. She was tired and emotional and trying to rest the way she was supposed to. 

Noah had been especially hovering and attentive, and it was sweet, but she was worried for him. He’d told her he wasn’t feeling well the morning before, so she’d let him stay home, sick, but instead of resting, he’d spent most of his time trying to get things for her. 

While she was resting, her focus had been on the COs that had tormented Rafael. She wanted to bust them. She was trying to be methodical in how she collected evidence. She didn’t want to tip off the corrections officers. She had witnessed how that could turn out when they went after Gary Munson. She was only glad that Rafael was removed from the situation; he couldn’t be hurt by her efforts to get him justice. That had been one of the hardest things for her to deal with when he was in prison. She had gotten him injured. She’d put a target on his back. He had nearly died. 

It bothered her more than she could express that he was put through so much pain; she hadn’t been able to save him. Liv knew she wasn’t perfect, and she knew she couldn’t help everyone, but he was her best friend. She loved him. She had failed him. Now, she could go after them though without fear of repercussions. She wanted to do something to make Rafael feel even a little bit better. 

Liv wasn’t sure what she’d find over the course of the investigation, and if she was being honest with herself, she was scared, but she wasn’t going to back down. He had lived a nightmare for three plus months. The very least she could do was investigate all the abuse that had gone on inside of that prison. She was unclear if there were more than one corrections officer that had personally targeted him, but there had definitely been more than one who overlooked what was happening to him. She wanted them all to pay dearly for what they’d done. 

Her faith was shaken. It baffled her that a good man--a man like Rafael could be so victimized by the criminal justice system. She knew there were false convictions, but it hit so much closer to home when it happened to Rafael. The complete incompetency of the investigation was astounding. She had been through an ordeal of her own, but it had been so long before, and in the end, it had worked itself out. Rafael hadn’t been so lucky. He had been through hell and back, and she hadn’t been able to do a thing until it was too late. It haunted her. 

Liv absently rubbed her hand over her bump. She had been starting to feel the baby kick, a lot, and it was strange. She loved feeling the little flutters when they weren’t keeping her up at night. Sometimes, she imagined Rafael’s hands on her belly as he felt their baby kick. She thought about his soft kisses over her skin, and even though he hadn’t known she was pregnant at the time, the thought of it still made her emotional. It seemed that everything had been making her emotional as of late, and it was getting frustrating at times. She cried over the silliest things, and Liv hated crying. She thought that maybe she wouldn’t mind crying so much if Rafael was holding her. 

…………………………….

Rafael was struggling more than he wanted to think about. He hadn’t gotten out of bed in two days. He needed a shower, and he needed to change his clothes, but he didn’t have the energy. He had been feeling incredibly anxious, and he had spent more time than he wanted to admit, trying to keep his breathing under control as he staved off a panic attack. He was only barely keeping them at bay, and it seemed to be getting worse rather than better. 

He had been doing alright until he had a few consecutive nights of awful nightmares. Sometimes, he could shake them off, but sometimes they planted themselves deep in his mind and festered until he couldn’t think of anything else. He didn’t sleep; he couldn’t bear closing his eyes and welcoming the dreams. Instead, he was plagued by insomnia, the anxiety making it impossible for him to allow himself to sleep. It was a brutal cycle--he stayed awake until he passed out for an hour or two from pure exhaustion and then the nightmares would start, disturbing what little rest he had. The lack of sleep was making it hard for him to think clearly. 

He hadn’t really eaten much at all even though Bernard brought him food. The older man had taken to reading him books again, and his voice was soothing for Rafael to listen to. It was something familiar--something he could count on every day. He needed that structure when he had nothing else. Bernard had left him that morning with the promise of a new book and Rafael’s favorite take out, but the lawyer didn’t think it would help. He knew he needed to get up and get out to break out of this funk, but he didn’t think he could. 

He heard the door, and he scrunched up a little bit even though he knew Bernard was coming. It was almost instinctual. He was trying to stay calm, his breathing picking up, and he knew it was entirely irrational. “Rafael,” Bernard said gently, a hand on his shoulder. Rafael flinched away. “It’s just me. Sorry. Can you sit up? I brought dinner.” 

Rafael tried to hold it in, but he couldn’t help the sob that bubbled up from his chest. He heard some rustling as Bernard set a few things down, and he felt the bed dip. “Hey,” Bernard said softly. “Rafael, son, look at me.” Rafael was struggling to breathe through the tears. “Look at me.” He finally lifted his head, looking the other man in the face. “I’m here. You’re not alone, and you’re safe now. I’m here.” 

Rafael couldn’t hold back the sobs then, and he grabbed at Bernard, shaking as he let himself cry. Bernard was hesitant and gentle as he cradled him close. Rafael hated the way he felt. He hated crying in front of people, and he hated feeling useless. He needed to stop. He forced himself to take deep breaths so that he could at least stop crying; it was a step in the right direction. Bernard was careful with him, letting go when Rafael pulled back. He was gasping in breaths. “Do you want some water?” Bernard asked softly. Rafael nodded. He sipped at the water, his chest still heaving. Bernard was patient with him, handing his food over when he had calmed down a little bit, and Rafael stared at it. He wasn’t hungry. He pushed the rice around with his fork, taking a small bite. He knew he needed to keep his strength up, and he knew he hadn’t been eating nearly enough, but it was hard for him when he wasn’t hungry. 

He choked down a few more mouthfuls of food before he set the container aside. “Is there anything you need?” Bernard asked him kindly. Rafael swallowed. 

“I need to get out of here,” he said softly. “I need to go out and do something.” 

“Anything you want to do in particular?” Bernard asked him softly. Rafael was shaking and trembling. 

“I want to go look at the stars,” Rafael whispered. 

…………………………….

Liv was ready to be at home with her son. She was doing better with the exhaustion lately. She was on desk duty at work. She went into the living room, absently rubbing her belly as she tried to figure out what they could have for dinner. She wasn’t sure what to make or what Noah might want to eat. “Noah?” Liv called, setting her things down. He came running out of his room, Lucy following closely behind. 

“Mommy!” Noah exclaimed, throwing his arm around her. He touched her belly, and she smiled, smoothing his curls down. 

“How was your day, baby?” Liv asked him gently. 

“It was good,” he said. Lucy smiled at her. 

“He was good,” she confirmed, and Liv nodded, still hugging her son. “Do you need anything?” Lucy asked. 

“No, thank you though. You can head home,” Liv said. Lucy collected her things, leaving as Liv extracted herself from Noah’s arms. “What are you hungry for, sweet boy?” Liv asked. Noah shrugged. “Hmm, how about pizza?” She teased.

“Nooo,” Noah whined, and she laughed. “I think we should try something new. Sometimes stuff gets old, and I don’t like it anymore.” Liv paused a second; Noah wasn’t much of a fan of trying new foods or expanding his horizons, and she was pretty sure this wasn’t about dinner. 

He hadn’t been talking about Rafael much anymore, and Liv wasn’t sure how she could try and fix what had broken there. She wasn’t sure if she had the right to. Noah was young, and it was hard for him to understand the magnitude of what had happened to his Uncle. Liv knew just how badly Rafael had been hurt. She’d seen him—seen the change in his behavior, and she knew he wouldn’t leave unless he felt like he had no other option. All Noah saw was that he was gone, and it made his mother cry. He saw a baby without a father, and Liv knew he could tell she was stressed. He had been through a lot--losing someone he loved from his life. Liv wanted Rafael to come home--she wanted her son to see that he was hurting, but he was still Uncle Rafa, and they still loved him. She wanted her family back together. 

“Since when do you like new things?” she finally asked, deciding not to press the issue at the moment. 

“I dunno. Not that long ago,” Noah said. 

“Mhmm,” Liv teased. “What do you want to eat then?” Noah made a face at her, turning toward the take out menus and pulling one out. Liv felt her heart ache; it was this chinese food place that she and Rafael used to order from all the time. Noah never was interested in trying chinese food. He usually had spaghetti or pizza of some sort. “Alright, we can order from here,” Liv said. She ruffled his hair, looking through the menu to decide what she wanted. She let Noah look over the menu while she was getting herself a glass of water. She had vitamins to take and exercise she was supposed to do as well as some work she should catch up on, but she wasn’t sure she would have the energy for all of it. 

After she called their food in, she let Noah pick a movie to watch, and they sat on the couch and waited. Noah leaned against her, feeling for the baby like he always did. He was so fascinated with her growing stomach. Liv just felt fat. She missed Rafael’s soft voice; he used to whisper to her at night when they laid in bed--he’d tell her how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. She used to laugh and shake her head at him because he was so damn emotional and sappy, but now that he was gone, she missed it more than she ever realized she could. 

Her face was breaking out from the hormones, and her feet were starting to swell some. She felt huge, and the longer she sat down, the more tired she felt. When the food was delivered, she had to drag herself off the couch, and she paid the delivery man. Noah stared at his food, looking a little pensive, but he finally took a bite. “Mm, it’s good,” he said. Liv smiled, and she was glad he liked it. 

Once they finished dinner, Liv was talking to Noah softly on the couch. “Momma?” he asked. 

“Hmm?” she whispered. 

“Is Lucy gonna watch the baby too?” Noah asked. 

“Well, after I have the baby, I’ll be home for awhile with both of you,” Liv said. “Having a baby is hard work. I’m going to need to rest.” 

“Do you think she’s gonna like me?” Noah asked. 

“Lucy?” Liv asked, confused about what he meant. 

“No, the baby,” Noah said. Liv frowned. Why had he said she? 

“I’m sure the baby will love you Noah,” Liv said. “You’re going to be a good big brother.” 

“I’m gonna like having a sister,” Noah whispered, and Liv frowned again, but she was too tired to ask. She just held Noah, kissing the top of his head before she turned the tv off. 

“Go brush your teeth and put on your pjs,” Liv said softly. “It’s bedtime.” 

“Okay, Mommy,” Noah said. He ran off to his bedroom while she turned the tv off. She went back to her own room, wanting to get changed. She wanted a hot shower, but it felt like too much work to stand for that long. She put on her pajamas before going to the bed and sitting down for a moment. She looked to the nightstand, to the picture of her family--the smile on Rafael’s face. Instead of the warm feeling that usually filled her, she felt a sense of dread. There was her envelope, ripped open, a paper hanging out.  _ Do you think she’s gonna like me?  _ Liv swallowed, feeling tears flood her eyes. This was not how things were supposed to go. Rafael was supposed to be there when she found out….they were having a girl. Liv was going to have a daughter. 

She couldn’t stop the sobs from spilling over. She couldn’t stop crying. She’d been holding it together for so long, but this was the straw that broke her back. She had this fantasy in her mind--this idea of how things  _ should _ have been. She kept hoping that maybe Rafael would come home. Maybe things would right themselves. She couldn’t bring herself to open that envelope without him; he was supposed to be there with her. They were supposed to do this together. It was the one thing she was holding on to the tightest. Maybe if he was there when she opened the envelope, he would be there when their baby was born. 

It was gone now. Her fantasy was shattered, and there she was, in her bedroom, sitting on her bed, pregnant, missing her best friend with all her heart. She felt so incredibly alone and miserable. She found herself reaching for her phone, wanting to call him, but she knew he wouldn’t answer. She was starting to panic, and she had to stop herself. She had to stop this before it snowballed out of control because there was no time for her to allow herself to be miserable. She needed to pull it together; she was okay. She had to be okay because she had to take care of Noah and the new baby--their daughter. 

“Mommy?” Noah’s voice startled her. “Why are you crying?” 

“Noah,” Liv said, her voice shaking as she turned towards him. “I want you to tell me the truth. Did you open this envelope? Did you read it?” Noah looked down. She could see the shame on his face as he bit his lip. 

“Yes,” he finally whispered. “I’m sorry.” 

“Is that why you asked….” Liv trailed off, crying harder all over again. Noah came over to the bed, and he truly looked scared. He hugged her, and she held him close, pressing her face against his curls as she sobbed softly. 

“Mommy?” he whispered, his voice soft with a trace of panic. “I’m sorry.” 

Liv had to pull herself together. She needed to calm down and speak with Noah in a controlled manner, but she was struggling to get a grip. She didn’t want to scare her son though. He’d done something wrong, and they needed to talk about it, but the way she was acting was going to upset him too much. She finally managed to calm her breathing, squeezing Noah close. Noah looked up at her with tears in his own eyes. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“It’s okay,” Liv whispered, trying to comfort him. “We’re going to talk about this, but it’s going to be okay.” It seemed to comfort him when she said that. Noah kept hugging her, his face pressed into her shirt, and she rubbed his back, taking a few moments to calm down the best she could. “Sweetheart, why did you open that? It wasn’t yours.”

“Cause I wanted to know if the baby was a boy or a girl,” Noah whispered. 

“Noah, sweetheart, I was waiting to find out,” Liv said softly. 

“But why?” Noah asked. “It’s not gonna change.” 

“Honey, I wanted to find out with Uncle Rafa.” Liv said softly. Noah’s eyes narrowed. He pulled away, crossing his arms. 

“ _ Why? _ ” he asked, venom in his voice. 

“Noah,” Liv said. “This baby is Uncle Rafa’s too. I wanted him to be here for this. I love him.” 

“ _ Why _ ?” Noah asked again, sounding petulant and more and more angry. “He’s not coming back. And I don’t want him to.” 

“Noah,” Liv said, her voice scolding. “That’s mean.” 

“He’s not here,” Noah said, glaring. “I am here. She’s my sister. He left.” He climbed off the bed, stalking out of her room, and Liv buried her face in her hands. 

…………………………….

Rafael had a jacket on, his arms wrapped around himself as he stepped onto the roof. Bernard was following behind him with a flashlight and some chairs. Rafael took one of the chairs from Bernard, helping to set them up and he settled down on one, looking up at the night sky. The stars were brighter than they were in New York. He found himself tearing up as he looked across the sky. 

He and Liv used to spend nights on the roof of his building if someone was watching Noah, and they’d lay in a chair together, Liv tucked against his side, her head on his chest. Sometimes she held him instead and she’d stroke his hair and whisper to him. They would look up at the sky--at the faint stars and joke around about what they saw. He’d point out the barely visible constellations, and she would kiss the tension from his brow. They had spent their quiet nights up there, and it quickly became his favorite place to go. He felt comforted there with her, and it was a time where they could really talk without any interruptions. 

One time, Liv had dragged a blanket up there, and she’d straddled him, pushing clothes aside and rocking against him slowly. It had been intense and intimate, her forehead resting against his own as he clutched at her. It was a good memory, and Rafael craved her soft touch. He yearned to feel loved again--to feel safe. He wished the thought of anyone’s hands on him didn’t make him want to curl up into the fetal position. 

Looking at the stars made him feel like maybe he was close to Liv again. He wondered if she was looking at the stars too. They were so far away from each other, but he still felt connected to her through the night sky. The lights twinkling, the beauty. He found himself fiddling with the ring on his finger, and when he looked down at it, he couldn’t help the tears in his eyes. He didn’t feel like he deserved it anymore. He ran away from Olivia, from his family, from their relationship. What kind of husband was he? Who did that? 

He didn’t deserve her love. He didn’t deserve to wear that ring. He took it off, rolling it between his fingers. He thought about their wedding night--how scared he was, but Liv had made him feel safe. Liv had given him those few moments of sanity, of time where he didn’t have to worry. It was him and Olivia and no one else. Liv had kept him so damn calm in his time of crisis. His mind had been going a mile a minute until she had provided him just the comfort and distraction he needed. He would have fallen apart long before if it hadn’t been for Liv. She was the only reason he was still somewhat sane. 

He looked back up at the sky, tracing his eyes over the stars and he imagined what it would be like to be back in Liv’s arms. He imagined going home to her, listening to her promise him he would be okay. He missed her. He wanted to text her, but he knew he shouldn’t. He knew he needed to wait. 

“You alright over there?” Bernard’s voice startled him. 

“Hm? Oh yeah,” Rafael whispered. “Just admiring the view. They aren’t this bright at home.” 

“They are pretty here,” Bernard said. “You want me to read to you?” 

“Yes please,” Rafael whispered. He clutched his ring in his hand as Bernard began to read from a book, looking up at the sky, wondering if Liv was doing the same. 

_ I miss you. I love you. I’ll be home eventually.  _

……………………………

Liv was sitting on the edge of her bed. Noah was fast asleep on what had been Rafael’s side, clutching Eddie as he snored. She had coaxed him back to the bed with an apology for not considering his feelings before, but she was very bothered by his reaction. She was still very upset. She had been trying to hold tears back for hours even after her initial bout of crying. She ran her hand over Noah’s hair, pushing herself up to her feet and going to the kitchen for a glass of water. She needed some fresh air. She locked the door, heading down to the front of the building. She just needed a minute or two. 

Liv felt like she couldn’t breathe, until she finally made it outside. She sucked in air, leaning back against the wall of the building and letting her eyes wander to the night sky. It was cloudy, and she couldn’t really see much, but she thought of Rafael and his soft voice by her ear as he told her which constellations they saw or when he would make up things just to get a laugh. Her chest literally ached with sadness. She missed him so damn much. She found herself touching the crucifix that rested over her heart--his crucifix. 

It was a piece of him that was still with her, and she was grateful to have it. She wondered if he thought of her the same way that she thought of him. She thought about him every night before she went to sleep. She thought of him first thing in the morning and throughout the day. He always popped in her mind whether it was something she wanted to tell him or just the yearning to touch him or hear his soft voice. 

His picture was on her desk, right next to the picture of Noah, and she found herself looking at it often instead of getting things done. She found herself reaching for her phone to text him, only to stop in the middle of typing and delete it. He had been a constant in her life, always there to talk, always there to touch, and now, he was gone and she wished he wasn’t. Her hormones were ravaging her body, making it so much more difficult for her to process her emotions and loneliness. 

She thought back to the last night they’d spent on that roof--how he’d been holding onto her so tight, and how she thought that she was going to marry him some day. They were new into their relationship, but Liv had known from the get that she loved him. She loved him ways that she hadn’t ever loved a man before, and it was honestly terrifying. He was her best friend, her better half, and the love of her life, and she was so sure of that now that he was gone. 

They were married now and expecting, but everything was backwards and upside down, and Liv wasn’t sure how they’d ended up here. She wasn’t sure if they’d ever get back what they had. She had to believe in him though—she had to believe he’d come home to her, so she held onto him through the crucifix, praying that he knew just how much she loved and missed him. 

………………………….... 

Rafael dragged himself out of bed early. He was trying to stop himself from tumbling back down into a hole he couldn’t claw his way out of. He took a shower and put on fresh clothes, shaving his face and putting real effort in. He hadn’t had the energy for it in a long time, but he wanted to try. There was a gym in the hotel, and he knew exercise was supposed to help, so he was planning on trying to work out if he could find a space where he felt safe. He hoped no one would be down there. 

He had earbuds and his phone charged, and he had a pocket knife that he’d picked up at the store. He needed some sort of protection--something to make him feel safe, so he kept it in his pants just incase. 

He was shaking as he left his room, key card tucked into his pants. He slowly made his way to the elevator, looking all around him to keep tabs on his surroundings. He took a deep breath, foot tapping as he waited for the elevator. He didn’t make eye contact with the people who got off, and he only felt himself begin to relax once the doors had shut behind him and he was alone. He rode it down two floors, folding himself back in the corner as more people came on the elevator, and he crossed his arms over his chest, trying to stay calm. He had to take deep breaths until he could escape out the door of the elevator. There were way more people in the lobby, and he felt his hairs standing on end. 

His body was quaking, and he wasn’t sure if he could make it anywhere. He was looking around, but his vision tunneled, and he had no idea where he was or where to go. When he’d gone to the store on his own the first day he was in Miami, he’d still been running on autopilot, and ever since, Bernard had been at his side which had held him back from the brink, but now he was alone and he honestly was so worked up that he had no idea what direction the gym was or the elevator or his room. 

He staggered back until he hit the wall, gasping for breath. “No,” he whispered. “No.” He was shaking, and he scrambled to grab something, but there was nothing to hold. “Fuck,” he whispered. He needed to get a grip on himself, but he couldn’t seem to calm down no matter how hard he tried. He felt like people were crowding him, coming closer and closer until he’d be pressed up against the wall, nowhere to go, trapped, and tears were running down his cheeks. 

He felt there was no other choice than to curl himself up tight into a ball and hope he could calm down. “Sir?” The voice was of a young man, and a hand landed on Rafael’s shoulder, causing him to jerk away. “Sir, are you okay?” Rafael couldn’t find his voice to speak. “Can you get up?” He couldn’t. He felt paralyzed. “I’ll be back.” 

Rafael wanted to force himself up, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t think, and he was desperate to get himself under control. Soon, there were more people around him and another hand on his shoulder. “Please don’t touch me,” he whispered. 

“Alright.” This time it was a woman’s voice. “Can you tell me your name?” 

His voice was shaking as he took a shuddering breath. He didn’t trust his voice. “R-Rafael,” he whispered. He was relieved that he knew his own name still. 

“Alright, Rafael, I’m Ellie. I work here. Can we help you somehow? Can we take you somewhere?” she asked gently. 

“I--I don’t know,” Rafael whispered. His head was spinning. He had no idea where he was at or what was going on. Everything was just white, hot panic, and he couldn’t seem to process what the hell was happening. 

“Do you know how you got here?” she asked. He thought he did, but when he tried to put it into words, he couldn’t. He wasn’t sure why he was there or where he was or what the hell led to this. He just knew there were so many people and he wasn’t sure how to stop the spiral. “We’re gonna get you some water. Try and calm down a little.” The airiness and the confusion weren’t helping at all. He was growing more panicked if anything. 

His hand was shaking so much that he wasn’t able to hold the water bottle very well when they brought it to him. He tried to drink some, but it wasn’t helping, and he just want the floor to engulf him so he wouldn’t be there on the floor, surrounded by strangers. “Think you could come with me?” He didn’t think he could get up. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“Alright,” the woman said. “Hold tight, we’re gonna get you some help.” 

He had no idea how long it was before someone came back; he was scrunched up, hugging his knees to his chest as he trembled. He was batting back painful memories, trying his best to find a safe mind space, but everytime he managed to pull himself from one, another took its place. He had been trying to ground himself, a hand pressed against the cool floor, but it wasn’t really working. 

“Rafael?” the voice was new. He looked up, and his eyes bugged. The man’s uniform had his heart racing immediately. He immediately tried to scramble away, banging his back into the wall. 

“No, no, please, no,” he said, starting to cry. They were there to take him back, and he knew he wouldn’t survive. He would rather they shot him than take him back to that prison cell. 

“Take a deep breath, I’m not going to hurt you,” the officer said, but Rafael jerked away all the same when the man touched him. “We’re just going to take a ride to the station, see if we can figure this out.” 

“He’s pretty disoriented,” it was the woman from earlier. 

“Maybe we should go to the hospital first,” the officer said. 

“I don’t want to go,” he whispered. “Please, please don’t make me. I didn’t do anything.” 

“You’re not in any trouble,” the officer said softly. “Do you think you can stand up if I help you?” 

“No, please,” Rafael whispered. 

“It’s going to be alright, here, let’s try,” the officer insisted. He gently wrapped an arm around Rafael who was ready to do just about anything to get away from him. “Put your arm around my shoulders, I’m just going to get you up to your feet,” he said. Rafael really had no choice but to cooperate, and then he was standing again, trying not to collapse down to the floor. He leaned back against the wall, keeping his balance as he tried to slow his breathing. “Come on, let’s go out to my car.” 

“No,” he whispered. “I--I can’t.” 

“Rafael?” He knew that voice from somewhere. “Rafael, what happened?” 

“You know him?” the officer asked Bernard who was rushing over to his side. 

“Yes, yes, I know him, here, let’s get you back up to your room,” Bernard said gently, taking Rafael’s arm. 

“Are you sure he shouldn’t be seen by someone?” the officer asked. “He seems very confused.” 

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Bernard promised. “If he needs to be seen, I’ll take him. I’m sorry about the trouble.” Rafael felt all the anxiety leave his body in a rush, and he leaned on Bernard as he helped him toward the elevator. 

“I’m sorry,” Rafael whispered. 

“It’s okay,” Bernard said gently. “I’m here now. They won’t take you anywhere. It’s going to be alright.” Rafael nodded, letting out an exhausted sob. He let Bernard guide him down the hall and into the room, where he started to cry. How had he forgotten so much? How had he ended up in that position? “Take a deep breath,” Bernard said gently. “I know that was scary, but it’s alright now.”

“I’m sorry,” Rafael whispered again. “You’re supposed to be working and I—I just wanted to exercise.” Things were starting to come back to him now that he was out of the situation. “There were so many people and I just...I lost it.” 

“Don’t apologize,” Bernard said gently. “What can I do to help right now?” 

Rafael hiccuped, wrapping his arms around himself. He was so upset that he didn’t even know what to say. He was trembling, and Bernard draped a blanket over his shoulders. He was trying to stop, but he was struggling with himself. “I don’t know,” Rafael whispered. Bernard poured him a glass of water, but he shook his head. “Scotch please.” Bernard raised his eyebrows, hesitating a moment, but then he did as Rafael asked, pouring him about a finger of the amber liquid. Rafael threw it back, trying to calm down. He wanted another scotch, but he grabbed for his cigarettes instead, trying to head out to the balcony. He felt shaky and weak. He clutched the blanket tighter around himself, as he went through the sliding door and took a seat on the chair. He lit a cigarette, bringing it to his lips and shutting his eyes as he inhaled the smoke. 

“Okay, okay,” he whispered. 

“Rafael?” Bernard asked gently; he looked up. “How about I order you some food.” All he could do was nod. 

He was on his third cigarette when the food came, and he stomped it out, going back inside the room. He poured himself another glass of scotch, drinking it more slowly as he tried to eat. Bernard didn’t push him; he simply kept Rafael company. He really wasn’t hungry though, and he felt exhausted. He thought that maybe he could actually sleep after another glass of scotch or two and maybe a pack of cigarettes or five. He needed to slow his heart rate down some and stop the racing thoughts, and he had a lot to think about. He couldn’t let this happen again. He needed to get better. 

…………………………....

Liv was standing behind the one way window, looking in as Carisi and Rollins interrogated a suspect. “You should sit down.” She sighed, shooting Fin a glare as he approached her side. “You’ve been on your feet all day and I haven’t said a word.” 

“I’m fine,” she whispered. She walked back to her desk, staring at the notes she had been taking on the correction’s officers. She had a name. 

She had been going over hours and hours of video, but it was hard to find what was important. There was so much video, and some of it looked like it skipped time. She was exhausted from looking at it, and she was more than a little bit upset. It was so hard to see Rafael sitting curled up in the corner of his cell, looking dejected, looking terrified. 

She moved the notebook, turning her attention to the latest case file. She had been working overdrive, closing cases like it was nobody’s business. She was trying to fight back that queasy feeling that popped up every time she thought about Rafael--about how she’d failed him. She was using her job to compensate, but it did help to ease her worries some. It kept her busy enough that she didn’t have to think about everything that was going wrong. She didn’t have time to let herself worry about the baby or the future or Rafael and how much she just wanted to talk to him. 

She couldn’t stop peeking at the notebook with Rafael’s case details though. She needed to fix this even if it didn’t bring Rafael back to her; she needed to make those men pay for what they had done to him or she wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. She was waiting on a warrant from Rita for Dave Taylor’s apartment, and she was praying that it would come soon. As she was approaching her third trimester, things were getting much harder. She wanted this taken care of before she had the baby and had to take time off. 

She was hoping she wouldn’t have to take time off work before giving birth, but she wasn’t sure if things would work out that well. The doctor had been all over her about resting still, and she knew it was going to catch up with her eventually, but she couldn’t sit at home. The more time she spent there, the more she thought about Rafael. It was so hard for her to be helpless and to feel useless, and she was doing her best to just survive the rampage of emotions. 

She headed to the restroom where she could be alone, pulling out her phone and going to her voicemail again to hear his voice. It calmed her like nothing else. She felt tears streaming down her cheeks as she listened to the man she loved more than anything in the world. She only wished that it was really him, not a recording. 

……………………………

Rafael was standing in front of the mirror, shaking. He shaved his face as carefully as he could, but he had really let himself go too far. Usually, if his beard was that long, he would go to his barber, but he couldn’t even imagine allowing someone to touch him like that. He was going to have to do it on his own. He wanted to look put together. Bernard was coming to pick him up, and they were going to go out and get something to eat. 

It had been necessary for Rafael to take some time after what had happened in the lobby. He had been traumatized from his encounter with the police, and it had been more than enough stress to last him a lifetime. He had spent about a week in bed, not doing much other than forcing himself to eat. Bernard had been really worried, and he’d known it. The man had read him two whole books, trying to comfort him in his time of need, and Rafael had been doing his best to calm himself down and recover. 

After taking his time, he was ready to try something again. He knew he couldn’t sit around and let it fester. He needed to work towards getting better if he hoped to make any progress. It was necessary for him to get used to being around people again, so he was going to try. They were going to go to a restaurant for an hour or two, and he was going to be okay. 

He was just finishing up shaving his face when there was a knock on the door. He answered the door with a towel around his neck, and Bernard smiled at him. “Hey,” he said softly. “I need a minute.” 

“Take your time,” Bernard said with a smile. Rafael went back in the bathroom, wiping the left over shaving cream from his neck and face before he started looking for an outfit. He wasn’t sure what to wear. He didn’t have much in the way of nice clothes, but he found his lone pair of jeans and then he slipped into the nicest shirt he had. 

He had to take a shuddering breath, trying to calm himself down. He was nervous as hell, but he was going to push himself. He cleaned himself up, making sure his hair was combed and in place before he grabbed his wallet, following behind Bernard as they left the room. 

Bernard drove them, Rafael taking the time in the car to try and calm himself. He had so many things going through his mind. He was terrified, but at the same time, he knew he needed to take this step. He was twitching with nerves when they made it to the restaurant. Bernard was right beside him though, and he tried to keep that in mind. He couldn’t find his voice when Bernard asked him if he had a preference when it came to sitting at a booth or a table. He had to keep his eyes on his feet as they walked to their seats. 

His hands were absolutely shaking as he sat at the table. Bernard was watching him--he could feel the older man’s eyes trained on his face, but Rafael couldn’t even bring himself to look up. He was having trouble getting a handle on his voice even when simply speaking to the waitress. His voice was wavering, and he could barely breathe. He managed to ask for a scotch, staring at the menu as he felt his face burn. 

“It’s gonna be alright, Rafael,” Bernard said. He clenched his fists. “I can order for you if you want.” 

“I need to do this myself,” Rafael said softly. Bernard smiled at him, and Rafael felt a small burst of accomplishment. Maybe he could do this. 

…………………………....

Carisi had been the one to tackle him, and Liv was jogging to catch up. She wasn’t running so well anymore, but she wanted this. She needed it. “Carisi,” she said. “He’s mine.” 

The man was pinned to the ground, and Liv grabbed a pair of cuffs. She dug a knee into the man’s lower back, putting her weight on him and yanking his arms behind his back. He craned his head up, looking at her, and Liv felt nothing but utter disgust looking at him. “Oh,” he scoffed. “It’s you. Figures. Barba couldn’t protect himself. He needs his wife to come defend him. Well, tell him I say hi.” 

“You’re not going to hurt anyone ever again,” Liv whispered, getting dangerously close to his face. “Pretty soon you’re gonna be the one in a jail cell with no one to protect you.” She tightened his cuffs as tight as they would go, earning a hiss of pain. She jerked him up to his feet, ready to smack him into the side of the car, but Fin placed a hand on her shoulder. 

“Liv,” Fin said softly. “Take a deep breath.This scum doesn’t get to go free. You don’t want to fuck this up.” 

“Fin,” she said, her voice breaking. 

“Let him go,” Fin said. “For Rafael. He’ll pay.” 

“Okay,” Liv finally said, letting Fin put him in the car. She felt exhausted, but the relief she felt was incredible as she watched Fin drive off with Taylor in the back of the cruiser. They had him. She was sure they would have warrants for more COs in the near future for the part they played in Rafael’s abuse. She felt like she could finally breathe; even if she couldn’t protect him before, she could clean up the mess afterwards and it had to count for something. 

Watching the video evidence of what had happened had nearly broken her. It had taken hours to find what she needed. They had started by realizing there was a glitch in the video footage; there had been some tampering. They’d found the missing video in Taylor’s apartment. It had been on a flash drive that she’d found by his computer, and it had been the most painful thing she’d ever had to watch. She was shaken. It had done the job though, getting them the arrest warrant. 

“Liv,” Carisi said, startling her a little bit. “Are you okay?” 

If she was telling herself the truth, she wasn’t feeling well. She felt relieved, but at the same time, she was shaking and her head was pounding. She had been feeling worse and worse lately, and she realized that she was wearing herself thin. It was difficult, but she knew that it was probably time for her to slow down. The doctor had been pushing bedrest, threatening her with it really, and she’d been putting it off. Now, though, Taylor was in custody, and she could maybe find it in herself to rest. 

“Not really, Carisi,” she whispered. 

“Let me take you home,” he offered softly, and she nodded. She didn’t have it in her to fight. 

……………………….

Rafael was laying in bed when his phone buzzed on the nightstand. He groped for it, seeing a missed call from Liv when he managed to blink away the fuzziness enough to read his notifications. He breathed out softly, steeling himself for the message. He listened to each and every one of them and sometimes, it felt like torture. It was almost too difficult to hear her voice sometimes--to hear her tell him that she loved him when he felt like he’d abandoned her. “Hey, Rafa, it’s me. I’m just calling to let you know that we got him, finally.” His heart rate picked up. Him? She couldn’t mean….. “I had the detectives arrest Taylor today, and we have a strong case. He’s going away. I know I wasn’t able to keep you safe before, but….I just wanted you to know, I got him now. We miss you, and we love you. I love you.” Rafael was overcome with emotions. He couldn’t keep the tears in check. 

He was shaking, sobbing softly as he sat up in bed, his body absolutely wracked with sobs. He remembered being pinned under the big correction’s officer, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, knowing it was going to happen again and again and again. It hasn’t only been the obvious abuse either—Taylor and the other COs has taken every opportunity to try and break him. Sometimes, they didn’t bring his food, sometimes, they took the blankets from his cell when it was cold, there had been times when they threw him in solitary when he’d done nothing. He had nothing in that cell—no books, no music, nothing to do but wonder when he’d get his next visit from Taylor. It had absolutely broken him. He remembered asking Olivia to send him a picture of her and Noah during their phone call. He wanted something to hang in his cell, something to look at and think about. Something to keep him sane. They’d brought his mail to him, but he was helpless as Taylor tore the picture in half right in front of his face. 

He’d been inconsolable. It was difficult to think back on everything that he’d been through in that prison. He was haunted by it in his dreams and even when he was awake. Sometimes, he still spent nights curled up in the corner, feeling paranoid as hell for no reason at all. He thought about what he’d been through more than he wanted to admit. He forced himself up to his feet, heading out to the balcony. He had his cigarettes, lighting one as he shook. He honestly wasn’t entirely sure how to react to Olivia’s news. He was relieved, no doubt. Incredibly relieved, but he was also thinking more and more about what he’d been through--more than he’d been thinking about it in the last week or so. He felt like he was taking a small step backwards, but he hoped maybe it would allow him to move much further forward eventually. He allowed himself to smoke two cigarettes before he went back into the room, rubbing his face tiredly. He wasn’t sleeping very well still no matter what he tried. He was exhausted, and he wanted to go to bed, but he believed that Liv deserved to know he’d gotten her message. She had done so much for him, and he was so grateful to her. In truth, it was part of the reason why he was upset. She was still fighting for him even after he’d abandoned her. He wanted to go home, but he knew he wouldn’t survive there. Not yet anyways. 

He owed her a text at the very least, but he wanted to talk to her. He wanted to let her hear his voice. He simply didn’t feel capable of calling her though. He was a disaster, and he knew he would lose his shit if he tried to talk to her for real, so he wouldn’t. He still wanted to do more than a text message. He felt that was only fair to her, so he was going to figure something out. 

After thinking about it, he settled on recording a voice message for her, hoping he wouldn’t sound too pitiful.

…………………………

Liv was at home, in her pajamas, sitting on the couch. Noah was asleep beside her, his head in her lap. He’d been ecstatic when she told him she was going to take leave from work. After thinking about it all evening, she realized that it was time for her to stop. She needed to take care of herself now for her own sake and for her baby’s sake. She was stroking her fingers through Noah’s curls, her other hand resting over her swollen belly as she mindlessly watched some television. 

Her phone buzzed beside her, and she reached for it, freezing when she saw Rafael’s name. She unlocked her phone, bracing herself to listen to the audio message he’d left. When she hit play, she almost lost it at the sound of his voice. He sounded shaky, his voice soft and small, and that in itself was upsetting. Rafael wasn’t quiet or timid. Usually, he sounded calm and sure and steady even if he was speaking in soft tones. “Hey, Liv,” he said softly. She could tell that he had been crying. It was clear in the wavering of his words. “Thank you. Knowing that you have him in custody means a lot. It’s honestly a weight off my chest. I knew you would fix things for me. Know that I love you.” It was short, but it had Liv practically sobbing as she set her phone down. She missed him so much. It honestly was painful how much she ached to see him. She wiped at her eyes, trying to keep quiet so she wouldn’t wake Noah. Liv listened to it again, relishing in the sound of his voice, praying that she might hear it in person some time soon. 

Part of her wanted to call him and tell him that she was pregnant. She wanted him to come home and be with her. She didn’t want him to miss out on the birth of their child. She knew it would eat at him if he did, but at the same time, he needed to be really, truly ready to come home. She couldn’t force his hand like that. The moment she told him, he would rush back to her, ready or not, and she was terrified that it might damage him more. 

Even beyond that, she couldn’t tell him over the phone. He was somewhere far, far away from her, fragile and broken, and she couldn’t risk hurting him or pushing him over the edge. She wanted to be with him, looking at him and holding his hands when she told him that they had a daughter. She wanted to be there in case he needed to cry or talk or freak out a little bit because she was terrified too. She wanted to promise him that they would figure everything out together. She wanted him to know that everything was okay. They would be okay, and he could take as much time as he needed. They could do it together and she would support him the whole way. She couldn’t ambush him while he was hiding out and trying to recover. 

She typed back a message telling him just how much she loved him. She wanted him to know that she would always love him and that she hoped he was feeling better. Afterwards, she set her phone down and continued stroking Noah’s hair. They would figure things out. She would be okay, and she hoped that eventually, Rafael would too. 

…………………….

Rafael was still in bed. He was in a bit of a rut, the exhaustion overwhelming him, and he was having trouble dragging himself out from under the covers. He just felt so incredibly tired. He had the covers pulled up basically to his neck, closing his eyes when there was a soft knock on the door. “Rafael?” Bernard’s voice hurt Rafael’s head. “Hey, are you ready? We were going to go for a walk, remember?” 

“I remember,” Rafael mumbled, trying to push himself up, but he felt so tired. He knew he needed to get up though. He needed to go out and get out of the room. 

“Take your time,” Bernard said gently. Rafael nodded, managing to sit up. His head was aching. “I’ll get you some water.” Rafael nodded a little bit. He sipped from the water bottle that Bernard brought him. “Maybe we should wait until tomorrow,” Bernard said, but Rafael shook his head. 

“I need to do this,” he said softly. He got up, pausing a second to refocus his vision before he found something to wear. His head was aching. He trailed after Bernard as they left the room. He could feel himself becoming more anxious by the minute. 

“I was thinking we could go walk through the park,” Bernard suggested. Rafael nodded absently. He was just following. They had been planning on this, on Rafael getting out of the house and around people so he could desensitize himself from the panic. He needed to force himself into situations where he could practice his coping skills, and he wanted Bernard to be with him incase something went wrong. He didn’t think he could handle another incident with a police officer. 

He needed to get himself better so he could go home to his family. He was nowhere close, but he was more than willing to put the necessary work in to try and fix himself. He knew exercise would help in many ways. Not only would he be outside amongst other people, but he would be releasing endorphins and doing something that was good for his health. He was trying his very best, and he only hoped that it would make a difference in the long run. 

……………………..

“Liv? Aren’t you supposed to be home resting?” Fin asked, and Liv smiled. 

“I thought I’d visit,” Liv said softly. “Make sure you haven’t imploded while I’ve been gone.” 

“Have more faith,” Carisi said, standing up. “You should sit down.” Liv wanted to say no, but her back was aching, so she let Carisi push a chair over for her to sit in. 

“The truth is, I’m going a little stir crazy. Being at home for weeks unend with a six year is...a lot,” Liv said softly. 

“How’s Noah doing?” Sonny asked. “Any better? I know he’s been upset.” 

“He hovers,” Liv said. “He worries about me too much.”

“I don’t blame him,” Amanda said, shooting her a look.

“Yeah, Liv, I don’t think you know how to actually relax,” Fin teased, and she rolled her eyes. 

“I’ve been relaxing, trust me. Being pregnant is exhausting,” Liv said. “I’ve had Lucy over to help distract Noah from spending all his time by my bedside.” 

“He’s a good kid,” Sonny whispered, and Liv nodded. Her back really was aching more than usual. It was a deep ache, one that made her grimace. She sat back and rubbed her belly absently. She lost track of what they were talking about as she found herself distracted by the pain. She was feeling a little bit crampy as she sat there. “Hey, you want some water?” Sonny asked softly, and she nodded, sipping it, but it wasn’t helping. The pain was really clouding her thoughts. 

“Liv?” Fin asked, brow furrowed. “You alright.” 

“I-I’m not sure,” she finally whispered. She pushed herself up to her feet, wondering if a change in position would help. She felt a rush of fluid from between her legs, and then she knew. 

“Oh boy,” Fin said softly. “Alright, I’m going to pull the car around.” Liv felt numb. It was like every step of the way, she hoped and prayed that Rafael would be there for the next big milestone and she was wrong every single time. He was still gone. 

She was feeling incredibly emotional as Rollins gently took her arm, steadying her. “Come on Liv, let’s head down to the car,” she said, and Liv nodded. She was shaking slightly. It was too early. The baby was too little. It wasn’t time yet. “Take a deep, deep breath,” Amanda said. “We’ve got you.” Liv nodded absently, letting her and Carisi help her down to the street and into the back of Fin’s car. 

“Rollins,” she finally said, finding her voice. “Please call Lucy. I need you to talk to Noah. Tell him I’m okay. I want Carisi to go pick him up and take care of him, and Rollins, I need you to….I need you to record this for Rafael.” 

“Okay, okay, Liv,” Amanda said softly, pulling out her phone. “You focus on breathing, and I’ll take care of it.” Liv couldn’t help but let out a little noise, squeezing Amanda’s hand. The contractions were getting stronger. 

Liv was trying to relax and breathe as she listened to Rollins on the phone with her son. She could only imagine how upset Noah would be. “Noah, Noah please, take a deep breath,” Rollins said. Liv’s eyes widened. 

“Let me talk to him,” she said softly. Rollins handed her the phone without argument. “Noah, baby,” Liv said. 

“Mom?” Noah asked, sounding terrified. “Are you okay?” 

“Yes, sweet boy, I’m okay. I promise. It’s time to meet your little sister though,” she said, tearing up. “Honey, I need you to let Uncle Sonny take care of you for a little bit, and when she’s born, I’ll have him bring you here.” 

“No,” Noah said. “Mommy, please. I wanna be with you.” 

“Noah, you can’t,” Liv said tiredly, wishing he would cooperate.

“Can Aunt Amanda watch me instead?” He finally asked, sounding pouty. 

“Okay,” Liv replied. “I love you.” 

“Love you too,” Noah said. Liv hung up.

“He wants you,” she said softly. 

“Me?” Rollins asked, sounding surprised, and Liv nodded. 

“Tell Carisi he’s on the hook for camera man,” Liv whispered. “I sure as hell don’t want Fin down there.” Rollins snorted. Liv needed Fin with her though. He was one of her oldest friends, someone she trusted, and he would stay by her side through it. If she couldn’t have Rafael there to hold her hand, Fin was the next best thing. She was terrified to try and make her way through this, but she kept telling herself that soon she would be holding a little baby--a part of Rafael, and that meant the world to her. She took a fortifying breath, trying to keep a handle on her emotions because if she wasn’t calm, she wouldn’t be able to do this. 

…………………………………

Liv was sweating. She felt sticky and achy and she thought she might scream at the next person that assured her she was doing great. She only wanted to hear that from one person, and he wasn’t there. “Liv, take a deep breath,” Fin said softly, and she had to reign in her irritation, nodding and doing as he suggested. “You want some ice?” She nodded again. She shut her eyes, breathing through the pain of another contraction. 

She was really considering an epidural. She hadn’t been sure what she wanted to, but the pain was getting to be overwhelming. “Jesus,” she whispered. It felt like it had been hours. She thought maybe it had been. It was dark outside, and she was having trouble staying still. She wanted to get up and walk around a little bit, hoping it might ease some of the pain. Fin came back after a few moments with her ice chips, and she chewed on them, trying to let that distract her. “Can you get the doctor?” Liv asked. “I want to talk to them about getting an epidural.” 

“Alright,” Fin said softly, rubbing her arm. 

“Smile for the camera, Liv,” Sonny said from where he was sitting, and she wanted to sock him in the face, but he was only doing what she had asked, so she refrained. She offered a weary smile for the camera, but she was in a lot of pain. 

Liv was grateful when Fin returned with her doctor, but when they checked how far along she was, the doctor made a face that she didn’t like. “I’m not sure you’re going to be able to stay still enough for an epidural anymore. I can bring the anesthesiologist down here if you want to talk to them. It might be twenty minutes or so.” 

“How much longer do you think this is going to take?” Liv asked. 

“It’s almost time to push. If you get the epidural, it’s likely that labor might slow down. I’m not going to say not. It’s up to you,” the doctor said, and Liv shut her eyes. She wanted this to be over. She was struggling to keep herself together. She’d already gotten emotional, and it was only getting worse. 

“Can we just push?” she asked after a second, gathering her resolve. She needed to prepare herself. 

“Sure, I’m going to get the rest of the delivery team in here because you are very nearly fully dilated. It’s almost time to meet your little girl.” Liv tried to keep thinking that because she needed the motivation. She felt Fin take her hand, squeezing. 

“You’ve got this, Liv,” Fin whispered, and she nodded, gathering all the energy she had. 

……………………….

Liv was exhausted, collapsing back against the pillows. Fin was still holding her hand. The sound of her daughter crying brought tears to her eyes. She needed to hold her baby. Fin let her hand go as the nurse handed her the little bundle, and Liv was actually crying now as she held her little miracle. This baby was a piece of Rafael that she’d never expected to have and an answer to a lot of prayers. “Baby,” she whispered, her voice breaking. 

“Liv, I need one more small push,” the doctor said, and Liv obliged. She couldn’t tear her eyes from her baby. She knew it was her mind playing games, but she thought her little girl looked just like her daddy. Slightly crooked nose, vibrant eyes, a tuft of brown hair. She felt herself starting to cry for real, and she hated it, but she couldn’t stop herself. 

She was finally holding the little human they had created together, and she felt like her heart was so full that it might explode. There was only one thing missing, and she ached for him, but she wanted to savor this. She leaned down, kissing the top of the baby’s head, right over her soft hair. “Liv, the nurses need to take a look at her,” Fin said softly. Liv didn’t want to let go of her for even a second, but she did. 

“Okay,” she whispered, shutting her eyes and trying to let herself relax as they finished up whatever treatments she needed. She was exhausted, and it was a bit of a blur until they brought her baby back. 

“Do you have a name for her?” Fin asked. Liv nodded. 

“Her name is Hope,” she whispered, comforted by the name she had spent months picking out. It made her emotional to think about it. The name meant so much to her personally. This little girl gave her hope. She kept Liv’s hope alive that Rafael might come home some day. Fin squeezed her shoulder. “Can I please have a little bit of alone time?” Liv asked softly. “And um...can one of you call Noah and have Rollins bring him here?” 

“Let’s take a couple of new baby pictures,” Sonny suggested softly, and Liv knew he was right. She wanted them for Rafael. She couldn’t stop smiling. Even through the sadness and the pain, Hope gave her joy.

Then, she was finally alone with her baby, and she held Hope, her eyes closed, stroking her hand over her daughter’s dark locks. “Hi baby,” she whispered, her voice distorted by tears. “Everything is gonna be okay. I love you so, so much.” She had to pause for a second. “And you have a Daddy who loves you so much. He’s not here right now, but he loves you. I promise. We’re gonna figure this out and make this work. I promise, honey.” 

The nurses helped her adjust to feeding Hope, and then she decided it was time for a nap for them both, and she needed to get some sleep while she could. 

…………………………

“Mommy!” Noah’s voice startled her awake. 

“Noah, shh,” Rollins said, but Liv was already awake. “Your Mom needs to rest.” He’d already hopped on the bed.

“Sorry,” Noah whispered. Liv opened her arms for him though, and he hugged her. 

“Hi, baby,” Liv whispered, fingers brushing through his curls. 

“Where is she?” Noah said. “I wanna see her!” 

“Quiet down, honey,” Liv whispered. He sat down beside her, frowning. Liv sat up, reaching for the little cart that was just feet from the side of the bed. Hope was sleeping in a clear bed, wrapped in little blankets, and Liv gently lifted her up. Noah was looking at her with absolute awe, his eyes wide. “Say hi to your little sister, Noah.” 

“What’s her name?” Noah asked softly. 

“Hope,” Liv said, still stroking Noah’s hair with her free hand and balancing Hope in her other arm, so Noah could look at her little face. 

“Hi, Hope,” Noah whispered. 

“Do you want your present?” Amanda asked from the corner, and Liv looked up as Noah nodded fervently. Rollins brought him a little teddy bear that he took, and Liv felt like her heart was melting. 

“This is for Hope,” Noah whispered, and Liv smiled. 

“Thank you sweetheart,” Liv said. 

“Can I hold her? Please Mommy, please?” he asked, looking at her with his best puppy dog eyes. 

“Sure, sweet boy. Let me help you,” Liv said, positioning his arms and helping him support the baby. She saw Sonny taking more pictures out of the corner of her eye. 

Watching Noah with Hope made her feel so warm and happy despite the bittersweet mood that had been clinging to her all day. Even if things weren’t exactly how she wished or how she imagined, they had a beautiful, healthy baby girl, and a very happy little boy, and things were going to be okay. 

…………………………….

Liv was laying in the hospital bed, Noah passed out right beside her, and Hope was asleep after her last feeding. She couldn’t stop thinking about Rafael. She wanted more than anything to call him and tell him, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t do that to him while he was so fragile. She wondered if he was ever coming back, but then she looked at their daughter, and thought that somehow, he had to. He had to come back and meet her and see the miracle they had created together. 

She had to believe that. She pulled her phone out, clicking on their conversation. Her heart ached as she read over the last messages he’d sent. She hoped things were getting better for him because she hated to think about him being in pain. Everything had fallen apart, and she just wanted to be able to fix things for him. His pain was worse than her own. She was haunted by his empty eyes and his shaking hands. She remembered how his body felt so small in her arms, his ribs jutting out more than normal, the sunken features of his face. She missed the glint she used to see whenever he would smile at her, the sassy smirks and grins that he saved only for her. She missed his jokes and his sarcasm. 

She’d gone from being alone to having her squad and her son, to falling in love with her best friend and then losing him before they could get anywhere close to serious, and it hurt. She knew what it was like to feel like she had everything, but she also knew what it felt like to have it all ripped away. She found herself typing a text message to him.  _ We need to talk _ . She deleted it; it wasn’t the time for that. She tapped her fingers, biting her lip and thinking about what exactly she wanted to say. She needed to say something. 

The most important thing to Liv was that he knew he was loved. She didn’t want him to think she’d given up on him.  _ I love you. I hope that you’re feeling better. I’m not giving up on you.  _ She felt emotional typing it. She hoped that it might touch him somehow when he got it. When she put her phone down, she put her arms around Noah, shutting her eyes and trying to get some sleep before Hope needed to nurse again. 

……………………………

Liv felt harried. The baby was screaming, and Noah had left his toys all over the floor. She was trying to make her way through the minefield that was her living room, so she could pick up Hope and then answer the door. Rita was coming over to talk about next steps. It was getting closer and closer to Taylor’s trial, and they needed Rafael. Liv hadn’t been so caught up with transitioning from being a mom of one to a mom of two, and she hadn’t so much as sent Rafael a text in months. He hadn’t reached out either though. 

She felt terrible, like she’d abandoned him, but it wasn’t like she didn’t think about him. Noah had been a handful though since Hope was born even though he tried his best to be helpful, and she was so tired, especially as she started going back to work. Her leave was up, and she was returning to SVU which was stressful as hell. Leaving her baby at home was stressful, and trying to acclimate back into the workplace was stressful, and she was so tired. 

When she finally made it to the door, she opened it to see Rita standing there, typing something on her phone. She had files in her hands, and Liv invited her in. Rita looked at Hope in a way that made Liv’s chest ache a little more than usual. “I know the trial is soon,” Liv said. “I’m sorry. I haven’t had the time to talk with Rafael. He doesn’t answer usually.” 

“It’s alright. I know you have his credit card statements. I’ll take those if you don’t mind,” Rita said. “I want to use them.” 

“Sure, take whatever you need. I want Taylor in hell,” Liv said. 

“I know this is difficult,” Rita said softly, and Liv nodded, her eyes slipping shut. 

“Thank you for everything you’re doing,” Liv said. “I really appreciate it.” 

“It’s the least I can do,” Rita said. “Call me if you hear from Rafael.” Liv nodded, bouncing Hope to try and get her to calm down. 

…………………………

Rita was getting off her plane, Rafael’s cell phone records and credit card statements clutched in her hand. Liv had been trying to track him down before, checking up on him when she hadn’t heard much. Rita knew she wanted to know if he was okay or not. They couldn’t risk going to trial without him, and that was Rita’s current excuse for her impromptu trip, but if she was being honest with herself, she couldn’t allow him to stay hiding away when he had a child that he didn’t know about. She knew it would tear him apart inside the longer he was away. It was far past time for him to come home. 

Rita had known Rafael Barba for a long time, and she hadn’t ever seen him in the state he was currently in. It was painful to know her friend was hurting so much. She was going to kick his ass back to New York City where he belonged. She just needed to get it through his thick skull that he needed to let his friends and family support him. He was stubborn, but she was more stubborn. 

Rita wasn’t sure exactly where he was at, but she was determined to find him. She had a general vicinity, and she really should have guessed that he would flee to Miami. It was very typical of him to hole up somewhere tropical with beaches and sun. Rita’s first stop was a little store where his card had been charged repeatedly. She was hoping he was staying at a hotel close to there. He appeared to have paid for his room in cash, but he’d been charging his general shipping to his card. 

She found the store she was looking for, but she decided before she really got into tracking him down, she needed some coffee. There was a Starbucks nearby that she went into, looking at her phone. There was a short line, and she was checking her emails by the time she reached the front of the line. “Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?” The voice sounded familiar, and Rita looked up immediately, blinking. He was looking at the screen, and he definitely hadn’t seen her face yet. 

“Rafael Barba, you son of a bitch.” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. It's a longer one, but I've finally finished it. Hope you all enjoy!

Rita was standing out behind the Starbucks, a coffee in hand. Rafael Barba, clad in a dress shirt and a pair of khakis was leaning against the wall, lighting a cigarette. Rita was concerned. He was so quiet, and he looked exhausted. He had bags under his eyes, and he was much slimmer than he’d been in years. “What the hell are you doing here?” He asked softly. 

“Getting a coffee,” she teased. “Didn’t expect to see your sorry ass behind the counter.” She was hoping for a snarky comment—something to confirm to her that her friend was still buried in there somewhere, but she barely got a ghost of a smile. 

He took another puff from his cigarette, and she pressed her lips together. He had quit smoking after his transfer to Manhattan, and she remembered his snippy attitude and cravings. It had been a hell of a struggle for him, but he’d kicked the habit….until now apparently. 

“Rafael,” she said softly. “I’m here to take you home.” His lips twisted as he let his head rest against the brick of the building. 

“I’m not ready,” he whispered. 

“Yes, you are. You need to come home. Now,” Rita said. 

“Why? I’m a mess, Rita. Look at me,” he said. 

“It’s past time. You need to come home and fix what you broke with Olivia, and you need to help me put away that bastard, Taylor,” she said, looking at him seriously. He refused to meet her eyes though. She saw him stiffen at the mention of the corrections officer. 

“Is Olivia alright?” He asked softly after a few moments, and Rita wanted to tell him right then, but it wasn’t her place. 

“You need to talk to her,” Rita said, and he looked away, his face unreadable. He took another drag from his cigarette. “Rafael, if you ever listen to me, I need it to be now. This is too important. You can come stay with me. We’ll figure it out.” 

“I have to finish my shift,” Rafael said softly. “They’ve been too good to me for me to leave in the middle.” 

“Fine,” Rita said. “I need your ID. I’m going to buy you a plane ticket for tonight.” 

“Okay,” Rafael said, digging his wallet out. He handed it to her. “I have to go back in.” Then he was heading inside, and Rita watched him go, more worried by the second. 

…………………………

Rafael was shaking. He felt more anxious than he’d been in weeks. He had been doing better. Well, better comparatively which wasn’t saying that much if he was being honest with himself, but progress was progress, and he was proud of where he’d managed to get himself. He didn’t feel anywhere close to ready to go back to New York, but there was something about the way Rita was insisting that made him realize he had to go back. 

Liv hadn’t been in contact with him in what felt like forever, and it wasn’t like he was reaching out either, but he was scared. Rafael was scared she was moving on. He was scared to lose her. His chest ached like never before when he thought about going through life without Liv. Before, maybe it would have been a viable, if painful option, but now that he knew what it was like to love her and to be loved in return, he couldn’t go back. 

He was scared to face her because he was still such a disaster. He was a shell of himself. Sure, he was trying his best, but it wasn’t good enough. He didn’t feel ready. Working had been such a good step, and he was proud of what he was able to manage even if it was minimal. They had been willing to work with him at Starbucks which had been relieving. There had been moments where he had to take an impromptu break and go in the back so he wouldn’t fall apart completely. The days when he needed to simply make coffee and not talk to customers, someone else took orders. The days that people yelled at him, and he found himself flashing back, they let him go home when it got to be too much. The worst of it had been when the police officers would come in for their daily coffee. They let him sit in the back until the officers left. 

He felt bad quitting without notice, but now, he was going up to the room, preparing to do something even harder. He needed to say goodbye to Bernard. Rita was following close behind him as he walked down the hall to his room. When he opened the door, Bernard was there, waiting for him. “Hey,” he said. “How was work?” 

“It was okay,” Rafael said, chewing on his lip. He shoved his hands in his pockets. 

“Something you want to talk about?” Bernard asked. “I was going to order dinner.” 

“Yeah,” Rafael said. “We need to talk.” 

“Barba,” Rita said, and he cringed as she came in the room. “That was the airport. We need to get going.” 

“I’m sorry,” Rafael said softly, turning back to Bernard. “I have to go home. Something’s going on with Liv, and….it’s time.” 

“Don’t say sorry,” Bernard said softly, coming closer. “It’s going to be alright. I’m proud of you. Just promise you’ll call if you need anything.” 

“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me,” Rafael whispered, trying not to get too emotional. The amount Bernard had done for him made his chest ache with gratitude. He still didn’t really understand why, but he knew he wouldn’t be anywhere close to where he was without without the other man. “I--I wouldn’t be here without you. I promise I’ll call.” 

“Sounds like a plan,” Bernard said. Rafael took a shaky breath, hesitating a moment before forcing himself forward to hug Bernard. He could only tolerate the physical contact for a few moments, but it was worth it to him even if he felt like he was going to crawl out of his own skin afterwards. “I’ll help you pack, come on.” Rafael nodded. They made quick work of his belongings, and then he was following Rita down to a car, feeling so sick to his stomach. He was really going back to New York. 

……………………………

Rafael was standing in Rita’s guest room, unsure of what to do with himself. He had spent his time unpacking clothes and trying to keep busy. He needed to keep himself occupied because he had this tight ball of panic that had coiled up in his chest since they landed in New York. Rita had shot him a few concerned looks when he pulled his hood up after they exited the plane, keeping his head down as he followed her carefully. He had been on the lookout for police cars or lights, afraid to fall more than a few steps behind Rita. The car hadn’t assuaged much of his fear. He’d been terrified until they reached the relative safety of her apartment. 

Even sitting on his bed, in her apartment, he didn’t truly feel safe. He was shaking no matter how much he tried to stop, and he pulled his knees up against his chest. He thought about Liv and about how much he just wanted to run to her, but he was terrified. He was scared she had moved on. He hadn’t heard anything from her in so long, and his stomach clenched uncomfortably at the thought of her with another person. It would probably be for the better anyways though. He certainly didn’t deserve her love after what he’d done. 

“What do you want for dinner?” Rita’s voice startled him, and he jumped, his heart leaping into his throat. 

He took a moment to try and get a handle on himself even though he felt harried and upset. “I--I don’t care,” he whispered. “Scotch. I’d like some scotch.” 

Rita stood there for a few moments, clearly unsure of how to respond. “Okay…I’ll get on that.” She disappeared, and he was doing his best to stop panicking. He groped around beside the bed until he found his pack of cigarettes, heading out to the balcony. Rita was on the phone in the kitchen, ordering something for them to eat. He smoked the rest of the pack, sitting out there in the dark on his own. He usually managed to find some self control after five, but he had none. Rita came outside as he was finishing his last cigarette. “Food will be here soon,” she said. He nodded, looking forlornly at his empty pack. 

“I’m out,” he whispered, toying with his lighter. His chest still felt tight, and he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do. It seemed that Rita didn’t know what to say either. He crossed his arms, trying to protect himself. 

“If you come inside, I’ll get you some of that scotch,” Rita said softly. He took a second, looking out across the city scape, breathing deeply and trying to calm down, but he was feeling lightheaded and anxious. 

“Okay,” he finally said, pushing himself up to his feet and following behind her. He took the glass, bringing it up to his lips and taking a big swallow, his throat burning. He finished it and immediately poured himself another glass. It was one of those nights where all he wanted to do was get nice and drunk and forget everything, and he didn’t have the willpower to deny himself. He sat on Rita’s couch and swallowed down his scotch. He ate a little bit of chinese food when it arrived between his fourth and fifth glass. 

He was well past drunk, but he didn’t care. It numbed him a little bit to the storm of emotions that was ravaging his mind. He wouldn’t complain about drinking until he passed out because he wasn’t sure he would be able to sleep otherwise. 

………………………………………..

Rafael was just getting out of the shower. He wasn’t even sure exactly how long he’d been in there, but it had been his longest one in awhile. He felt so unclean, and he couldn’t stop thinking about how dirty he was. He didn’t feel like he could possibly get clean ever. He had a towel wrapped around his waist as he walked to the guest room, fighting with himself. He wanted to go get a pack of cigarettes, but he couldn’t bear to leave the house. He’d been up all hours of the night, trying his best to stop panicking as he heard police sirens outside. 

He had thought things would get better, but they just kept getting worse and worse. He was completely miserable to the point where he couldn’t face Liv. Rita wouldn’t stop nudging him to do it, but he didn’t feel like he could. He felt like a complete and utter disappointment, and he wasn’t sure he was capable of being what Olivia deserved any more. 

His head was pounding. He pinched the bridge of his nose, facing the bed and trying to figure out what to do. He needed to find something to wear, and he needed to do  _ something _ . He was tired of sitting around and being useless. He pulled out a pair of boxer briefs from his bag, putting them on and pulling the towel up to dry his hair. He needed to drink some water and take some medicine, but he was more in the mood to drink some scotch. 

“Barba, I need to talk to you about something.” Rita’s voice startled him and he jumped, banging into the corner post of the bed, knocking the wind out of himself. The ache took him back to his cell when he was curled up on the floor, taking a few swift kicks to the abdomen for daring to fight back. No matter how much it hurt, he couldn’t just lay there and take it; he could never look in the mirror at himself when he froze. At least when he was bloodied and bruised, he could know that he tried  _ something _ . “Rafael? Rafael….it’s Rita.” 

He was startled back to the present by her voice, and it took him a moment to realize he was on the floor, Rita kneeling beside him. His chest felt so tight like he couldn’t breathe. He covered his face, hating the warm tears that filled his eyes. She was next to him suddenly, and he buried his face in her shirt, unable to help himself. He was sobbing, and he felt her hesitantly start to rub his back. “Shh,” Rita whispered, and he wanted to tell her he was sorry, but he couldn’t find his voice. All he could do was cry, and he hated himself for it. 

……………………….

Olivia was exhausted. She’d been up half the night with Hope who was fussy, and Noah had passed out in her bed, not wanting to leave her side. He loved to hold Hope whenever she let him, and sometimes she had to get him to relax a little bit with the baby. He took being a big brother very seriously, and she loved it, but sometimes, he went a little bit too far. 

Lucy had walked him to school for her because she had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for Hope. It was only a check up, but Liv was a little nervous. She always was nervous before appointments, especially after some of the difficulties Noah had at first, but Hope had been fairly healthy since the beginning. She’d been born a bit early, but they had discharged her quickly from the NICU when she had no persistent issues which Liv had been grateful for.

She was pushing Hope in a stroller, walking down the street when someone ran right into her. It took Liv a moment to regain her bearings. “I-I’m sorry.” The man’s voice was familiar, and Liv straightened, finally looking at him. The sight of him almost took her feet out from under her. For just a moment, Liv thought she was imagining him. She’d done it before, but blinking didn’t make any difference. He hadn’t looked up yet. He was staring at his feet actually, and Liv threw her arms around him. 

“Rafa,” she whispered. He tensed up immediately, frozen and stiff, and she almost let him go, afraid she was going to make him panic, but after a moment, he relaxed into her, pressing his face against her neck, and she couldn’t hold back the tears. 

“Liv,” he whispered, his voice breaking. She squeezed him closer. His body felt small and fragile in her arms. He was so skinny, not the solid man she was used to hugging. His face had been dark. He looked exhausted, and her heart ached. She just kept thinking to herself that he was safe and it was like waves of relief coursing through her body. He was safe. She almost didn’t want to let him go; he was clinging, and she couldn’t help but just breathe him in. He smelled like himself still, albeit under the smell of smoke that made her pause, but she didn’t want to question him at the moment. She just wanted to hold him and never let him go again. She finally let go of him, and he looked so lost. His eyes were dull, his hands stuffed in his pockets. She saw his gaze flick to the stroller, and her heart clenched. She couldn’t tell him yet--not while they were out in public. He needed to be somewhere where he could process the mess she was about to throw at him. 

“Where have you been?” she asked. “I missed you.” 

“Um…” he paused, staring at her dumbly before glancing at the stroller again. He shook his head. “Miami. I was….I needed some time.” 

“How long have you been back?” Liv asked, her pain from the last few months coming back. She didn’t want to get her hopes up again only to have him disappear once more. 

“Not that long,” he said softly. “Rita dragged me back.” He shifted, twitching a little bit as she looked at him. He wouldn’t meet her eyes and that was jarring. She was so used to looking into them, studying that beautiful green, but they were focused on the ground. He looked rough the more she looked at him; he was wearing sweatpants and a stained shirt, his hair a wreck. There were dark bags under his eyes, and his face looked sunken. He was basically skin and bones, and she was worried. 

She wanted to know why Rita hadn’t called her right away. She could have seen him sooner. She could have told him sooner, but somehow she wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. He was fragile. That was becoming very apparent. He kept peeking at the stroller, and she hoped he wouldn’t ask yet. She was nervous to tell him, her stomach doing flips. She needed him to react well. She needed him to somehow be okay. 

“I have an appointment, but um...I’d like it if you’d come with,” Liv said, looking at him. He smiled a little bit, but he looked sad. 

“Okay,” he whispered. She was about to start walking again when he took a step forward, grabbing her. He pulled her close for just a moment. “Liv,” he whispered. “I missed you too.” 

…………………………………

Rafael followed Liv into her apartment. He had no idea how he’d gotten here, but he was itching for a cigarette. He’d been quiet for most of the day, unsure of what to say. He felt lost and like he didn’t belong, but somehow, he felt better than he had in months. Just being around Liv was comforting in itself. She made him feel better. He couldn’t stop looking at her baby. If he was being honest, he hadn’t really been listening during the doctor’s appointment. He couldn’t stop worrying about where she got a baby in the time that he’d been gone. Had she adopted again? Did she move on without him? 

When he thought about the possibility, he felt this tight panic deep in his gut. He hated himself. He’d blown the whole thing. When he had disappeared to find himself, he’d abandoned the only thing that really mattered, and now it was gone. He couldn’t expect her to accept him back into their family. Not again. She’d already opened it up to him once, and then he’d left. 

He wanted to cry even thinking about it. His hands were shaking. He excused himself from the room, trying desperately to find a distraction. He needed to smoke. That’s the whole reason he’d been out of the house anyways--he was buying a pack of cigarettes. They were stuffed in his pocket along with his lighter, but he felt pathetic. Olivia was not supposed to know that he was smoking again. He felt like a complete and utter failure when he thought about her finding out. She had been so damn proud of him when he quit, and now, he was a mess, and he felt like a complete piece of shit. 

He couldn’t contain himself though, so he told Liv he was going outside for some air, but he promised to come back when he was done. She seemed like she didn’t want him to go, and he didn’t understand why she even wanted to see him at all. He didn’t deserve her love. He leaned against her building, lighting the first cigarette from the pack, and he was so grateful. His whole body relaxed. 

He was thrumming with anxiety, but the familiar sensations and motions of smoking comforted him. He couldn’t remember ever being so on edge. Even in prison, it was a different type of anxiety. That had been pure fear. He’d been on high alert for so damn long, but this...this was horrifying. It was an ache, a hole, a feeling of loss. He was grieving for the love that he’d lost, the family he’d lost, and the pieces of himself that were gone. 

Rafael was sure Liv was hurting as well. He shouldn’t have ever left her. In a way, he knew he never would have survived if he would have stayed. He would have offed himself when he was still fragile. He snorted a little bit, taking another puff from the cigarette. He was fragile now. He couldn’t deny that he was better though. He wasn’t almost dying from malnutrition or dehydration or an untreated infection. 

He finished his cigarette, going back upstairs. Liv seemed to sigh in relief when he came back inside. She picked the baby up out of the stroller, and he prepared himself to ask about her. He really wanted to know. “Can you hold her for a second?” Liv asked him, and he swallowed heavily. 

“I—I….okay,” he whispered, taking the baby. She started to fold the stroller up and he awkwardly held the little girl. The baby looked at him with big, curious green eyes and his chest ached a little bit. Her eyes reminded him of his own. He thought she looked a lot like what he would have imagined his own child would. “She’s beautiful,” he whispered, pulling her closer. She smiled a big smile, grabbing a handful of his shirt. 

“Thanks,” Liv said, smiling at him as she finished up with the stroller. 

“How old is she?” He asked. 

“About 6 months,” Liv said. There was this look in her eyes that made him squirm. He stroked his fingers through the baby’s hair. 

“And you said her name is Hope, right?” He asked. 

“That’s right,” Liv said. “You wanna keep holding her or do you want me to take her?” 

“I’ve got her, if that’s okay,” he said softly. There was something about holding her, about the way she smiled that made him feel a little bit lighter. His chest was aching, wishing he was still a part of this family. Maybe he still could be. He could only hope. 

“I’m going to get her a bottle,” Liv said, rubbing his arm for a moment. He hated that he flinched, and he knew she noticed. He spent the time that Liv was in the kitchen looking down at the beautiful baby. Somehow, he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. “Do you want to feed her?” Liv asked, and he nodded, taking the bottle from her. 

“How do I….how?” he asked. Liv smiled at him, a familiar gesture that was comforting.

“Just support her, like this,” Liv said, adjusting his arms. He adjusted, pressing the bottle to her lips, and she started drinking the milk.

“So….” he whispered. “You adopted again?” He was scared to hear the answer even though the only logical one was yes. 

Liv was quiet for a moment. “If you can wait until she’s asleep, I’ll tell you everything,” she said. That worried him even more. His stomach was clenching, and it felt like his heart was leaping into his throat. He nodded though, focusing on feeding the baby. 

“How’s Noah?” he asked softly. He missed the little boy so much. He’d thought about Noah almost every day, thinking of all the baseball games he missed and all the school projects. That was almost what hurt him the most--missing out on his kid’s life. He knew Noah technically wasn’t his son yet, but they had plans in place for Rafael to adopt him eventually, and it felt like Noah was his son when he helped with spelling homework and read him books on the nights he stayed over. 

“He’s okay. He likes being a big brother,” Liv said. “He quit baseball.” Rafael smiled a little bit. Before he’d been arrested, Noah had come to him one night, asking if he thought it would be okay if he didn’t want to play baseball anymore. Rafael had sat down with him, and they had talked all about it. Rafael had encouraged him to tell his mother how he felt. “He’s dancing now.” That warmed his heart. Noah had been scared, but Rafael had told him that boys could do whatever they wanted. Dancing was for everyone. Noah had especially liked his stories about going to see musicals. Rafael was just glad to know that he’d been brave enough to try. 

“I’m glad to hear he’s doing well. I’ve missed him,” Rafael said softly. He was quiet after that, stuck in his own thoughts, and it wasn’t long before the baby fell asleep. He handed her off to Liv who disappeared back into the apartment for a little while. When she came back, she sat beside him on the couch, facing him. She looked nervous which made him nervous in turn. 

“Do you want some water or anything?” Liv asked. He shook his head. He just wanted to know. “Okay….” she paused. “Rafael, I didn’t adopt Hope,” she said. He felt like he was going to throw up. If she wasn’t adopted….who had Liv been sleeping with since he left? Maybe Hope already had a dad. Maybe there wasn’t still room for him after all. “Honey, she’s yours.” 

“What?” he asked. He was sure that he’d blacked out for a minute or something. Liv definitely hadn’t just said that Hope was his. 

“She’s your daughter, Rafael,” Liv said. “The conjugal visits--I found out I was pregnant, but you were a mess, and I was going to tell you when I picked you up, but then you were gone.” His chest felt tight, and the room was spinning. He staggered up to his feet, trying to get some air into his lungs. He was sure that he couldn’t be hearing Olivia correctly, but at the same time, he knew he was. “Rafa,” Liv said. “Please breathe.” 

“Fuck,” he whispered, “Holy fucking shit.” He felt dizzy. His back hit the wall. 

“Rafael,” Liv said, but all he could hear was white noise. 

“I--I need air,” he whispered. He was gasping, pulling at the neckline of his tee shirt. He felt like he was suffocating. Liv gently took ahold of him, cupping his cheek and guiding his face so he would look at her. He jerked away though, and Liv could see him visibly trembling. “I’m going to go. I need to….I need to think.” 

“Rafa.” Liv’s voice was harsher than she intended it to be. She grabbed his wrist, and he yanked away, eyes wide. He looked terrified. “Sorry, sorry,” she said, holding her hands up in an effort to calm him. “Just, I need you to promise me you’ll come back. Please.” 

He felt a stab of guilt through the panic he was trying to stave off. He couldn’t say no. He owed her that much. “I promise,” he said, squeezing her hand for a second before leaving the apartment. His whole world was upside down once more. 

………………………………………

Liv felt like she was going to lose it. Rafael had reacted worse than she had imagined, and she didn’t blame him; she’d dropped a bomb, and he was trying to cope. She paced for awhile before deciding to call Rita. She had to know where he was staying if she was the one who had dragged him back to New York. Olivia was furious with the other woman for bringing him home and not bothering to tell her, but finding out where the hell her husband disappeared to was her number one priority. 

“Benson, hey,” Rita said, sounding distracted. “I’m actually working on Rafael’s case right now. The city is interested in discussing a settlement. I’m going to hear them out.” 

“Is Rafael back in New York?” Liv didn’t waste any time. There was a beat of silence from the other end. 

“Yes,” Rita finally admitted. “He’s been trying to adjust. I’ve been trying to encourage him to speak with you, but he’s struggling.” 

“Rita,” Liv said. “I’ve been worried sick.” 

“I’m sorry. He wasn’t ready,” she said. 

“I saw him today. I told him,” Liv said. 

“Is he still with you?” Rita asked, sounding worried. 

“He left,” Liv said, itching to go out and find him herself, but there was no one to watch Hope, and he wanted space. It felt like all she’d given him was space for months, and all she wanted was to hug him tight to herself, so tight that he couldn’t leave her again. “I need you to tell me if you hear from him.” 

“He’s been crashing at my apartment,” Rita said. “I’ll head home and let you know if he’s there.” 

“Thank you,” Liv said, her heart aching with worry. She couldn’t lose him again, not when he’d just come back. She wanted to find a way to be everything he needed—the strength, the support, and the love that he deserved, but she was terrified. She couldn’t take another knock. She couldn’t go through losing him again, so she was feeling cautious, shielding herself the best she could. 

Not only did she feel the urge to protect herself, but she needed to protect her son. Noah had been hurt by Rafael’s absence, and she needed to shield him from any further turmoil. She needed Rafael to come home, but she also needed it to be for good. 

Everything was so tangled up and complicated that she almost didn’t know where to start. She needed him home, but she was scared. She wanted Noah to forgive him, but she couldn’t let her son be hurt further. They had a baby girl who deserved to know her wonderful father, but she had no idea if Rafael even wanted that. 

She paced and worried, checking her phone over and over again. When Rita called to let her know he hadn’t gone back to the apartment, she spent twenty minutes sobbing as she curled up in a ball on the couch. 

……………………………

Rafael was wandering. He felt aimless, his brain a void of white noise and panic. He had a daughter—a child he hadn’t known about, and she was beautiful. She was a part of him, a part of Olivia, and she deserved so much better than him. 

He was a swirling mess of fear and pain, emotions that he certainly wasn’t a stranger to, but they were difficult to process all the same. His chest ached when he thought about missing her birth, about missing the first part of her life. 

He was angry. The unwelcome stab of hurt and betrayal was swirling around under the surface, picking up its pace as it mingled with the fear and the terror. Anger had this tendency to be all encompassing, overwhelming and snuffing out all other emotions even if it was only temporary. Anger made a great defense mechanism, but it had been so fleeting since his ordeal. He had wanted it more than anything, but although it came in small bursts, it was never enough to hang onto, never enough to cover up the hurt. The pain of his wounds, both emotional and physical, always found their way through the anger in the end despite his best efforts to cling to the rage. 

Anger at Olivia wasn’t the type he wanted to hold on to, but he was angry with her all the same. How could she neglect to tell him this? How could she allow him to miss so much? Why hadn’t she just said something. He would have gathered the broken pieces of himself, and he would have made them fit together the best he could. He wouldn’t have left her to deal with it on her own. He wouldn’t have stayed away for so long. 

He didn’t even know where he was going. He was so upset, he could barely focus, and he was trying to stay away from big crowds of people. No matter how much he tried to desensitize himself, he couldn’t handle being around people he didn’t know for very long, and being touched would send him into an absolute panic. 

He somehow ended up outside of his apartment building. He didn’t have the keys—Olivia had them along with half of his belongings. His doorman knew him though, even after all this time, and despite the surprise that was clearly written on the man’s face, he seemed pleased to see Rafael. He allowed him inside the building, and Rafael found himself making the trek up to the roof. 

The familiarity of it both comforted him and sent a pang of regret through his body. How many more nights could he have spent up here with Olivia if things hadn’t gone to shit so spectacularly? 

He might have spent hours kissing over her swollen belly, sitting under the stars and talking about baby names. He supposed that it was possible he wouldn’t have a daughter at all had he not ended up in that prison. The thought of little Hope brought on unidentifiable feelings. There was no doubt that she intimidated the hell out of him and he was sorting through so much, but there was a twinge of pride inside of him. They made her together, and she was gorgeous. Not all his emotions were bad, and he was trying to untangle the different feelings from one another so he could adequately assess how to respond. 

It was hard to cope when everything else in his life felt like an absolute disaster. He had trouble not catastrophizing everything, but he was trying his best to not spiral. It was just starting to get dark out, and he was grateful. He wanted to look up at the night sky and find some sort of comfort. He had a bottle of scotch that he had picked up during his wandering. He was planning on smoking his pack of cigarettes and getting himself nice and fucked up so he could get some sleep later and hopefully find some perspective in the morning. 

He swallowed down a mouthful of scotch, lighting himself a cigarette. It was warm enough that he was comfortable. He finished smoking, gulping down more scotch and looking up at the twinkling lights in the sky. 

He knew his phone was ringing, but he was ignoring it. He didn’t want to talk. He wanted to stew and think and try to figure out how to proceed. He ached when he thought about Liv going through a pregnancy alone. It wasn’t fair. He didn’t even get the chance to support her, to prepare himself and help her prepare. He knew she was far more than capable of handling herself, but he didn’t like the thought of being the reason she had to deal with a stressful situation all on her own. 

He felt like a total deadbeat—a failure of a father. He was absent for the first part of her life, and he could never get that back. He felt like there was this twisted up ball of anger and unease in his stomach and he couldn’t get rid of it. He was trying to drink it away or smoke until he could relax, but it wasn’t working. 

“Fuck,” he whispered, staggering up to his feet and stumbling around. He started pacing, sipping more scotch as he walked. He knew that he’d drank too much already, but he didn’t feel like he had any control over himself. He couldn’t comprehend the fact that he had a daughter. He felt like his skin was too tight, like he was off balance, like everything was wrong, but somehow, he knew he wanted to know his daughter. 

There was an urge to flee, but it wasn’t an urge that overwhelmed him, not like the last time. He’d already missed out on so much, and he wanted to know her. Somehow, there had been this feeling of safety and security when he held his baby. He couldn’t stand being touched, but she was safe. She was human contact. She loved unconditionally, and somehow, he thought that he loved her already. He definitely wanted to. 

Once he’d drained his first bottle, he pulled out his phone, trying to make sense of the names on the screen. Somehow, he found Rita’s name even through his drunken haze, and he pulled the phone up to his ear, briefly wondering if he was going to vomit. His vision was swimming. He’d burned his way through his pack of cigarettes as he drank. Maybe Rita would stop and get him more. 

The phone rang for a few moments before she picked up. “Rafael? Where the hell are you?” She asked. She sounded tired. 

“Come get me,” he mumbled.

“Are you drunk? Where?” She asked again. He told her. He sat down then, waiting for her to come collect him. He knew if he tried getting downstairs himself, he’d probably slip and fall. “Get up,” Rita’s voice was gentle when she finally appeared, and she took his arm, helping him. He hung onto her, especially as they went down the stairs. She managed to get him safely in the car, and he sat there for a few moments, stewing until he couldn’t hold it in anymore. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He said, feeling more sober by the minute. His anger cut through the haze. She looked at him, but he knew she knew exactly what he meant. 

“It wasn’t my place,” she said. 

“I thought you were my friend. You could have texted me. You could have sat me down and told me gently. I missed out on months of my daughter’s life because you didn’t tell me,” he said. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, and he looked straight forward, trying to fight the pounding headache that was setting in behind his eyes. 

When he made it back to her apartment, he went and collapsed into bed, needing time alone. 

……….

Liv was a nervous wreck. She had been pacing and worrying for hours. She wanted to know that Rafael was safe. Hope was thankfully asleep, and Noah had been nervously staying by her side all evening. He could certainly feel her unease. 

She was trying to distract him with a movie, not mentioning the return of Uncle Rafa until she knew he wasn’t gone again. He hadn’t answered his phone since fleeing her apartment. She also hadn’t heard a word from Rita about his location. She just kept trying to calm herself with deep breathing. Noah looked over as her phone rang and she scrambled to answer it. “Hello?” she asked. 

“Liv, it’s Rita. I found him. He’s sleeping right now.” Liv sighed in relief. “He’s pissed at me. He didn’t say much else after he chewed me out.” 

“I’m sorry,” Liv said. 

“It’s fine. He’s said worse,” Rita said. “I’ll keep an eye on him tonight. See how he’s feeling in the morning.” 

“Thank you,” Liv said softly. Once she hung up, she could feel Noah looking at her, and she turned. “Hey,” she said softly. 

“Hi,” Noah mumbled. “Who are you talking about?” 

“Honey,” Liv said, taking a seat on the couch beside him. “Uncle Rafa is back.” She expected Noah to be upset, but the anger she saw in his eyes made her heart drop. 

“Why?” he asked. “I don’t want him here.” 

“Noah,” Liv said. “He wants to meet Hope. He’s hurt right now. It’s okay to be upset, but I need you to try and be kind to him.” 

Noah’s face twisted up into a scowl. He stood up and stomped back to his room, and Liv shook her head, pinching the bridge of her nose to ward off a headache. 

………………………………

Liv was bouncing Hope when the doorbell rang. She sighed tiredly, going to open it. Noah was still brooding around in his bedroom. She opened the door, stepping back when she saw Rafael. He was clean shaven and cleaned up, his hair damp, dressed in nice jeans and a button down. He had a wrapped present in his arms, a bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear. He was also holding onto a bag. “Rafa,” she said, so grateful that he came back at all. “I’m so glad to see you. Come in.” 

He looked nervous, his body strung tight. He was twitching. “I brought...um….these are for you.” He held out the bouquet of lilies. Liv felt her chest swell with warmth. 

“Thank you,” she said softly. Shifting Hope so she was perched on her hip, freeing up a hand to take the flowers from him. She appreciated the obvious effort he’d made to look nice. It reminded her of the man who she had married. She knew that was just his outside appearance though. 

He thrust a present out at her awkwardly. “For Noah,” he said softly. And then he kinda waved the teddy bear and gestured toward the bag. “For Hope.” 

“Thank you,” Liv said. “Here, come sit down.” She gently touched his arm, setting the flowers down by the door as she ushered him into the living room. He jerked away from her touch. Liv’s heart clenched. Rafael took a seat on the couch, his eyes scanning the room. “Can I get you a drink?” 

“Um, can I have some water?” He asked. His hands were clenching and unclenching as he sat there, a bag of gifts for Hope beside him along with the little teddy bear. 

“Of course. Would you like to hold her?” She asked, watching his face carefully. 

He swallowed, and his voice was small when he answered. “Yes, please.” Liv eased Hope into his arms, helping him adjust. He looked terrified, his eyes big and wide, but he seemed to relax a little bit as he settled into holding her. 

“Hi,” he whispered. She seemed to perk up in his arms, smiling, and Liv was glad. Hope could be incredibly fussy, and she wanted Rafael to have a good first experience holding his daughter. Liv rubbed his back. 

“She likes you,” she said softly, and his lips curled up into a smile. He shifted away from her touch slightly, so she pulled her hand back. Her heart ached every time he pulled away from her, but she tried not to take it too personally. “Hopey,” she said softly, looking at her daughter with a smile. 

“Hi, Hope,” Rafael said. “I’m Uncle Rafa.”

“No,” Liv said gently, and he looked back at her, eyes wide. “Hope, this is your Daddy.” When she looked back at him, his eyes were shiny with tears. Hope looked content to grab fistfuls of his sweater, getting her slobber all over his clothes. 

“Da,” Hope said, startling Liv. She had been babbling a lot recently, copying sounds she heard. She definitely wasn’t using real words, but she was working her way there. 

“Yes,” Liv said. “Daddy.” 

“Da,” Hope said again, and Liv squeezed Rafael’s shoulder. 

“I’ll leave you two alone for a minute. Be back with that water,” she said. She was guilty of spying on him with their daughter—it wasn’t like she had to be sneaky about it with the way her living room and kitchen connected, but she definitely lingered longer than necessary while she filled a glass and surveyed dinner options should Rafael agree to stay and eat. 

She had this urge to settle back into the ease of their relationship. She wanted to baby him and love him and patch him up until he resembled the man she knew, but she was hurting still. Losing him, albeit briefly in the grand scheme of things, had been incredibly painful for her. She had spent too many nights crying over him and for him, wishing he was with her, wishing that she knew he was safe. It had been almost too much to bear. 

Now, he was holding their daughter, and she felt this warm elation. She just needed to ensure that she didn’t let her emotions trick her into a risky vulnerability. She couldn’t allow herself to be hurt like that again. Her heart couldn’t take more loss. She had Noah and Hope, and things were difficult, but they were okay, and she wouldn’t trade her family for anything despite the pain.

Liv couldn’t say that she didn’t love the idea of having someone there to help her. Hope was a lot. It was almost too much sometimes, especially when Noah needed her too. Hope was fussy and exhausting, and she missed Rafael desperately when she thought about what parenting would be like with him at her side. He had always been the perfect partner for her, pushing when necessary, and backing off at the right times. They complemented each other like no one else. He knew when to tell her she was going too far, but he also knew when to support her, and she knew how to do the same depending on his needs.

She took a breath, stealing herself to return to him. He seemed intimidated yet interested in Hope. He was still holding her, in his lap now as he sat on the couch. She was leaning into him, her hands bunched up in the red sweater that was over top of his button down. “Here’s the water,” she said gently, but he didn’t say much of anything. He just looked at Hope and stroked his hand over her soft hair. “Do you want to watch some tv?” She asked. He just shrugged. She turned something on anyways needing something to focus on.

Liv kept peeking over at Rafael but he wasn't doing much. He wasn’t talking or watching the tv. He was off. She could tell so many things were wrong simply by looking at him. He was slumped which was incredibly unusual. He usually had annoyingly good posture. He was obviously exhausted, dark bags under his eyes. The kind that appeared after multiple sleepless nights in a row. His hands were shaking, just slightly, but enough that it was noticeable. She just wanted to pull him into her arms and promise him that everything was okay now. “Rafa,” she said gently. He looked at her, but it wasn’t the warm gaze she was used to. He looked blank and cold. His green eyes looked haunted and bare all at the same time. “You look tired. Do you want to take a nap? I can get you a pillow.” He shook his head, rubbing Hope’s back. 

“I never thought I would have a kid,” he said softly. “A biological one.” They had been knee deep into a relationship, where Noah could possibly be his son, but she knew exactly what he meant. 

“I felt the same way,” Liv said, reaching over and patting his thigh. He was tense. “You’re great with her though. She’s usually fussier than this.” He quirked a smile which made her smile in turn. It was quiet then, Rafael playing with Hope, letting her grab ahold of his fingers. She was riveted by the emotions that flashed across his face as he interacted with his daughter. 

She saw him start to get emotional, and in the past, he would have wanted physical contact--her support, but she wasn’t so sure that would help at the moment. He shifted, gathering Hope up close against his chest. “I-I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice breaking. He kissed the top of her head, shutting his eyes, and Liv felt herself tearing up. “I’m here. I’m sorry.” He was whispering, but Liv could just make out what he was saying. She felt guilt and pain listening to him hurt over his absence from her daughter’s life and their life as a family. 

She wanted desperately to reach for him, but she couldn’t. She didn't think he was ready. He took a few moments, quietly composing himself after that, and she left him alone with Hope for a little while. She took Noah’s present back to his bedroom, wanting to give it to him in private so he couldn’t hurt Rafael’s feelings. 

Noah was sitting on his bed. “I have something for you,” she said. He looked up. “It’s from Uncle Rafa.” 

He looked back down. “I don’t want it.” 

“Noah,” she said softly. He didn’t say anything back. Liv didn’t want to push him too hard. She wanted to him feel the way he felt, but she did think he was being unfair. She just wished that she knew how to explain everything to him. “I’m going to leave it here for you in case you want it later.” 

“Whatever,” Noah mumbled. Liv had a headache. She headed toward the living room once more, thinking about ordering something to eat. Rafael was on the floor, and Hope was dragging herself around a little bit with her arms. She was starting to become more and more mobile, and Liv couldn’t believe how quickly she was growing. 

“Hungry?” Liv asked, coming to sit beside Rafael, but he flinched simply at the sound of her voice. His body language was startling. He was making himself as small as possible, but he seemed content to watch Hope. Every few moments, he would reach out and rub her back or stroke her soft hair. Liv watched the way his hand shook as he reached his arm towards their daughter. “Rafa, do you want food?” she asked again, trying to keep her tone soft and gentle. 

He shrugged. Liv sighed realizing that she needed to make a decision because he wasn’t going to. It wasn’t hard to think of something that they could eat that he at least used to love. She thought that was her best bet of getting him to eat. He was so thin, and it was painful to see. It seemed like he was only skin and bones instead of that solid, strong man that she knew. 

“I’m going to order some food,” Liv said, giving him some space to spend time with Hope. 

She called for delivery, watching Rafael carefully the whole time. She was afraid that she’d look away and he’d be gone again, maybe for good. 

When the food arrived, he jumped at the sound of the doorbell, and Liv thought he was going to run. He tensed, excusing himself from the room. Liv answered the door, paying for the food and scooping Hope up into arms after setting the take out on the counter. She went to look for Rafael. The bathroom door was closed, and the light was on; she knocked. “Rafa?” She called. “The food is here. You wanna come out?” 

“I—In a minute.” His voice was soft. Liv moved to give him space. She started to warm a bottle up for Hope, pulling out Noah’s food from the take out bag. Her son appeared after a few moments, peeking out of the hallway. 

“Is he gone?” Noah asked, eyes narrowed. 

“No,” Liv said. “Are you hungry? Dinner is here.” 

“I guess,” Noah said. He was pouting. Liv set him up at the table with his food, testing the temperature of Hope’s bottle so she could feed her. 

She heard the bathroom door open, and Rafael slowly appeared, and he was shaking. “Hey,” she said softly, trying to keep him calm. He swallowed heavily, his gaze landing on Noah. 

“Hey, Noah,” he said softly. Noah didn’t respond, angrily stabbing his food with a fork. Liv didn’t want Rafael under too much stress, especially not when she knew Noah was going to be hostile. This was supposed to be Rafael’s opportunity to get to know his daughter in a safe environment. 

“Noah, baby, come with me,” she said. She turned to Rafael. “Can you hold her for a few minutes, I’ll be right back.” He nodded, taking the baby into his arms. 

Liv walked Noah back to his bedroom, bringing his food along. She sat him down on the bed. “Noah. I need you to do your best to be nice to Uncle Rafa. I know that you’re upset. It’s okay to feel that way, but right now, can you try to be kind?” Noah shrugged. “For tonight, let’s put a movie on. You can eat in here, and we’ll talk more later. Okay?” Noah nodded, and Liv helped him turn a movie on. 

When she returned to the living room, Rafael was seated at the table, holding Hope, but he looked lost. He stood, running a nervous hand through his hair. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” he said softly. He still wasn’t meeting her eyes. “I should go.” 

“No,” Liv said, instinctively putting a hand on his shoulder. He flinched, jerking away almost violently. “Rafa, don’t go. Noah needs some space right now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be here. I’d like to talk to you once I get Hope down.” He hesitated. 

“Okay,” he finally said. “But um, I am going to step out for a few minutes. I need some air.” Liv nodded, taking Hope and watching him disappear out the door. He was gone for fifteen minutes, and she was considering going after him when he finally appeared. She offered to let him hold Hope, but he declined, sitting with a cushion between them on the couch. He was chewing gum now, and Liv had a sinking feeling in her gut. She wanted to ask him, to talk to him about it, but she was afraid to push too hard and scare him away. She was afraid to get herself in too deep and have him run once more. She couldn’t go through that. 

“Do you want your dinner?” She asked him gently. He shrugged. He was looking at his shoes. Liv was fighting herself; she wanted to pull him close. She put the food on the coffee table in front of him instead, and after a few moments, he did reach for it. He pulled the lid from the take out container, pushing food around with a fork. Liv had the tv on, and he seemed to be watching it absently. He was silent, and he wasn’t really eating save for a few small bites. Hope was happily sitting upright on the couch, shaking toy keys, and Liv watched Rafael as Hope turned onto her belly and reached a hand out to touch him. 

Liv saw him tense; in fact, his whole body stiffened before he relaxed. He looked at their daughter, and Liv felt this warmth in her chest. Hope grabbed ahold of Rafael’s pants dragging herself forward and half into his lap. He stared at her before setting down his food, and a Liv wished he would eat, but she didn’t want to interrupt. He rubbed Hope’s back hesitantly. “Hi,” he whispered. He eventually gave in and scooped Hope up, letting her sit in his lap. She was still shaking her toy keys happily, and Liv couldn’t believe how quickly she warmed up to him. Her heart felt like it was starting to stitch itself back together. 

……………………….

When Liv put Hope down, Rafael was still sitting on the couch, looking small. He hadn’t spoken much at all, sitting on the couch contentedly, holding Hope as he watched whatever she put on the tv. Liv sat beside him when she returned to the couch. “Hey,” she said. He looked up at her, and the glimpse of his green eyes made her happy even though he looked down once more after a beat. “Rafael, I missed you. I want to figure out how this is going to work now because I want you here.” 

“What do you want me to do?” He asked softly. Everything about this situation broke her heart, but seeing how much he was trying for her and for their daughter gave her hope that maybe things could return to a sort of normal with time. She was afraid of that hope, afraid it would be dashed. 

“I want you to be able to know her,” Liv said softly. “I know things are difficult right now, and I understand that. We have a lot of things to talk about and figure out. I just want to take this one step at a time.” 

He nodded. Liv wished he would talk to her. She wanted to hear his opinion, to hear what he wanted, but she knew he was getting overwhelmed, so she decided to lay out her own needs for him. He would know her stance, and then, they could take things easy. She didn’t want to berate him, but she needed him to know that he couldn’t run again. He needed to communicate with her. “Raf,” Liv said, and he looked at her again. “I want you to know that you are welcome here to see Hope whenever you’d like. No matter what.” His eyes filled with tears, and he looked away. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “I do….I do want to know her.” 

“Listen,” Liv said softly. “I will absolutely let you see Hope, but I want to talk a little bit about you and I and Noah.” He swallowed. “Rafa, I know none of this was your fault. I know you’ve been trying to survive an impossible situation, but when you left, it hurt me. I need you to know that. I don’t think I can do that again, and Noah has been hurt. I need you to know that you can’t just run like that again. I need you to let me help you or let someone help you. I’m not expecting anything from you right now but for you to be here. If you can do that, we can figure this out, okay?” 

“Okay,” he whispered, his voice breaking. Liv didn’t want to upset him; that wasn’t her goal. She didn’t want him to feel bad. “I want to fix things. I just...I don’t even know where to start.” 

“We’ll figure that out. Together,” she said. “I can’t promise everything will work out, but I know we can figure out what’s best for all of us.” It was quiet for a few moments. 

“You can...hug me if you want,” he said softly. Liv took him up on that offer almost immediately. She made sure she was telegraphing her movements though, trying to give him ample time to process where and how she was going to touch him. She wrapped her arms around him, and he was still. He didn’t really hug her back, and for just a second, he struggled, but before she could let him go, he settled. “Okay,” he said softly, and she pulled back. “I better get back to Rita’s,” he said softly. “She’ll worry.” 

“Okay,” Liv said, just praying that he would be back again sometime soon. 

………………………

Liv had to be hallucinating. There was no way she was looking at a check for twenty thousand dollars. She could feel it in her hands; she could see his familiar handwriting scrawled across the rectangle of paper, shakier than she’d ever seen it before. There was her name near his. Twenty thousand dollars. “Rafael, no.” Her voice was firm as she looked up at him. He was standing in front of her, hands stuffed in his pockets. 

“Olivia,” he said. “I owe you this money. It’s child support.” Liv blinked. 

“This is way too much. I can’t accept this,” Liv said. 

“You have to,” he said. “I’m trying to make this right, Liv. It’s what’s right.” 

“You aren’t even making a salary right now, Rafa. You had no idea about her. I don’t need your money,” Liv said. “And this is too much even if I did.” 

“Please,” he said, his voice sounding desperate. It was the most she’d heard his voice since he was back. He was looking at her, his green eyes begging her to accept his outrageously large check. “Put it away for Hope. I want her to have it. I feel like a deadbeat, Liv. Please.” She couldn’t refuse his begging despite her skepticism. 

“Fine,” she said softly. “I’ll put it in a college fund for Hope. Now, please, let yourself off the hook.” She was glad to see him back for the second day in a row. He looked tired, his eyes dark, but he was there. “She’s in her crib. You’re welcome to go check on her. She was napping.” 

“Okay,” he said softly. He headed back into the apartment, and Liv saw him disappear into their bedroom. It wasn’t really theirs anymore; she slept in there alone. She followed him back, pausing at the door and watching as he stood beside the crib, looking down at their baby. “Hi,” he whispered softly. “I know I’m not so good at this. Not yet at least, but I’m here. I’m trying, and I hope that’s enough because I love you. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.”

Liv slowly backed out of the room, not wanting to eavesdrop. She checked on Noah who was playing on his tablet in his bedroom. “Hey, sweet boy,” she said softly. Noah didn’t answer. “Noah,” she said, coming further into his bedroom to sit on the edge of the bed. He finally looked up at her. 

“Is Hope up yet?” He asked. “You said I could feed her this time.” Liv paused. She had forgotten, and now, Rafael was there. 

“I’ll check. Uncle Rafa went to go see if she was awake,” Liv said gently. Noah glared again. 

“You’ll probably just let him do it,” he muttered, turning away from her. Liv paused, putting a hand on Noah’s shoulder but he jerked away. 

“Noah, sweetheart, I promised you. I’m going to keep that promise,” Liv said softly. Liv stood with a sigh, and Noah sat up. “Come on, let’s go see if she’s awake. You can help me make the bottle.” Noah perked up, trailing after her. Rafael was rocking her in the bedroom. She was awake and looking around, and Liv was impressed that she wasn’t fussy. “Rafa, wanna bring her out into the living room. Noah was gonna give her a bottle,” Liv said. Rafael nodded, following slowly. He sat on the couch with Hope while Noah helped her with the bottle, excitedly rushing over to the couch. Rafael handed Hope to Liv without a word, and she helped Noah get situated with his sister. “Rafa, do you want a drink?” She asked softly, wanting to make sure he was comfortable. He looked lost again. 

“Please,” he whispered. “Do you have scotch?” Liv considered it a second before going to pour him a glass. She’d kept it in case he came home. 

She only poured him two fingers of it to start. She wasn’t sure if he’d eaten or not. He took it without complaint, sipping from the glass slowly. Liv was glad that he was pacing himself. “Are you hungry?” she asked. She’d sent his leftovers with him back to Rita’s the last time he’d been over. “I can make you whatever you want. Or we could order in.” He swirled his drink. 

“Can we order from that salad place?” Noah asked. Noah was beginning to give her a headache. He knew that Rafael despised eating there, and he was doing it to be difficult, and Liv was trying to find the line to toe so that she wouldn’t upset Noah too much but she could support Rafael the best way possible. 

“Noah, not tonight,” Liv said, and he glared, but he didn’t argue too much. She turned her gaze back to Rafael. 

“I don’t care,” he whispered. 

“How about I make spaghetti,” Liv said. “I know it isn’t Wednesday, but everyone likes spaghetti.” 

Rafael nodded, and Noah had no way to fight that. She knew he wouldn’t even try anyways because he’d been asking for it. Liv hadn’t had the time to make dinner lately, not with a screaming baby and trying to get back to work. “Alright. I’m going to get started on that. Noah when you’re done feeding Hope, you give her to Uncle Rafa, and I want you to go get your spelling homework started.” 

“But, Mom,” Noah said, whining. 

“No buts,” Liv said firmly. Noah grimaced, but he focused on giving Hope her bottle. Rafael was still quiet. He’d turned the tv on, and he was still nursing his scotch. She was watching him as she prepared dinner, and the way he clenched and unclenched his hand didn’t go unnoticed. Noah was taking his time with Hope, but he did finally, stand, handing Rafael the baby before stomping back to his bedroom. Rafael stood when he had Hope, leaving his drink on the coffee table. 

“Should I burp her or something?” he asked.

“Yeah, go ahead. She’s usually alright, but I still do it just in case,” Liv said. Rafael cradled Hope close, patting her back. 

He was quiet again then, walking Hope around as he burped her. Liv felt tears in her eyes; this was all that she had wanted for months, and now he was right there in her living room with their baby. He was back. 

……………………………..

Liv looked up when she heard the knock on her door. “Come in,” she said. When the door opened, she saw Rita. “Hey,” she said. 

“Hey, Benson. I wanted to let you know that I’m prepared to file Rafael’s lawsuit. Also, I wanted to know if you’re going to do a line up with him?” Rita asked. 

“I can ask the ADA,” Liv said softly. “Is Rafael really ready for that?” 

“I don’t know that we can keep putting this off,” Rita said. 

“How is he?” Liv asked. 

“He’s alright. He’s the happiest after he’s been at your place,” Rita said softly. 

“Is he eating?” Liv asked. “He doesn’t eat much with me.” 

“Not really,” Rita said. “He tries. He spends most of his time in the bedroom. Coming back here, I think it’s been difficult for him.” Liv sighed. She didn’t know what to do to help him. She wanted him to try certain things, but she didn’t want to push too hard too early. 

“I’ll let you know about the line up. I’m just worried,” Liv whispered. 

“I know. He’s doing his best. He bought some nicotine patches. I really think that Hope is the best thing for him. Time with her and with you seems to soothe him,” Rita said. 

“He’s trying to hide his cigarettes,” Liv said. “I could smell the smoke on his clothes from day one though. I wish he wasn’t so ashamed. We can figure this out.” 

“He’s worried about the smoke around the kids,” Rita said softly. 

“I know it’s a problem,” Liv said, “But he and I can work through it.”

“You’re going to have to give him some space, Olivia. He’s having a really tough time adjusting,” Rita said. “And he’s having a hard time trusting. He sure as hell won’t talk to me.” 

Liv shook her head. She wasn’t sure what to do. She wanted to help him anyway possible, but she was at a loss. He had been through something so horrific, and her relationship with him was so over complicated that it was difficult to find her footing. 

“I’ll check on him when I leave,” Rita said. “I think he was going to see the baby tonight whenever you’re home.” 

“He’s welcome when Lucy is there as well,” Liv said. “I can talk to her about running interference with Noah.” 

“I’ll tell him,” Rita said softly. “Call me about that lineup. I need to prepare him for it, and I’m going to talk to him about the lawsuit.” 

“Will do,” Liv said, looking back at her computer. She let her gaze slide to the picture that resided on the left of her desk. There was Rafael, smiling hugely as he sat with Noah and ate ice cream. Seeing that picture and knowing everything that had changed broke her heart. 

………………………………….

“Rita, I can’t talk about this,” Rafael said, standing up. His whole body was trembling, and he felt cornered. Rita was standing at the door of his bedroom, and he had been lounging in bed, but he could barely breathe now. She was talking about a line up and a trial, and he felt like the walls were closing in on him. 

“Rafael, listen,” she said. “I can’t keep delaying this. We need to nail Taylor’s ass to the wall. I know it isn’t easy, and I know that you don’t feel ready, but it’s time.” 

“You don’t understand,” he said, backing himself up against the wall. He slid down, running both of his hands through his hair and squeezing his eyes shut. He was breathing raggedly, his body shaking, and he wished that Rita would just go away. He felt like his throat was closing up. “I--I can’t breathe…. Please stop. Please.” 

“Okay, okay, shh,” Rita said softly. “Take a breath. Do you think you can stand? Let’s go over to Liv’s. She’s waiting for you.” He had to take a few moments to get a grip on himself, and even then, he was shaky. Rita helped him stand, and he followed her silently, trying not to drown in his emotions. The prospect of seeing that man again was chilling. Rafael didn’t feel prepared to face him. 

The car ride over was quiet, but it didn’t escape him that Rita was keeping a hand on his arm at all times like she was afraid that he might flee. He didn’t have the energy to pull away. He watched out the window of the Uber, trying to remember back to a time where he didn't feel this way. 

Rita wasn’t letting him go even as she walked him up to Liv’s door and knocked. Liv didn’t ask, letting them into the apartment. Rafael couldn’t bring himself to worry about whatever Rita and Liv were talking about, sitting on the floor with Hope. He distracted himself by shaking the little toy keys for her, and she reached for them every few minutes. 

He found some comfort in Hope. She was smiling at him and sitting in his lap while he watched the tv. He smoothed down her dark hair, grateful that he had her there to comfort him. “Hola Hope,” he whispered, moving to lay on his stomach. Hope laughed at him when he made faces for her. He was feeling a little better until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He practically jumped out of his skin. 

“Rafa, hey.” It was Liv. She let go of him quickly. “Do you want me to order you some food? We’re going to get dinner.” He shrugged, trying to focus his attention back on Hope. 

He touched Hope’s hand, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. They left him alone to play with her for a while, and he found himself soothed once more until he heard the doorbell. He had to suppress the urge to flee. Liv scooped up Hope then, and he was forced to socialize. Rita was still there for some reason, and he was growing suspicious. He wasn’t in the mood to be cornered or have the two of them gang up on him. Especially not considering how even thinking about the prospect of a trial upset him. 

He hesitantly sat at the table, pushing his food around. “Rafa,” Liv said gently, and he swallowed. It was coming. “Listen, I don’t want to pressure you, but I want to talk. Can we do that? Is that okay with you?” 

“Can we talk alone?” he asked softly. Liv nodded, and they went back to her bedroom. Rafael quietly took a seat on the bed. Liv sat beside him, but she was giving him enough space that he didn’t feel caged. 

“How are you feeling about a line up?” she asked softly. He was staring at his lap, trying to figure out how to put his feelings into words. 

“I don’t know,” he said finally. 

“I want us to take this at your pace, but a line up would be good for the case, Rafael, and you know that we need to make some decisions on this case. It’s difficult, but you need to think and decide how you want to proceed,” Liv said softly. 

“Okay,” he whispered. It was quiet then for a few moments, and Liv sighed. 

“Rafa,” she said, and he found it in himself to look her in the eyes briefly. “Is it okay if we talk about us for a few minutes?” He looked away, feeling tears beginning to burn his eyes. “Rafa, do you want a divorce?” 

“What?” he asked, really looking at her again. A divorce? He tried to make sense of this. Was it what Liv wanted? Were they over? 

“We love each other,” Liv said softly, “But sometimes, things aren’t that simple, and I understand that. We got married because you were about to go to prison. I won’t fault you if you don’t want to be bound by that. I have your crucifix still. I kept it safe. You can keep the ring I gave you if you want even though you aren’t wearing it anymore. I don’t have any use for it.” 

Rafael wasn’t sure what to say. He blinked, trying to gather his thoughts and feelings. He reached for the collar of his shirt, terrified to put himself out there and face rejection, but at the same time, he needed to take that chance. He needed Liv to know how he felt. He grabbed for his chain, pulling the necklace from under his shirt, and bringing the wedding band along with it. “I don’t want a divorce,” he said softly. He rolled the ring between two of his fingers before closing it in his fist. He was trying not to cry. “Being your husband, it’s what I’m most proud of, Liv. It means the world to me that I got to call myself your husband even if it was temporary. I’m trying to be better, Liv. I’m trying to deserve you, to deserve your love, but if you don’t want to be married anymore, I will respect that. I’ll sign the papers. I just want you to be happy.” 

“Rafa,” Liv said, and he heard the emotion in her voice. He paused, and hated the tears that were spilling onto his cheeks. He couldn’t hold them in. “You  _ never _ stopped deserving my love. Never.” He swiped the back of his hand across his cheek, wiping away the tears. Liv was crying too now. “I don’t want a divorce either. I don’t know what will happen, and I don’t need any promises, but I know that I don’t want a divorce.” Rafael felt the relief coursing through his body. She was reaching for him, but holding herself back visibly. She was doing her best to respect his personal space, and he couldn’t articulate how much that meant to him. 

“Hug me,” he whispered, and she did. She pulled him close, and Rafael was fighting his instincts to buck and struggle. He forced himself to stay relaxed until his brain caught up, taking in her familiar scent, the familiar way her hands moved over his back. He couldn’t help but tuck his face against her neck and her hair, breathing in and letting her comfort him. 

It became too much, and he pulled away, feeling like he was going to burst at the seams, but somehow things felt like they might turnout. He might be okay, and they might figure this out, and he needed that hope.

…………………………….

Rafael barely slept that night. He laid in bed, his mind racing as he thought about facing down his tormentors in court. He felt like a coward for being afraid; he wanted more than anything to say no, but he was trying to find strength. He wanted to find a reason that would make dropping the whole issue okay, but he knew that one didn’t exist. He knew that Liv was right, that Rita was right for that matter, but that didn’t make any part of it easier on him. 

By the time it was morning, he was exhausted. He wanted to drink a gallon of coffee, but he’d given it up, trying not to overstimulate himself. He was shaky enough as it was. He dragged himself from bed, going to find Rita. She was pouring herself a mug of coffee, dressed to go to work. He was still in his underwear, hair sticking up everywhere: a disaster. “Good morning,” Rita said. 

“Hi,” he whispered, sitting at the bar. He wanted some scotch, and he was itching to smoke, but he was doing his best to quit, for Hope’s sake. He didn’t want to expose her to anything potentially harmful. “Um,” he said softly, and Rita looked at him. “Set up the line up. Just...I can’t have anyone else there. Just you and of course his defence attorney, but I can’t do it if Liv’s there.” 

“Okay, I’ll make the calls. I’ll be back to pick you up later today, and we’ll get it over with. You’re going to have to give a statement to the police. I can be there when you give it. I can have whoever you want take it. It could be Carisi or anyone at SVU or someone who has no idea who you are,” Rita said. Rafael felt like he was going to be sick, but he needed to be strong. He needed to do this, to be strong for his family. If he wanted to get better, he needed to do this to start picking up the pieces of his life, and he had to get better for Hope and for Noah and for Olivia. 

“Let me think about that part,” he said softly. He scrubbed at his face. “Actually….just let Rollins do it. I want to get this over with.” 

“I’ll set it up. Try to relax while I’m gone. This is the right thing, Rafael,” Rita said. He nodded.

………………………….

Rafael was smoking when Rita came through the door. He had broken down halfway through the day, and he’d been slowly working his way through a pack since then. He’d managed to limit himself to one glass of scotch, seeing the necessity of being sober for the line up and interview, but it had just amplified his cravings to smoke. He was going through cycles of self loathing and realizing that he was doing what was necessary for himself to survive. 

She came over to the door to the balcony, standing there, and he didn’t meet her eyes. “You ready?” she asked. He finished his cigarette, standing up quietly to follow Rita. 

“Okay,” he whispered. He followed her down to the car, trying to keep a handle on himself. He’d spent some time cleaning up so he would be presentable. He had bought himself some new clothes online, something that would fit him a little better than his old clothing. It wasn’t a three piece suit, but he looked sharp, and that was important to him. He’d taken the time to shave and he had combed his hair back. Rita didn’t bother trying to engage him in the car, and he was grateful because he wasn’t in the mood to talk. He looked out the window at passing cars and the buildings. His heart was beating out of his chest, but he was trying to hold himself together. Seeing him again, thinking about what had happened in that prison was enough to make him want to run, but he had promised. He’d promised Liv and he had Hope to think about, so he was trying to focus on that the best he could. 

When they pulled up to the precinct, he froze up. He took a few long moments to gather himself, focusing on breathing. He wasn’t sure he was going to make it through this. He finally forced himself out of the car, shoving his hands into his pockets to hide how much they were shaking. The elevator ride up felt like an eternity, and then Rita was nudging him forward. Liv was standing by the door to her office, and the detectives were sitting at theirs, but everyone’s eyes were on him when he walked into the squad room. He saw Carisi stand and stare at him before he walked away. Rafael couldn’t dwell on that. Rollins came closer. “Barba, hey,” she said. “It’s good to see you. Why don’t you come sit in the interview room while we get the line up ready for you?” He nodded, following after Amanda. Rita went to speak with Liv, so Rafael was in the room alone with Rollins. “Are you still feeling up to giving your statement afterwards?” Amanda asked him softly. 

“I think so,” he whispered. 

“Do you want some water?” Amanda asked. 

“Okay,” he whispered. He needed to get this over with. He was struggling to handle the stress. He sipped his water, looking up when Rita came into the room. She smiled at him. 

“Ready?” she asked softly. 

“Can you send Liv in here first?” he asked. “I want to talk to her.” 

“Okay,” Rita said. “I’ll wait for you out there.” 

When Liv came in the room, he stood. He needed to be the one to say this to her. “You doing okay?” Liv asked him softly. She reached for him but stopped short, and he appreciated her restraint. He knew it wasn’t easy adapting to meet his needs when they were so used to casual touches and physical closeness. He had always valued their physical relationship whether that meant Liv squeezing his shoulder in the office or holding his hand as they watched a movie or their sex life. He was never one to shy away from it, so he knew it was difficult for them both. 

“Not really,” he admitted. “But I need to do this. That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Okay,” Liv said softly, coming closer to him. 

“Liv, I can’t do this with you in the room,” he said. He had been trying to figure out a better way he might be able to say it, but he had nothing. He would tell her the truth. He saw the pain on her face. She couldn’t hide it from him, but she tried to offer him a small smile. He looked at her, pleading for understanding. He couldn’t quite put his finger on  _ why _ he couldn’t tell her, but something about it gave him more anxiety than anything else. He supposed that he didn’t want Liv thinking about him in that position. He was well aware that she dealt with her own guilt over what had transpired, and he didn’t want to put any more on her shoulders. 

“Whatever you need,” she finally said. “I know this is difficult.” 

“Thank you,” he said softly. “Um, I might come over later. I’m not sure yet.”

“You’re welcome anytime,” Liv said. He took a cleansing breath then, following Liv from the room. Rita walked him through the door, and he turned, looking at the line up in front of him. The moment he saw Taylor, he fought his body’s instinct to retch. He felt bile rising in his throat. Time seemed to freeze for a moment, and he remembered everything. Every fist that knocked the air out of him, Taylor’s hands, the way he would push Rafael’s face down into the cot, the way his breath hitched against the back of Rafael’s neck. He shuddered, trying to pull himself from the unwelcome thoughts. 

“Number five,” he whispered, and Rita looked at him encouragingly. “Number five is the one who raped me,” he said. He excused himself to the bathroom afterwards, staring into the mirror. He was panicking. He splashed himself with water, trying to calm his breathing, but he wasn’t sure he could. 

His stomach was rolling, and he staggered into a stall, unable to hold back anymore. He felt clammy and ill even once he’d finished gagging, and he had to steady himself with a hand on the wall. He heard the door to the bathroom open, and he felt his heartbeat leaping into a gallup. What if it was Taylor? He had to take a moment to calm down and remind himself that Taylor was in custody. Unless he wasn’t. He’d never asked if he made bail or not. He couldn’t sit in that stall forever though, so he forced himself to go out to the sink to wash his hands. 

It was only Fin, and Rafael let out a breath that he hadn’t even known he was holding. He washed his hands. “You know your CO buddy threatened Liv,” Fin said, and Rafael felt his body shudder when Fin called Taylor his  _ buddy _ . He was disgusted by the implication, but he knew that Fin had no idea what he was saying. He’d asked that it be kept under wraps. Liv and Amanda knew generally what had happened to him, and so did Rita, but otherwise, they were keeping it quiet. Of course, Fin knew that Taylor had done  _ something  _ to him but he certainly wasn’t aware of the specifics. 

Rafael felt guilty all the same though. Taylor had threatened his family? It was all his fault. Liv didn’t deserve to be dealing with his issues. Taylor was his problem, not hers, and he was angry that the corrections officer dared to mess with Liv. “You really hurt her,” Fin said. “Don’t you dare do it again or you’ll answer to me.” 

Rafael didn’t have a response. He could barely breathe to begin with. He splashed himself with some water, shakily walking back out the squad room. Amanda was waiting for him. She walked him into the interview room again, and there was water there on the table waiting. He sipped the water, trying to compose himself.

Rollins sat across from him, and he looked up as Rita came into the room. She moved to sit beside him, and he looked away. He wasn’t sure he could do this. “Rafael,” Rollins said softly. “Let’s start from the beginning.” He rose to his feet. 

“I-I need a minute,” he said, staggering out into the squad room again. He felt dizzy, and he saw Liv out of the corner of his eye. He needed a cigarette. He headed towards the door, and he knew she was following him. He could hear her calling his name, but he needed to go outside. In his haste to avoid Olivia, he wasn’t watching where he was going and he bumped right into someone. It took him a moment to get his bearings, but when he looked up, Dave Taylor was right in his face. 

“Oh, hey, Barba,” he said. “Long time no see.” Rafael wanted to run. He wanted to panic and scramble away somewhere so he could curl up into a little ball and scream until he was hoarse, but he didn’t want to give the prick the satisfaction. Taylor wasn’t cuffed, but he was with his attorney who seemed ready to step in. Rafael was disgusted but not surprised that he’d made bail. He took a step towards Rafael who stood his ground, trying his best not to shake. 

“Fuck you,” he spat. “Stay the fuck away from me. Pretty soon, you’ll be the one in a jail cell with no one to help you, and I won’t feel bad.” He didn’t back away and he forced himself to look Taylor in the eyes. 

“I must’ve smacked your head too hard against that floor,” Taylor said softly so that only Rafael could hear him. “Do you really think a jury is going to believe you? Half of New York still thinks you killed that judge.” Taylor poked him right in the middle of his chest. “And once this is over, you are going to see me again. I promise.” 

“Mr. Taylor, step back,” Liv said lowly, stepping between Rafael and the corrections officer. 

“See you around,” Taylor said before going after his attorney into the elevator. Liv turned to him once the doors to the elevator shut. 

“Are you okay?” she asked him. He wasn’t. He wasn’t okay at all, but he didn’t want to show it. He was trying his best to keep his emotions in check even though they were overwhelming. 

“No,” he whispered, trying desperately not to break down. “I need to go outside.” Liv quietly waited with him for the next elevator, and they rode down to the street together. Rafael didn’t want to take his cigarettes out in front of her, but he knew that she wasn’t stupid. She probably knew that he was smoking again already, and he really needed it. He pulled the brand new pack out of his pocket, taking one out and lighting it. His hands were shaking again, and he was barely keeping a handle on himself. Liv quietly stayed with him, offering support which did help. There wasn’t much that she would be able to do to really fix things for him. “Is any of this worth it?” he whispered softly. “Everything feels broken. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“You’re doing the right thing,” Liv said softly. “You’re doing all the right things right now. Taylor deserves to pay for what he did to you. He hurt you, Rafael.” 

“They won’t believe me,” Rafael whispered. He took another puff from his cigarette. He wasn’t sure that he was going to make it to Liv’s house, not after everything that happened. He needed a drink, badly. More than one if he was being honest with himself, and it was only going to get worse. He was supposed to go up there and sit in a conference room while his colleague pitied him and listened to his sob story. 

He knew Rollins wouldn’t really pity him. He’d listened to her tell the story of her assault, and he’d done everything in his power to put the man who did it in jail. He knew it was time to let his squad take care of him, but he didn’t feel like they were his anymore. He didn’t feel like he deserved them. It felt like he’d relinquished that right when he ran, when he’d left Liv all alone, pregnant and scared. He knew he was being unfair to himself, at least to an extent, but it felt that way. He felt like he deserved nothing that he had. He didn’t deserve Liv or Hope or Noah, he didn’t deserve the squad. He didn’t deserve to be happy. 

“Rafael,” Liv said softly. “One day at a time. We take this one day at a time. There’s bad and there’s good. If you want more good, you need to take this step. It’s time Rafa. I know you can do it.” 

He knew she was right. He knew he needed to try, but he was so tired and beaten down. He felt like he was about to shatter into a million different pieces. He turned and hit the wall, letting out a sob. He hit the brick again, ignoring the pain that blossomed in his hand. His shoulders shook with the sobs, and he let his forehead fall against the brick. He could feel Liv hovering behind him, not touching, but hovering and supporting and he needed this. 

He needed to let out his emotions because they were too much to contain. He needed to express them. He needed to let himself feel that way. He turned then, wiping his eyes and sliding down the wall, sitting there on the dirty street, feeling lost. Liv sat next to him. He lit another cigarette. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, pulling his knees up. “I’m such a fuck up now. Liv, I’ve never been this much of a fuck up in my life.” 

“You aren’t a fuck up,” Liv said. “You’re doing your best right now, and it’s okay to feel however you feel.” He leaned down, resting his face against his knees. He sat up and wiped his eyes, bringing his cigarette back up to his lips. 

“Fuck,” he whispered. “I need to go back up there.” 

“I’ll walk you up,” Liv said softly. Rafael slowly got up to his feet, finishing smoking before they headed back inside. He was exhausted. 

Amanda was waiting for him in the squad room. “Sorry,” he said, following her into the interview room once more. He stopped Rita at the door. “Please wait outside,” he said softly. “I need to do this alone.” 

“Okay,” Rita said softly. He was grateful that she didn’t argue. He sat down at the table and took a deep breath. It was time to tell his story.

……………………………….

Liv was pouring herself wine. Rafael was still in the living room, on the floor with Hope. He hadn’t said a word since he came out of that conference room, and Amanda hadn’t said much either. Liv would get the statement sooner or later, but she didn’t want to read it if Rafael didn’t want her to. At the same time, though, it hurt to know that he didn’t feel like he could disclose with her in the room. 

She wished that he felt like he could trust her with what had happened to him. She knew it wasn’t that simple at all, but it was painful for her to feel so helpless and to know that he didn’t feel like he could tell her for whatever reason. She looked at the flowers he’d brought her. He hadn’t stopped bringing gifts for each of them every time he came over, and Liv wanted to tell him to stop. He didn’t need to buy forgiveness. Just being there was more than good enough, but she also didn’t want to hurt his feelings. 

Liv poured him a scotch, knowing he could use something to calm his nerves. He was barely interacting with Hope, mostly just watching her as she played with the toys they had on the floor for her. Liv set the scotch down on the coffee table for him, and he reached for it, taking a sip. 

A year ago, she might have sat down next to him on the floor and pulled him close. She would’ve stroked her fingers through his hair and they would’ve gotten through whatever was bothering him together. Now, she was at a loss. She sat next to him on the floor all the same, looking at him. He was looking at Hope. “You’re welcome to stay the night if you’d like,” she said softly. He didn’t respond, but she knew he heard her. 

Rita was at the table, on her phone. She hadn’t been comfortable leaving Rafael to get home on his own later. Liv didn’t want him to feel like he had to go though. He could have the couch if he wanted to get some sleep. 

After a bit, he picked Hope up and he hugged her and kissed the top of her head. Liv took her when he held her out to her, and then he was up to his feet and walking with Rita. Liv watched them go, sending him a text. 

_ Are you coming over tomorrow? I have off. _

It wasn’t long before her phone dinged with a response. 

_ Please. In the morning if that works.  _

……………………………….

Liv felt like she could barely breathe. Rafael was late, and not just a little bit. He was over an hour late, and Rita wasn’t returning her phone calls. She was pacing back and forth, trying not to panic, but she was panicked. She was so afraid that he was gone again. She wasn’t sure if she would ever get him back if he was. Rafael felt so far out of her reach, and it hurt. She didn’t know what to do or how to find out if he was okay. 

She knew he’d been through hell the day before. Seeing Taylor had been a lot not to mention then giving his statement to Amanda. She knew he wasn’t doing well when he left, and that made it all the worse. She was terrified of where he could’ve been or what he could’ve been doing. Was he okay? Was he scared? She needed to know. She tried calling him again, but it went straight to voicemail and she was having unwelcome flashbacks. 

She sat on the couch and tried her best not to cry because she knew that there were plenty of reasons why he could be late. She was trying not to panic prematurely. Liv knew that Rita was probably in court or with a client, not ignoring her, but that wasn’t much of a comfort. 

“Mom?” Noah appeared from the hallway. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah,” she said, forcing a smile on her face. “Are you hungry? We can get some breakfast. It’s almost time for Hope’s bottle.” 

“Can I feed her?” Noah asked softly. 

“Sure, baby,” she said softly. “Why don’t you get her from the crib. I’ll get her bottle started. What are you hungry for?” 

“Pancakes,” Noah said. “With lots of chocolate chips.” 

Liv laughed, grateful that she had her babies to keep her going because otherwise she would be a wreck. She focused on Noah and Hope instead and prayed that she would hear something from him soon. 

……………………….

Rafael jerked awake at the sound of his bedroom door opening. His heart was pounding in his chest, and he felt completely disoriented. His mouth was dry and tasted awful as he swallowed, and his head was aching. He was trying to slowly open his eyes and adjust to the light of day. “Rafael, are you in there?” 

He shifted in the bed, trying to figure out where the hell he was. He felt lost. “I’m here,” he finally managed to say, his voice thick and hoarse. “What--”  
“It’s Rita. It’s three in the afternoon. I’ve been calling,” Rita said.

“It’s three?” he asked, suddenly feeling his heart sink. He grabbed for his phone, bringing the screen into focus. He saw dozens of missed calls from both Olivia and Rita. “Fuck, holy fucking shit. I have to call Liv,” he said, scrambling. He felt tears stinging his eyes as the phone rang. He had missed his time to go see his daughter, and he hated himself for it. He hated himself so much. 

“Rafa?” Liv asked. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, unable to keep the tears from his voice. “Yeah, Liv, it’s me. I’m so sorry. I was asleep. I’m at Rita’s. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to not come. I just haven’t been sleeping.” His breaths were shaky, and he tried not to sob, running his fingers through his hair. “Can I come over still? I want to see Hope.”

“Yes,” Liv said, and he could hear the emotion in her voice. “Take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay. Come over when you’re ready, and we’ll be here waiting, okay?” 

“Okay, thank you. Thank you so much,” he whispered. 

He dragged himself from the bed, quickly gathering up some clean clothes. He wanted to look presentable. He threw them in the bathroom, heading out the balcony to smoke before he took a shower. He needed a cigarette and then he needed to get himself ready to go over to Olivia’s despite the hangover that he was currently plaguing him. Rita was in the kitchen. “Are you alright?” she asked him softly. 

“Not really,” he said. “Sorry you had to come check on me. I slept through my alarm.” He had been drinking heavily throughout the evening after he left Olivia’s, and he had been good and shitfaced by the time he passed out in bed. 

“Do you feel okay? You passed out last night,” Rita said softly. 

“My head aches,” he whispered. “I’m going to smoke and take a shower. Then I’m going to Liv’s.” Rita nodded. His cigarette made him feel better, calmer at least, but he was upset and he was still shaking. The shower helped to clear his head, and he made sure to shave his face and clean up the best he could. He stopped to do some shopping on his way over to her apartment, purchasing a few things. He picked out a new lego set for Noah, a few outfits for Hope, and he bought Liv a rose. He knew he was overcompensating, but he wanted them all to know how much they meant to him. He wanted to find a way to make Liv see that he wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. He knew she was scared. He knew he had worried her, and that made him feel like absolute garbage. 

Liv answered the door almost immediately after he rang it, and she grabbed him and pulled him close. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she murmured by his ear, and he stiffened, hating that he was so uncomfortable with physical touching. He did his best to stay calm though and relax into it because he felt he owed her whatever he could handle. He owed her that hug, and in a way, it was comforting. Liv still smelled the way that she always had, and that was familiar and grounding. Every time anyone touched him, it was difficult. Touching, especially when it was unexpected, took him back to that jail cell, to being helpless. It made him think of the way that it felt to have Taylor’s hands on him, and thinking of that made him feel physically ill. 

“I need to let go now,” he whispered, and she did as he asked. He had to take a second and compose himself. 

“Hope is in the living room,” Liv said. Rafael followed her in there, seeing his daughter and feeling guilty all over again. He pulled out the rose he had for Liv, handing it to her, and she smiled. “Thank you,” she whispered. He nodded. He also handed her Hope’s gift before going to sit on the couch. He picked up his baby, holding her close and trying his best not to cry. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, Hope. I’m here. I’ll be better. I promise.” She was content to sit on his lap and play with her toys or suck on her fingers, and Rafael tried to just appreciate that he had her in his arms. 

The couch dipped when Liv moved to sit beside him, and he knew how much she wanted to hold him. He could feel her hands near him, her hesitation as she tried to decide if she should ask. He wasn’t sure he could really deal with much touching, but he wanted to give her something. He clenched and unclenched his hands. “You can hold onto my shirt if it helps. I know earlier probably scared you,” he whispered. Liv didn’t hesitate, and it made his heart ache. She had her fingers twisted in the back of his shirt, keeping a tight grip on him, and he almost liked it. It didn’t feel like too much, not the same way it would if she was actually touching him, but she was close. He wanted her to have the contact that she needed, but he was trying not to compromise his own mental state because he was already so fragile. 

He was so tense and upset, so he focused on Hope. He focused on what he had. He couldn’t help but sit up when he saw Noah though. The little boy came out into the room, looking surprised to see Rafael. He kind of froze, and Rafael wanted to give Noah the present he had for him, but he wasn’t sure what to do. He reached for the plastic bag at his feet. “Hey,” he said softly. Noah stared at him. “I brought you a present.” He held the bag out, and Noah looked at it. 

Noah paused a second, but Rafael saw his face twist into a scowl. He knocked the bag out of Rafael’s hand and onto the floor. “I don’t want your stupid present,” he said, lips twisted up angrily. “I wish you’d just go away and stop making Mom cry.” With that, he stomped back down the hall, and Rafael felt shellshocked, staring after the little boy who he loved with his whole heart. Liv’s hand brushed his shoulder as she stood. 

“Stay here,” she said. “I’ll go talk to him.” Rafael watched Olivia disappear after Noah, and he was upset. He wanted to leave. He stood, gently putting Hope down into the pack and play that was on the floor. He was pacing now, trying not to get too worked up. He knew he wasn’t supposed to run. He had promised, and he didn’t want to leave his baby, but maybe it was for the best. Maybe he was harming them more than he was helping. 

…………………………..

Liv was angry. She was so upset with Noah, and she wanted to put an end to this right now, but she knew he meant well. He was trying to protect her and his sister, and that wasn’t wrong. His anger was misplaced though. Rafael didn’t deserve it, and she wished that she could convince Noah of that, but he was truly hurt. 

She knocked on his bedroom door, and he didn’t answer. “Noah, it’s Mom, can I come in?” 

“Okay.” His voice was soft. Liv opened the door and slipped inside, going to sit near him on the bed. 

“Noah,” she said. He was glaring at his lap. “Honey, I know you’re upset, but I want to talk to you about Uncle Rafa.” 

“Why?” Noah whispered. “I don’t want to listen.” 

“Well, you’re going to listen,” Liv said. Noah huffed, but he looked up at her finally. “Do you remember what things were like before Uncle Rafa went away?” 

“Before he went to jail?” Noah asked, his voice softening a little bit.

“Yes, before he went to jail,” Liv said. Noah seemed to think about it a little bit before he responded.

“Uncle Rafa was always here. He would help with my homework,” Noah said.

“Yeah,” Liv said. “He was here, and how did he act?”

“He was funny,” Noah said. “He would tell me bedtime stories and talk to me about school.”

“Mhmm,” Liv whispered, reaching out to run her hand over Noah’s curls. “And did he look different?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Noah said softly. 

“Do me a favor,” Liv said softly. “I want you to watch Uncle Rafa for a couple of days. Pay close attention and you see if he’s different than he used to be. I want you to think about it. What you did out there, that was unacceptable. You don’t talk to him that way. Noah, you have to be kind to him. You can be upset and mad, but do it in a respectful way. Do you hear me?” 

“Okay,” Noah whispered. 

“Alright,” Liv said, standing up. “I need to go back out with Rafa. I expect you to give him an apology for how you yelled at him.” 

“Okay,” Noah said again, but didn’t look impressed. 

Liv went out to the main area of the apartment again, and she saw Rafael pacing. He looked really upset. He had set Hope down. “Hey,” she said softly. 

“Hi,” he whispered, but he had tears in his eyes, and he looked like he was going to lose his shit any second. His chest was heaving with every breath. “I need to go,” he said softly, running his fingers through his hair. 

“Rafa, please stay,” Liv said softly, wanting to reach for him, but she knew he would freak out. 

“I--I can’t. I need to go back to Rita’s. Tell Noah I’m sorry,” he said, walking towards the door. He grabbed his jacket, leaving before she could stop him, and Liv didn’t know what to do, but she wasn’t going to let him slip out of her life again. 

…………………………………..

Liv was sitting on her couch worrying when her phone dinged.  _ I feel like you would be better off without me. Please come over and talk to me.  _

It felt like her heart dropped into her stomach. She could barely breathe. She had her phone out to call Lucy in a second. She needed Lucy to watch the kids while she went to deal with this. Lucy agreed to come over and stay as long as she needed, and Liv was grateful to her. She was grabbing a jacket when her phone started ringing again. She picked it up on the way out of the door. 

“Olivia, I need you over here now.” It was Rita now, and Liv was terrified. “He wants to leave. I’m trying to talk to him.” 

“I’m on my way. Tell him to wait for me,” Liv said. “Tell him I said he needs to wait and talk to me.”

“Okay,” Rita said. “I’ll do my best.” 

Liv was rushing now, running down to her car. She needed to get to Rita Calhoun’s apartment as fast as humanly possible. She couldn’t let Rafael slip through her fingers. He couldn’t leave again, not now that she had him back. He was so important to her. She was speeding towards his apartment, tempted to use her sirens. She parked in front of Rita’s building, and she didn’t waste any time. She went up the stairs when the elevator was taking too long. She felt a little better when Rita opened the door. “He’s in his bedroom. It’s down the hall,” she said. 

Liv took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. She didn’t want to upset him any more than was necessary. She knocked on his door. “Rafa,” she said. “It’s Olivia. Can I come in?” 

“Yeah,” he said. She could hear that he was upset in his voice. She opened the door, going in to see him, and he was folding clothes by the bed and placing them in his luggage. When he turned, his face was streaked with tears. 

“Rafa, hey,” she said softly, carefully approaching the bed. He looked like a scared cat, ready to flee at any moment. 

“I need to go,” he said softly. He was on the brink of sobbing. “I’m just making everything worse. You deserve better. I’m just going to go and get my life back together.” 

“Rafael, don’t you dare,” Liv said softly. “I want you here. I need you here with me.” 

“No, you don’t,” he said. “Liv, I’m a mess. I’m making your life a mess. Noah is miserable because of me, and Hope will be better off without me.” His voice and her heart broke as he finished speaking. 

“Rafa, look at me,” she said. He did as she asked, and the look in his green eyes made her want to cry too. “Noah is upset, but we’re going to work on that. That doesn’t mean that you’re bad for us. Things have been good since you come back. Hope loves you. I know you want to be there for her.” 

“She won’t remember if I leave now,” he whispered. Liv knew that he didn’t want that, she knew he was just upset. She knew Noah had hurt him deeply, and he was feeling insecure and like a burden. 

“Listen to me,” Liv said. “Please sit down.” 

“Okay,” he whispered. He really was crying, and Liv would do anything to help him. She just wanted him to smile again, to see the sparkle of it in his eyes. 

“I want you here. More than anything. We need to work on a lot. I know you still have a long way to go, but no matter what I still need you here. This isn’t your fault, Rafa. I know that. I know you didn’t want any of this, and I know you were going through hell when you left, but you can’t leave now. You promised me that you were in this for the long haul. You need to try,” Liv said. He thought about what she said, staring at his lap. 

“I love him so much,” he whispered, his face crumbling. 

“I know,” Liv said. “And he loves you too. He’s just struggling.”

“I ruined everything, Olivia,” he said, shakily forking his fingers through his hair. He moved to sit on the bed, pulling his feet up and leaning his face against his legs. His chest began to heave as he sobbed, and Liv felt helpless to fix it. 

“You haven’t ruined anything,” she whispered, moving to sit beside him. She hated to see him cry. “Can I help?” she asked. He shook his head before reaching for her hand after a few moments. She took his immediately, and he squeezed. It was a comfort to be able to touch him even in that small way. “We will figure out how to talk to Noah. He’s hurt, and he knows that it was difficult for me while you were gone, but he doesn’t know the whole story, Rafael. We’ll figure it out. It’s going to be okay, but you can’t leave. You have to promise me.” 

“I love him,” Rafael whispered. “And I hurt him.” His chest heaved as he sobbed. 

“Raf,” Liv said softly. He wasn’t listening though, so she stopped talking, hoping that being with him would help to some degree. It was quiet for a long time. 

“I just want what’s best for you,” he whispered. 

“Rafa, you are what’s best for us. For me, for Hope, and for Noah. I promise. You know I’ve never steered you wrong,” Liv said. She hoped that he wouldn’t say anything about how badly she’d failed him though. He sniffled, looking up at her. 

“Do you mean that?” he whispered. Sometimes he would ask things like that, fishing for compliments, but she heard the raw pain in his voice. He wasn’t acting. 

“Yeah, I mean it,” Liv said, squeezing his hand again. “Will you stay? For me?”

“Yes,” he whispered. “I don’t want to leave.” Liv let out a breath that she hadn’t even realized she was holding. “Will you stay a little while?” 

“Yeah,” she whispered. He scooted over in the bed, and Liv moved beside him. They laid there for a while, not touching, just being together. Rafael was still upset, and he was certainly lethargic, probably worn out from his earlier emotional meltdown. She wanted to hold him, but she couldn’t, and that was painful. Liv was struggling. She was fighting with herself. She wanted to pull him close and love him and make things go back to normal, but she was terrified. In a way, the fact that he called her, that he asked for her help, comforted her. It made her believe that maybe he was going to stay. The idea of him leaving terrified her. She didn’t want to get too close again. Her heart couldn’t handle that pain. 

“Please don’t go,” he whispered. 

“I’m here,” she promised. “Lucy is with the kids.” He was curled up on his side, then, and Liv saw his eyes beginning to flutter shut. He was falling asleep. 

“Will you read me a book?” he asked softly. Liv looked around, spotting a book that was sitting on the nightstand. Liv reached for it, opening to the first page and starting to read to him. She watched as he finally relaxed, his breathing evening out. 

………………………………….

Rafael jerked awake, blinking as he tried to orient himself. Where the hell was he? It took him a few long moments of deep breathing to focus in on Liv’s soft voice. “You’re okay. It’s all over, Rafa,” she whispered. “I’m right here.” He was gasping, trying to stop hyperventilating, but it wasn’t working the way he wanted it to. 

That dream, it was like the nightmares that haunted him every night; he was back in his jail cell, nowhere to run or hide, and Taylor was there too. He was always there. He shuddered even thinking about it. He pulled his legs up onto the bed, shutting his eyes and leaning his forehead against his knees. He felt dizzy and upset. “Hey, Rafa.” Liv’s voice was close and it was calming. His heart felt like it was beating out of his chest. He was trying to hold in his sobs, but they were bubbling up until he couldn’t keep them down anymore. He forked his fingers through his hair, trying to get a grip on himself. 

“Take a deep breath,” Liv whispered. “You’re safe. It’s alright.”

“Hold my hand?” he asked softly, needing something to ground himself as he began to sob. Through the pain, he still felt like he wasn’t alone which was a comfort. Liv was with him, and he knew he could break down with her. 

Rita often sat with him if he woke up screaming. She was kind, but he never felt comfortable just feeling when she was there. Crying in front of her was not something he ever wanted to do. Liv was different. She’d already seen him at his highs and his lows, and she knew all of the most vulnerable sides of him. 

“Rafa, sweetie,” Liv whispered. His breath hitched a little bit as he turned to look at her. “You’re all clammy and sweaty. You’ll never fall asleep again like this. How about you go take a shower, and when you come back, I’ll be right here with you, huh?” His lip quivered. 

Liv always knew what to do when he was sick or upset. She would make his favorite comfort food whenever he wasn’t feeling well or when he was overly stressed. She used to talk him through the nightmares that he’d been having since his tumultuous childhood. She knew just how to pick him up when he was down, and he used to be able to do it back. He stood up, feeling weak and shaky. Liv stood with him, finding him some fresh pajamas from his bag and sending him to the bathroom for a shower. 

The warm water did help him. He found himself scrubbing though, and he knew he was doing it too hard, but he couldn’t stop. He hated feeling dirty, but he couldn't push the feeling away no matter how much he wanted to. His shower was long, but eventually, he was able to get out. He dried off, and wrapped himself in the towel, trying to calm down. He still felt shaky. 

He dressed himself, trying to avoid the mirror. His skinny body disgusted him. He didn’t look or feel like himself anymore. Liv was sitting on the bed when he came back. Sheets were in a pile on the floor, and there was a new set on the bed. He stood at the door, feeling awkward. “Hey,” she said warmly. “Come sit down. I have something for you to eat.” He tentatively did as she asked, taking a seat on the bed. She handed him a bowl that was warm. “Soup. Just try to let yourself calm down. Eat, and then you’ll fall back asleep in no time, okay?” He nodded. He didn’t feel up to talking. 

He ate a few spoonfuls of his soup, and the warm broth was helping to make him feel a little bit better. Liv had the tv on low volume, and he watched it absently. 

Liv was sitting close to him, and he knew she wanted to rub his back like she usually might, but he didn’t want to be touched. 

He felt safe with her, and that was something that he was grateful for because there were certainly nights where he felt paranoid because of the images in his dreams. There were nights when he felt like maybe Taylor knew where he was, that maybe he would show up and do something, and he knew that it wasn’t likely; he was safe at Rita’s apartment.

Liv had always been someone who made him feel inherently safe. If he was in the same room as her, he felt like nothing could touch him, and despite the rift that had developed between the two of them, he still felt that. He wished that there wasn’t a rift at all, but he wasn’t ready to really face his emotions, especially not the ones that were most responsible for the issues they had. 

As he finished the warm soup, he began to feel sleepy. He put the bowl on the nightstand, curling up on his side. He still felt Liv there, her weight beside him a comfort. “Talk to me,” he whispered. “Please.” 

“I’m right here, Rafael. You’re safe, and we’re here together. Take a deep breath and remind yourself of that. I’m not going anywhere,” Liv promised. 

“Will you hold my hand?” he asked softly. Liv eased closer to him, but she still wasn’t quite touching, and she put her hand over his where it was resting on his leg. 

“Close your eyes,” she murmured by his ear. “Everything is okay.”

He felt himself starting to drift, and he wanted to cry. He was so tired, and he could never fall asleep after nightmares. He felt safe with Liv though. Somehow, she always made things better. 

…………………………..

When Rafael woke up, he felt warm and rested for the first time in a long time. He could still feel Liv’s weight beside him, and he swallowed back tears. Waking up beside Liv used to be his normal, but he’d never really gotten used to it. He found himself feeling incredibly grateful to be so close to her again, to have the opportunity to be in bed with her, to wake up beside her. He needed her. 

He turned, looking at her, and she was still asleep. He thought about what it was like for her to not know where he was, and his chest ached with guilt. She looked peaceful, and he was grateful for that. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to her forehead. The urge had been overwhelming, and he was more than willing to deal with the consequences on his mental state. He just wanted to touch her, even for a second. 

He loved her so much, and he needed to find his way past this so they could find their way back to each other. Things weren’t the same no matter how much he tried to pretend they were, and he was scared they wouldn’t be even if he gave it his everything. He wanted to kiss her for real, but he knew that would be far too much for him, so he dragged himself from the bed instead, feeling disgusting. 

He needed a shower, to feel clean somehow. He hated falling back into that mindset, into the place where he felt like he was dirty and there was no way to wash Taylor’s touch from his skin. It was like it was tattooed on his body; permanent and visible. 

He pulled the door shut softly, trying not to wake Olivia. He knew she was tired; he could see it in her face, and that always made him feel even worse. He wasn’t doing his part. He’d left her with not only one child to care for all on her own, but pregnant and with a newborn baby who was fussy. She had no one to help her, and now, he wasn’t much help at all. 

He wanted to do more, but he wasn’t confident in his own abilities, and he wasn’t sure how to ask for more. He didn’t want to step on Liv’s toes, to ask for too much. If it was anyone other than Liv, or if the whole situation was any less his fault, he might have found himself in a custody battle, willing to fight for what he wanted, but Liv wasn’t keeping his daughter from him. He didn’t really think she’d say no if he asked, but he was afraid to upset her. He didn’t want her to feel like he was taking her baby away. 

He climbed under the warm shower water, trying to relax. He soaped his body up, slowly, trying to ensure he covered every inch of his body. He lingered on his hips, between his legs, on any area of his body that Taylor paid close attention to. He scrubbed, and with every movement of his hands, he tried not to think about why. His head was aching, and he wasn’t sure if it was still lingering side effects from his previous health issues or if it was because he’d forgotten to eat the whole day before. Liv had managed to shove some of that broth down his throat the night before, but it hadn’t been much. He couldn’t seem to force himself to eat. He knew he needed to, but he had absolutely no appetite whatsoever. 

He was barely eating one meal in a day. He’d relapsed into his bad habits more or less. Rita kept tabs on him though, and she watched him eat the dinner she brought him. He knew she worried. She kicked his ass when he really needed it. 

Liv wasn’t pushing yet. He knew that if she realized he needed it, she would, but she didn’t know everything, not yet anyways. She didn’t see him every day, every night. Night was when he turned into a wreck. He turned to scotch more than he wanted to admit. He washed himself a second time, thoroughly, rinsing the shampoo out of his hair and getting out of the shower. He dried off, pulling on boxer briefs and heading back to the bedroom. As he opened the door, Liv rose to her feet, rushing towards him and gathering him close. He shivered, trying desperately not to jerk away, but he was practically naked. There wasn’t even one layer of cloth between most of his skin and her. He felt bared and unprotected. “Liv,” he whispered. 

She let go. “Sorry,” she murmured. “You scared me.” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I wanted a shower.” Liv definitely wanted to touch him again. He couldn’t let her though. He was already dangerously close to a panic attack. He turned, digging out something to wear. He pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweater. 

“How are you feeling?” she asked softly, coming closer to him. 

“Better than I have in awhile. Well, less tired,” he said softly. “Thank you for yesterday. And last night. I know I’m a disaster right now, but I’m trying.” 

“I know you’re trying,” Liv said. “I know. I need to get back. Are you going to be okay?” 

“Yeah, go, I’m fine now. Um, how much do you owe Lucy?” He asked. Liv stared at him. He grabbed his wallet, pulling out a handful of bills and handing them to her. “My half of the childcare.” She hesitated, but she took them from him after a second. 

“We’ll talk later?” she asked softly. He nodded. 

“I’ll be over tomorrow probably,” he said softly. 

“I’ll talk to Noah,” Liv said. “Maybe it would be good if you talked with him too.” 

“Maybe,” he agreed. “I do want to fix this.” 

“I’ll see what he’s thinking,” Liv replied. “Alright. Call if you need anything.” He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. She had to make herself leave.

………………………

Rafael was in a bad mood. His head was aching again, and he’d barely slept for two nights, but he wasn’t missing any more time with his baby. He was outside Liv’s door, waiting for her to answer. He had his hands shoved in his pockets, and when he wasn’t scanning his surroundings, trying to make sure there was nothing dangerous or threatening, he was staring at his feet. 

“Hey,” Liv’s warm voice immediately calmed him, his heart slowing. He followed her inside, immediately going to the couch. She was staring at him, and he realized he’d missed something she said to him. 

“Sorry, I’m all over the place, today,” he said, shaking his head. 

“Are you staying for dinner?” she asked. 

“Sure,” he replied. 

“Hope is napping,” Liv said. “She’ll be up in a half hour. Until then, you’re welcome to the tv. Noah is at dance class for another hour. I’m just going to catch up on some paperwork at the table.” He nodded, sighing as he folded himself into the seat. He wasn’t really in the mood for tv. It never seemed to take his mind off of anything anymore. Instead, he found himself stewing. He couldn’t break out of the cycle of self hatred. 

He felt useless and zapped of energy, and then he did nothing which just made him more frustrated with himself. He couldn’t seem to get any motivation or any sort of confidence back. He was simply wallowing, and he hated wallowing. He hated feeling badly. He was trying not to start crying, but his body was aching with the pain that he felt. He felt like his chest was aching, the anxiety overwhelming him, his heart pounding. 

“Rafa?” Liv’s voice was gentle. He felt the couch dip as she sat beside him. “Hey, look at me.” He forced himself to do as she asked. “What do you need right now?” She could see him spiraling. He was sure of it. 

“I--I don’t know, Liv,” he whispered. He shook his head, trying to calm down, but he couldn’t help but sob softly. 

“Okay, let’s take a deep breath,” she said softly, and he latched onto her voice, trying to listen to her carefully. “Rafael, honey, you have to breathe.” He finally managed to gasp in some air. His chest was aching. It felt tight, and his stomach was rolling. 

“Liv,” he whispered. “I’m going to be sick.” 

“Alright, let’s go to the bathroom. Keep trying to breathe,” she whispered. Her hand was gentle on his back as she guided him down the hall, and he didn’t have the energy to pull away. He felt haggard and lightheaded, gagging as he bent over the toilet. Liv was kneeling beside him, whispering in his ear. “It’s okay, I’m here with you. You’re okay.” Finally, he was able to sit down, feeling feverish as he leaned back against the wall. Liv sat beside him. 

“How about some water?” she asked gently. He shook his head. “What’s going on? Talk to me.” 

“I feel stuck,” he whispered. “Stuck in my own despair. And I haven’t been feeling well. My head hurts, and my chest feels tight.” 

“When’s the last time you went to the doctor’s office?” she asked him. He swallowed. 

“Florida,” he said. “I….I ended up in the hospital for a little bit.” He could tell she wanted to ask, but she restrained herself. “Maybe I should have that water. I’m a little dizzy.” He leaned his forehead down against his knees. 

“I’ll be right back,” Liv promised, standing and going to get him what he needed. He swallowed the Advil she brought him, and he slowly drank his glass of water. He started to feel slightly better. “Maybe we should get you an appointment,” Liv said softly. He looked away. “I’ll go with you if you need.” He didn’t say anything, pressing the heel of his hand against his forehead. “Please talk to me.” 

“I don’t….” he started, stopping short. “Liv.” 

“Alright,” she whispered. “Do you think you can get up now?” He nodded, letting her help him up. He felt shaky. Liv had him lay down on the couch, and he tried to calm himself down. When Liv returned, she had the baby in her arms, and his mood immediately improved. He sat up, too quickly, but he wanted to hold his daughter. Liv sat beside him and eased the baby into his arms. 

Hope was growing so quickly. She grabbed at his shirt, and he rubbed her back. “Hey, baby,” he murmured. “Hopey. I love you, sweetheart.” 

Hope was playing with toy keys, shaking the ring in little jerks. He couldn’t help but smile. She was so endearing and comforting. She made him think that things weren’t so hopeless after all. If they could create something so beautiful, if something as perfect as Hope could come from him, maybe he could fix himself. If he was being honest with himself, he attributed Hope to Olivia, but if she was his baby, there had to be something good inside of him.

Liv rubbed his upper arm, and he did his best not to flinch. He didn’t want to upset the baby, but she seemed to sense his shift in demeanor. Liv stopped touching him, and he felt bad. He knew she wanted to be close with him, to comfort him, and it was difficult for her, and if he could, he would do whatever it took to change it, but he was a mess. 

He wanted to touch her, to be comforted by her because she made him feel more safe than anyone he’d ever met. Liv had this knack for calming him and making him feel like nothing could touch him as long as she was there, but things had changed. She hadn’t been able to protect him, and he didn’t want to blame her for that, but he was struggling with it. He was struggling with his anger. She didn’t deserve his anger. In fact, he deserved hers without question, and he was very angry with himself, but simmering deep inside of him was that ugly anger. 

It wasn’t just anger though. Everything felt like too much. He couldn’t hurt her again. He couldn’t make her think about him that way. He didn’t want her to feel guilty. “I guess I could go see a doctor,” he whispered after a long silence. Looking at Hope, he was reminded that he needed to be at his best for her. No matter how painful it was, he needed to do everything in his power to be what Hope needed. 

“Do you want me to come with you?” Liv asked softly. Rafael wasn’t sure. He didn’t want to go alone, but he couldn’t imagine her being there with him, especially not if it was invasive. 

“Can I think about it?” he asked softly. Liv nodded. 

“I’m glad you went to see a doctor in Florida,” she said softly. “Did it help?” He twitched uncomfortably. He didn’t seem to know how to respond. 

“Yeah,” he finally said. “I wasn’t doing well. It was a step.”

“Is it worse?” she asked softly, and he looked up at her. “Now, I mean. Is it worse being back?” 

“In some ways,” he said softly, smoothing down Hope’s hair. “In some ways, it’s so much better.” 

……………………….

Rafael was outside Liv’s apartment, pacing. He wasn’t sure where she was at. She wasn’t answering his text messages, and he didn’t want to be a bother, but he needed to see his daughter. “Mr. Barba?” Lucy’s voice startled him, and he turned. She was coming to the door, Noah in tow. 

“Hi, Lucy,” he said. “I’m looking for Liv.” 

“She’s not back yet,” Lucy said. “Here, come inside. I think she’ll be home soon.” Noah glanced at him, but didn’t say anything, going inside instead. Rafael followed. Noah took a seat at the table. Rafael could feel his eyes on him, could feel Noah watching, but he didn’t know what to do. He ran his fingers through his hair, pacing again. His hands were shaking. 

“Uncle Rafa?” Noah asked, and Rafael looked at him. “Will you come help with my spelling homework?” Rafael wasn’t sure how much help he’d be. Not in this state. He took a seat at the table next to Noah. 

“What do you need help with?” he asked softly.

“Can you check these for me?” Noah asked. Rafael looked over the words, but he felt harried. Where was Liv? 

“These look good, Noah,” he said after a moment. “Wait, but this one is wrong.” He circled the word and passed it back to Noah. 

“What’s wrong with it?” Noah asked, eyebrows furrowed. 

“Oh, um…” Rafael trailed off. “You need to switch the i and the e.” Noah frowned at him, but then he nodded. 

“Do you want something to eat, Uncle Rafa?” Noah asked. “I think Mom is coming home soon.” 

“Okay,” Rafael said softly. “Thank you. Do you know where she is?” 

“I think Hope had an appointment or something,” Noah said. Rafel felt ill. An appointment? Why hadn’t Liv told him? Did she not want him there? 

Noah held out a bag of apple slices towards Rafael, and took them, feeling lightheaded. He was upset. He had already missed what felt like everything, and now he was missing more. 

He heard the door open, and he stood, forgetting the apple slices. “Noah,” Liv called, coming in the door. She saw him and smiled. “Oh, Rafa, hey. Noah, sweetheart, did you finish your homework?” 

“Yeah, it’s done,” he said. 

“Can you please take the diaper bag to Hope’s room. I need to get her bottle ready,” she said. Noah nodded, taking the bag from his mother. “Rafa, are you staying for dinner?” she asked. 

He shrugged. He didn’t want to sound accustory, but he wanted to talk to her. Why didn’t she tell him the baby had an appointment. He felt himself beginning to get worked up. He was clenching and unclenching his hands. “Liv,” he finally whispered. She looked at him, realizing he was very upset. 

“Is everything okay?” she asked. He shook his head. 

“Where were you before you got here?” he asked softly. She frowned. 

“I took Hope to the doctor’s. It wasn’t anything big. They were following up on an ear infection she had a few weeks ago,” Liv said. He turned, taking a deep breath, hands clenched tight. 

“Liv, why didn’t you tell me?” he asked. He couldn’t keep the hurt from his voice.

“I did tell you about her ear ache,” she said softly. “Last week. I told you.” 

“About the appointment,” he clarified. “Did you not want me there?” He tried to tell himself that it was okay if that was the case. He was a bad father. It wasn’t like he had any delusions saying otherwise, but he needed to know where they stood. 

“Rafael,” she said, and he couldn’t stand the pity in her voice. “Oh sweetheart, no. I didn’t think you’d want to go. It just didn’t occur to me. It was a routine check up to make sure everything was fine. I didn’t know it would be so upsetting to you. If you wanted to be there, I would have been happy to have you with me. She’s your daughter too. We’re in this together. I’m sorry.” 

“Okay,” he whispered. He was still upset though, not necessarily with Liv, but he was upset at having missed something again. “Please keep me updated. About everything.” She made like she was going to reach out and touch him, but she stopped short, knowing she shouldn’t. 

“Of course,” she said. “Do you want to hold her?” 

“Maybe I should go,” he said softly, turning. “I think I need some time to myself.” 

“No,” Liv said. “Rafael, please, don’t go. I’m so sorry. Hold your daughter. Take time with her now.” 

“Okay,” he whispered. “But um. I’m going to step outside.” 

“Promise you’re coming back,” she said softly. 

“Okay,” he said. He ran a shaky hand through his hair, heading down to the front of the building so he could smoke. He was craving it. He ran a tired hand over his forehead, lighting his cigarette and taking a puff. “Fuck,” he whispered, pacing back and forth as he smoked. “Fuck me. Why….What the fuck is wrong with me?” 

He finished, taking a few moments to pull himself together before he headed back upstairs. He took his sweater off as soon as he made it inside. He knew it wasn’t good enough. He didn’t want his bad habit to impact the health of his children, but he was having a really hard time stopping. 

He tried to always wear an outer layer when he went outside to smoke, but that only did so much. He had a nicotine patch on, but when things got really bad, he found himself turning to the cigarettes in his pocket. He wanted a glass of scotch, and he wondered if Liv would let him have one. He took Hope from Olivia then, after draping his sweater over the back of the couch. 

“Do you have scotch?” he asked softly. “I’d like a glass if you don’t mind.”

He took Hope into the living room and settled on the couch with her. He kissed Hope’s forehead. He rubbed her back softly, trying to remind himself that he wasn’t a bad father. He felt so inadequate for missing so much of her young life, and he wasn’t doing his part now. He wasn’t even taking care of Hope close to twenty five percent of the time, never mind fifty. He wanted to be with her all the time. 

Liv brought him a glass of scotch, and he took it gratefully, swallowing a long sip before setting it down on the coffee table. “Do you want to read a book?” he asked Hope softly. “Hm? How about we do it.” He reached for the book shelf beside the couch, picking out something to read to her. 

She leaned her head against him, sucking happily in her pacifier, and he found himself soothed by the act of reading to her. He could do that. He desperately wanted to be good enough to give her what she deserved because he knew what it was like to have a shitty father, and his kids needed and deserved so much better. Well, his kid. Noah wasn’t his anymore no matter how much that hurt. 

He wanted to think that things were getting better between him and Noah, but he wasn’t sure yet, and they weren’t going to be the same as they were before. Rafael squeezed Hope close, trying to take comfort in her presence. “Hey,” Liv said softly, sitting beside him. “Think you could eat a little something for me?” 

“I can try,” he said softly. “What’s for dinner?” 

“What sounds edible?” Liv asked him. 

“Nothing sounds edible anymore, Liv,” he said softly. “I can feed her if her bottle is ready,” he offered. She nodded, going to grab it for him. Liv was trying to figure out how to coax him into eating. He rarely ate more than a few bites when she gave him dinner. She decided she was going to order in from Forlini’s. Maybe the familiarity would coax him into being hungry. She ordered his favorite meal, something for herself and Noah’s spaghetti. 

Rafael was feeding Hope, content to stay like that all night if he could

……………………..

Rafael was rocking Hope in the rocking chair in her nursery. Liv had let him do as he pleased with the baby all evening, and he appreciated that. He needed it, in fact. He was treasuring his time with his baby, admiring her chubby little cheeks and sparkling green eyes. She was so incredibly beautiful, his heart was swelling with love. 

She was finally sleeping--she’d gotten fussy after her bottle, and he and Liv had spent a few hours trying to calm and comfort her. He was proud of his efforts. He felt like he was at least doing most of what he should have been doing as her father. Things weren’t perfect, but he felt better when he felt useful, and Liv was allowing him that. 

Noah’s presence had been sparse since they first saw each other, but Rafael was encouraged by his behavior. He hoped that they could maybe patch things up, even just a little bit. Rafael looked up and saw Liv standing in the doorway. “Hey,” she said softly. “How are you?” 

“I’m alright,” Rafael said. “She’s finally asleep. I’m scared to move.” 

“Mm,” she said, smiling. She was leaning against the frame. He caught her eyes, and he was hit with a huge wave of emotions. This felt like his. His family. It felt like he was where he wanted to be finally, and nothing was right or perfect, but he was there, and that had to mean something. 

“How long does it usually take you to get her to sleep?” he asked softly. He was looking down at his baby now. She was so beautiful, she reminded him of Liv and that made his heart swell. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, he was so consumed with his love for her. 

“It depends,” she whispered, and he looked up again. She was holding back. He could see it, and that broke his heart. They used to lay in bed at night and whisper about their troubles and their dreams. He used to be able to make her laugh constantly. She used to make him smile so big, his cheeks would hurt and he’d feel that bone deep sense of joy and contentment. He used to hold her when she cried after a long day at work, and she would rock him in the shower and wash his hair when he was too exhausted to do it for himself. Now, everything was wrong. “You’re doing so well with her,” she whispered. She came to stand beside the rocking chair. 

“How do I get her into the crib?” he asked softly. “I don’t want to wake her.” 

“Gently,” Liv said softly. “Just be slow and careful. She shouldn’t wake up then.” He stood as slowly as he could, trying not to jostle Hope at all. He wanted to keep her steady. He was slow and gentle as he eased her into the crib. She shifted, and he worried for a moment that she was awake, but she didn’t open her eyes. She started sucking on her hand, and he found himself looking down at her, feeling like he was so complete but so empty all at once. He felt Liv beside him, behind him, wanting to wrap her arms around him. 

He wanted to let her. More than anything, he wanted to stand there, in her arms, watching their baby sleep. Even the simple thought of it felt so right. He was upset though, and his body ached with it. The evening with Hope had soothed some of the sting, but he was still hurting. He was angry, mostly with himself, thinking about how long he’d been gone, how long Liv had been alone. “Can we go out to the couch?” he asked finally, taking one last look at Hope. “Goodnight, Gordita. I love you.” 

He followed Liv out to the living room, past Noah’s dark room, and they sat down. She could obviously see he was upset. He scrubbed his hand over his face, feeling exhausted. “Liv,” he whispered. “I cannot miss any more of Hope’s life.” She was quiet, letting him say his piece. “I missed her birth,” he whispered, his voice breaking, eyes filling with tears. “I missed her ultrasounds. I missed bringing her home. I missed watching her grow for six months. I missed  _ everything _ , Liv, and I cannot miss any more. Please. I’m begging you. I need you to tell me things because I don’t want to miss anything else.” 

She was quiet for a few moments. “I understand,” she finally said. “I promise you, it wasn’t intentional.” She was quiet for a few more beats. “Come with me for a second. I want to show you something.” He paused a moment before standing up and following her back to her bedroom. “Sit down,” she said softly. He took a seat, waiting. He had no idea what she was planning on showing him. She set a box beside him, moving to sit next to it and looking at him. “I saved these for you,” she said softly. “Incase you came back. I wanted them to be here.” She handed him her computer, typing in the password. “You don’t have to watch, but everything I could save is in there if you want it.” He looked at her curiously, not quite comprehending. 

He took the lid from the box, and there were a few flash drives inside. There were stacks of photos printed for him, and a few various baby keepsakes. He pulled out the paper with Hope’s foot and hand prints on it, finding himself starting to smile. He set it aside, spotting two hospital wrist bands in the box. He pulled them out, feeling emotional. He could picture himself there with them, sitting beside Liv and holding her hand, watching his daughter come into the world, holding her for the first time. He could picture it all. 

With a shaky breath, he set the bands aside, grabbing one of the flash drives. He took a deep breath before plugging it into the computer. He had to take a deep breath when he saw the labeling on the video files. “You filmed it?” He asked softly, looking at her. 

“I had hope,” she whispered. “That I would be able to show it to you.” He felt himself beginning to feel emotional. He wasn’t sure if he had the strength to watch it now, not tonight. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, his voice breaking. He was glad it was there, waiting for when he was ready to watch. He clicked open a different file, turning the sound up. He saw the camera focus on a much smaller Hope, and he found his eyes stinging with tears. Liv’s voice was soft, and Rafael found himself unable to tear his eyes away from his daughter. 

_ “Hopey,” Liv said softly. “Hey sweet girl, can you smile for me?”  _ Hope looked at the camera.  _ “Come on, Hope, smile for Mama, come on.”  _

When he saw her little smile, the tears flowed over, and he had to click the space bar, to pause and rise to his feet. “I’ll be back,” he said softly. “I need to go to the restroom.” 

He was breathing shakily as he shut himself in the bathroom. He pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead. “Fuck,” he whispered to himself. He was so emotional. He had thought that all that time, all of Hope’s growth, was lost forever. He thought that he would never see it, but there it was, sitting right there for him. His chest was aching. Despite everything he had put Olivia through, she still came through for him. She thought about him and made sure to save him key moments in his daughter’s life. He was so grateful. 

…………….

Rafael never wanted to shut the computer, but it was getting late, and he was exhausted. “I should go,” he whispered. 

“Stay,” Liv whispered. “Stay the night. I’ll text Rita.” 

“Okay,” he whispered. He was so tired, and it was tempting to be there when Hope was asleep, to help when she woke up. He didn’t have the emotional fortitude to watch the video of Hope’s birth. He would save that for another time. “Thank you for saving this for me,” he whispered. “I don’t deserve you.” 

“Hush,” Liv whispered. “Come on. I’ll get you a pillow.” She grabbed his pillow from the bed, and the blanket he usually slept with during the winter, and Rafael followed her to the couch. “Your clothes are still in the bedroom, and your toothbrush is in the bathroom, so if you go brush your teeth, I’ll get you something to wear to sleep.” 

“Okay,” he whispered. 

When he was changed and ready for bed, he sat on the couch. He took a deep breath. He needed to sleep. He would crumble if he continued to lose sleep; he knew it was essential to his mental health, but he was finding it problematic to stay asleep when his dreams were so tumultuous. “Do you need anything?” Liv asked him softly, coming into the room. 

“No,” he said softly. “Thank you,” he paused before looking up at her, seriously, “For everything.” 

“I’ll be in the bedroom if you need anything,” Liv said softly. She lifted her hand as if to touch him, paused, and then she lowered it. “Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight,” he replied, laying down. The light turned out, and he thought about how he could have been in bed with Liv. He wouldn’t ask her now, not after everything, and he wasn’t really sure he could handle it anyways, but he could have been in her bed, holding her. They could have been together, but now everything was messed up, and he found himself on the couch, wishing that he could simply sleep through the night. He couldn’t dwell though, so he shut his eyes, and tried to relax. 

…………………….

Liv wasn’t sure what she was hearing, not at first at least, but it only took her moments to realize it was Rafael’s voice. She was up to her feet in moments. When she made it to the couch, she saw him sitting up, his shoulders hunched, his chest heaving. He wasn’t screaming anymore though.

It wasn’t necessarily the first time she’d seen him having a nightmare. He had trouble with them every now and then, but all he usually needed to feel better was a warm cup of coffee and an evening of snuggling. She’d never seen him this shaken, not before this whole mess anyways. He was trembling, his face so white, she might have thought he’d seen a ghost. She didn’t want to startle him, so she was slow in her approach, sitting down on the cushion beside him. “Hey,” she said softly. 

He looked at her, but he seemed lost, and she wanted nothing more than to gather him close to try and fix this, but she knew that would only make things worse. 

“Try to breathe,” she whispered. “You’re safe. You’re in my apartment. Nothing bad will happen here.” He had a hand shoved in his hair, slumping over, elbows resting against his knees. His body started to tremble, and Liv felt helpless to stop it. She didn’t know what to do, and it was so foreign and terrifying to her. She needed to fix this somehow, to help him, but she had nothing. She took a deep breath. “Rafael,” she said, “What can I do right now?” 

“I--I don’t know,” he whispered, his voice soft and so broken that her heart was breaking with it. 

“How about we turn the light on?” Liv asked softly. “And I’ll make you something warm to drink. Does that sound okay?” 

“Just sit here with me for a minute please,” he whispered, still curled in on himself. Liv did as he asked unsure of how she was supposed to help him, but all she could do was what he said, so she tried. She was patient and quiet, sitting close enough that he knew she was there, but not so close that she was touching him. She could see his shoulders tremble. 

“Rafael,” she whispered, her voice soft. “Can you look at me? I want you to look around the room.” He hesitated, but he did lift his head, looking at her. She could see the pain in his eyes, and she felt like her heart was breaking. “Look, see the picture of you, me and Noah on the wall, the picture of Hope. We’re in the apartment. You’re alright. I know you’re thinking about bad things, but try to think about all of the good times we’ve had together.” 

He nodded, but he looked haunted. “You can go if you want,” he said softly. “You don’t have to stay here with me. I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Shush,” Liv said. “I’m going to make you that drink. Try to get comfortable.” He leaned into the corner of the couch, and Liv wanted to drape the blanket over his shoulders, but she didn’t. She went into the kitchen and started some hot water. She thought about making him coffee, but he was already so tired. She wanted him to fall back asleep, so she thought hot cocoa would be better; she knew he was a sucker for anything chocolate. 

When she was finished with the mugs of hot chocolate, she took them both to the couch where Rafael was sitting. His face was damp, and all she wanted to do was wipe his tears away and make it better, but she handed him the mug instead. He took it with trembling hands. “How about I put something on tv? Does that sound alright?” 

He nodded again. He had his legs pulled up on the couch, one bent underneath him, the other laying flat on the couch. His foot was next to her lap. Any other time, she would pull his foot into her lap, hand resting on his ankle for casual contact, and her heart ached when she realized she couldn’t do that now. 

He seemed like he was in a daze, staring at the tv, but he wasn’t really watching or reacting. He was slowly sipping his drink, and Liv couldn’t take her eyes from him. He looked so much smaller and so scared; Rafael rarely looked truly scared. It was jarring to see him this way, to see how much he was really struggling. He looked so tired everyday, and she had to think that he was barely sleeping. 

Once he finished his drink, Liv took it and set it in the sink. “Do you want to try and sleep again?” she asked softly. 

“There’s no point,” he whispered, sounding miserable. “I need to smoke. Will you come outside with me?” 

“Sure,” Liv said softly. He pulled a jacket on, heading down to the street, and she followed, baby monitor in hand. She hated watching him smoke. It just made her think about how much he was hurting. 

He looked relaxed as he smoked his cigarette; it didn’t fix everything, but he looked a little bit better. He was quiet the whole time, trailing her back upstairs when he finished. Liv grabbed his pillow, settling on the couch and putting it in her lap. She patted it. “Lay down.” He looked at her, the discomfort and nervousness breaking her heart. “Trust me,” she said softly. “I want you to try and sleep again. I’ll be right here with you.” He hesitated, but after a moment, he did as she asked, slowly laying his head on the pillow. Liv was careful to stay still and not jostle him or touch him as he tried to relax. She wanted to relax him rather than startle him. 

He shut his eyes, and Liv could see that he was trying his best to relax and fall asleep, but he was squirming every few minutes. He only lasted five minutes, and by the end of it, his muscles were tense. He shot up, shaking his head. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I can’t. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize,” Liv whispered. “It’s okay. I know. Is there anything that might help?” 

“Can I have a sweatshirt?” he asked softly. “I’m cold.” 

“Of course. I’ll be right back. You’ll be okay alone for a few moments?” she asked, standing. He nodded. He wasn’t meeting her eyes. 

When she came back, he took the sweatshirt gratefully, slipping into it. It would usually have been snug on him, and it did pull at his shoulders, but it fit him better than it should have. “You don’t have to stay up. Get some sleep. I’ll be alright. I’m used to it.” 

“Rafa,” she said softly. “I don’t want you to have to be out here all alone.” 

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “I’ll take care of Hope. You deserve it.” Liv was hesitant, but she did as he asked, wishing she could kiss him goodnight or at least hug him. 

“Come find me if you need anything,” she said softly before going back towards her bedroom. 

…………………………..

When Liv woke up, she felt well rested for the first time in a long time. She almost didn’t want to get out of bed, but she needed to make sure Noah had breakfast, and she had to check on Rafael. She slowly sat up and rearranged her hair to make herself look presentable. When she made it out to the kitchen, Rafael was sitting on the couch, giving Hope a bottle. Noah was at the table, eating cereal, and everything was calmer than she expected. 

“Morning, Mom,” Noah said. 

“Morning, sweet boy. I know Lucy is coming to take you to school soon, but I was thinking, maybe later we can go to the park,” Liv said. 

“Really?” Noah asked, his face lighting up. 

“Really,” Liv promised. It had been awhile since they made it to the park. It was hard enough to pack Noah and Hope up to go to the grocery store much less the park, but she was feeling rested for once, and it didn’t feel so impossible. “Now finish eating. Lucy will be here soon.” She headed over to where Rafael was sitting, laying a hand on his shoulder. He flinched. “Sorry. How are you?” 

“Okay,” he said softly. She sat beside him. 

“Did you get any sleep?” Liv asked. She was almost positive the answer was no based on the dark bags under his eyes. He shook his head. 

“I can’t close my eyes,” he whispered. “It’s okay though. Hope and I are having an okay time. I’m glad I stayed. Thanks.” 

“Of course,” Liv said. “Will you have some breakfast?” 

“I’ll try something,” he replied. 

“Does anything sound good?” she asked. He shrugged. “Alright, I’m going to make you some pancakes.” 

He barely ate ten bites of his breakfast, but she saw him trying, and anything was worth the effort. She needed to get him eating regularly again. She left him alone to get a shower after he finished eating, and she spent some time playing with Hope on the floor after Noah left. She was glad that Fin was covering for her at the office. She needed the personal day. She wanted to keep an eye on Rafael for the time being, and if she was being honest with herself, she was exhausted. 

Rafael looked a little less haggard after he was done in the shower. He ate some lunch, and when Liv was making Hope another bottle, he startled her. “Hey,” he said, making her jump. 

“Jesus, I didn’t realize you were there,” she said. 

“Sorry,” he whispered. “Um, will you sit with me while I watch more of the videos you saved for me?” 

“Yeah, of course,” Liv said. “Let me just finish getting Hope’s bottle ready.” He nodded, wandering back toward her bedroom where they’d left the laptop. When she went back to where he was, he was waiting, sitting on the bed. She smiled at him, sitting on the bed beside him. He took a moment to kiss their daughter’s forehead before letting Liv settle in to feed her. He took a few moments before he clicked on the video file, and Liv was glad he wanted to watch it. 

Watching herself go through that wasn’t something she was very interested in, especially not when it made her think about how much she had been missing him. Rafael’s attention was rapt. He was quiet, but she could tell he was trying not to get too emotional. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he whispered. 

“It’s okay. You didn’t know,” Liv whispered. He reached for her hand, and she held his. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Were you scared?” She paused a second, considering how she wanted to respond. 

“A little. I wasn’t sure how I would handle a baby and Noah, and I was worried about you. I won’t lie to you. It wasn’t easy, but you’re here now, with us, and everything is okay. I’m happy, Rafa,” she said. 

“Okay,” he whispered. “Um, when….when did you find out?” 

“After our first conjugal visit,” Liv whispered. He looked down at his lap, and he took a deep breath. 

“I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell me,” he said softly. “I wish I could have supported you.” 

“Stop apologizing,” Liv said softly. “We’re past that. You’re here now, supporting me.” He turned the video back on. Liv wished that she had Carisi edit it down more, but she knew Rafael would want to see all of it. They stopped periodically, Liv checking in with him and making him eat something small. He seemed to be holding up fairly well though, all things considered. 

It was difficult to watch the moments when she was emotional, to see and remember the pain that she had been in. She was surprised by how much she didn’t remember. Logically, it made sense, but she definitely didn’t remember this. She was holding onto Fin’s hand, leaning into his shoulder and crying while he rubbed her back. Hearing herself ask him to call Rafael—that hurt. She almost wanted to throttle Carisi for keeping the camera on for that, but she knew he had just been following her orders. Rafael was looking at his lap. 

“Rafa,” she whispered. “Listen, you don’t have to watch this. I was emotional and hormonal. I’m okay. I don’t want you obsessing over this.” He just squeezed her hand. 

She could see how emotional he was when they finally made it to the end. “Liv,” he whispered, watching as she held Hope for the first time, and she looked at him. “You’re the strongest person I know. You didn’t deserve to have to do that without me, but you did it anyways, and you’ve done such an incredible job with her and with Noah.”

“Thanks,” she whispered. “That means a lot.” 

“I know you said no more apologies, but can I please say one more thing?” He asked. 

“Okay,” she said softly. 

“You don’t need me. You didn’t need me then and you don’t need me now, but I know you wanted me there, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t. Thank you for letting me into her life now,” he said, and Liv squeezed his hand again, trying not to cry. 

“Thank you,” she whispered. “No matter what, I do still love you. I hope you know that.”

“I love you too,” he whispered. In that moment, he felt like he could be whole again. 

…………………………………..

Liv had just finished cooking when Rafael came over. She was nervous. She wanted him to like it so badly--not to make herself feel good but to make him eat. She couldn’t wait to see his reaction. When she opened the door, he offered her a shy smile before following her inside. He went straight to Hope’s room, and Liv smiled. He was starting to get their routine down. She started getting plates out, and when Rafael appeared, Hope in his arms, he paused. “Is that…..ropa vieja?” he asked after a second. Liv smiled. 

“Just for you,” she said. His eyes looked watery all of the sudden. 

“Liv, you didn’t have to do that,” he said. 

“I wanted to,” she promised. She dished some food onto his plate and helped him get situated at the table with Hope next to him in her highchair. When she sat down next to him, he looked at her. 

“How?” he asked softly. “How did you know?” 

“I called your mom,” she admitted, and he paused. 

“She talked to you?” he asked, swallowing a bite of food. 

“Rafael, she wants to see you,” Liv said. He stopped eating all together, turning away, and Liv knew he was beginning to cry. 

“Really?” he whispered. 

“Yeah, really. I can call her for you when you’re ready. You don’t have to do it alone,” Liv said. He nodded, taking another bite. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “I’m touched.” He kept eating, and that was the biggest thanks Liv could have ever gotten. 

Noah came out halfway through dinner, sitting at the table. She had pizza for him, knowing he wouldn’t want what she made for dinner. “Hi Uncle Rafa,” he said softly, and Rafael smiled at him. Liv was impressed with how much Rafael ate, and she was very pleased by it. Making dinner had definitely been worth her time and effort. 

Rafael took Hope into the living room, taking a seat on the floor. She was fussy though suddenly, and he was trying to calm her down. Liv watched as Noah slowly went towards Rafael who was doing his best to calm the baby down, but it wasn’t going exactly like he wanted it to. He was doing his best to calm her down, but she was sobbing. Liv wanted to help him, but she knew he wanted to get the hang of this, and she needed to let him try. 

Rafael tried rocking her, and he gave her the pacifier, but she spit it out. Watching him with their baby reminded her of that first time he held Noah. He looked so much better with Hope, holding her cradled against his shoulder. He was a little bit stiff, still nervous around the baby, but he looked better every day. 

“She likes it when you sing,” Noah said, walking over to him. “Or she might be bored. Sometimes she likes to stack blocks or do puzzles.” 

“She’s old enough for a puzzle?” Rafael asked. 

“I usually do most of the work. She likes the pictures,” Noah said. “And sticking the pieces in her mouth. Here I’ll show you.” 

Liv was proud of Noah. He was trying. She knew he was still skeptical, but he was practically holding out an olive branch of sorts. Noah sat on the floor next to Rafael, fitting the pieces together, There were only about six of them, and Hope was gnawing on one of the corner pieces. Rafael was smiling. He was obviously relieved that Hope had stopped crying. 

Liv was almost overcome watching them all together. She sat beside them on the floor, and enjoyed her small family finally feeling somewhat whole. The uneventful and calm evening continued until Noah finally went to sleep. Rafael rocked the baby to sleep, and Liv let him soak up all the time he wanted with Hope. “I almost don’t want to leave,” he whispered. 

Liv smiled. She knew he did his best to spend his time at her place; he always wanted to be with his daughter, and she tried to accommodate ehim. When he watched Hope for her, it was really helpful, and while she knew he was still struggling constantly, he had shown the ability to care for their child. She trusted him. “Rafa, do you want more time with her?” He looked up at her. 

“I want whatever time I can get,” he said softly. “I’m grateful for whatever you’ll give me.” 

“Would you like to have her with you for a few nights a week?” she asked. He swallowed. 

“Liv,” he said softly, looking down briefly before looking at her once more. “I don’t want to take her from you. I know that I’m somewhat of an outsider right now because of my own actions.”

“You’re not an outsider,” Liv said. “You’re her father, and you aren’t taking her from me. Rafael, I’m always tired. I love her and I love Noah, but you taking the baby for a few nights wouldn’t hurt me. I think it would be good for both of us. You would be helping me and helping yourself.” 

“I won’t say no to more time with my daughter. I just don’t want to step on your toes. You don’t need to go through anymore pain because of me,” Rafael said, and Liv laid a hand on his shoulder. He forced himself not to flinch, but she felt the way his muscles tensed, letting him go. 

“Sorry,” she whispered. “Sounds good though. We’ll make a schedule. You’re going to need to get something for her to sleep in though unless you want to drag furniture back and forth from here.” 

“I’ll get something tomorrow. Thank you Liv. I really appreciate it,” he said. “I appreciate your understanding and your willingness to help me. I haven’t made anything easy on you.” 

“What can I say,” Liv said. “I love you.” His eyes were shining. 

“I love you too,” he said. 

………………………………

Liv was standing outside of Rita’s door, waiting for her or Rafael to answer the door. Rafael had called in the morning, letting her know he wouldn’t be over that evening after all, and she just wanted to check on him. She also wanted to check in with Rita about the lawsuit they were filing. Rafael deserved the money, but she knew he was hesitant, and Rita was doing her best to not push him. 

Rita finally opened the door. “Liv,” she said. “Sorry. Come in. Rafael is in his bedroom. I don’t think he’s feeling well. I haven’t seen much of him today.” 

“I had a question for you actually before I go and talk to him,” Liv said. 

“What can I do for you?” Rita asked. “Wine?” 

“No, thank you though,” Liv said. “I was wondering if you’ve asked Rafael about the civil suit.” 

“He doesn’t want to talk about it. He shuts down every time I try,” Rita said. Liv sighed. He deserved to be compensated for what happened. She hoped the criminal suit would fuel the civil suit if they could convict Taylor. She wanted to check in with him about that part as well. Court dates were coming up, sooner than he probably liked, but they needed to figure out what they were going to do. He needed to prepare himself. 

“I’m going to head back there. Let me know if anything changes,” Liv said. Rita nodded. 

His door was closed, so she knocked. There was no answer. Liv wanted to give him his space, but at the same time, she didn’t feel comfortable leaving him in there all alone. Not when Rita hadn’t seen him all day. “Rafa, I’m coming in,” she called before slowly opening the door. The room was dark, and she was careful and slow as she went inside. She saw his huddled figure in the corner. She couldn’t see his face. He was hiding it against his knees, scrunched up and small. She approached him slowly. “Rafa,” she whispered. 

“Liv?” he asked, his voice sounding slurred and drowsy. He looked up at her, his eyes practically glazed over. His face looked shiny and pale in the dimly lit room. 

“Raf,” she said softly. “Hold still. I’m going to feel your forehead, okay?” He nodded, his eyes drooping as she pressed the back of her hand against his head. He was clammy and hot, and she wanted to take his actual temperature. He seemed confused and a bit hazy, pulling back from her hand. His body was shaking, and at first she thought he had the chills, but his cheeks were damp with more than sweat. “Can you sit up?” she asked. He swayed slightly as he lowered his legs flat on the ground, straightening his back and sitting up. Liv gently grabbed the hem of his shirt, wanting to strip him out of his warm clothes. She needed to cool him down. 

“No,” he said, his voice practically a whimper, and she felt her heart ache. 

“Rafael, look at me. It’s Liv,” she said firmly. 

“Please don’t,” he said. “Please stop.” Tears were beginning to roll down his cheeks, and she stopped. 

“Honey, look,” she said, and his eyes met hers. She hated the anguish that she saw. “Can you take your shirt off. I won’t touch. You do it. I want to cool you down. You’re burning up.” 

“Kay,” he mumbled, struggling as he tried to get his arms out of the sleeves. It was clumsy, but he managed to strip out of it. She turned on the soft light of the lamp beside his bed, and the red flush across his chest was spreading. She pushed the sweaty hair back from his forehead. 

“Sit on the bed for me,” Liv said softly. He stumbled to his feet, barely managing to stay upright, and he sat on the edge of the bed. “Stay here. I’ll be right back, okay?” He nodded, his head lolling forward slightly. 

Liv filled him a glass of water, and Rita found her some Tylenol to give him. When she went back in the room, he was slumped over, but he was still awake. She managed to get him to swallow the pills, carefully pulling his pants off and leaving them in the pile on the ground with his shirt. She cringed when she saw the scarring on his side, wanting to run her fingers over it and take all the hurt away. Liv made him finish the glass of water before she let him lay down. He was clearly sleepy. 

He looked like a little boy, curled up on the bed in the soft light that streamed through the window. She had turned the light off so he could try to get some rest. She had a cool, damp cloth that she laid across his forehead, trying to cool him down. He was looking at her through half lidded eyes, laying on his side. “Hi,” he whispered, a goofy, crooked smile on his face. 

“Hi,” she said, laughing softly. “You can go to sleep if you’re tired.” 

“Mmm,” he hummed, blinking. He was going to fall asleep very soon. “Thanks for coming. I was sad.” 

“I’ll always come,” she whispered. “You can always call me when you’re sad.” He gave her another silly smile before he shut his eyes for real. His hair was so damp that it was curling at the ends. She just wanted to run her fingers through it, but she didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. She texted Lucy, letting her know she would be home late, settling in to wait until he woke up. 

………………………………

Rafael blinked, his head aching. He felt hot and cold all at once, and it was so uncomfortable. His vision was hazy. He groaned, closing them again. “Hey.” That was Liv’s voice. “Are you okay?” 

“Mmm, getting there. I don’t remember you getting here,” he said softly. 

“You were a little out of it. What happened today?” Liv asked him. He opened his eyes again. 

“It’s been a long day,” he said softly. “I woke up sick. I didn’t want to get anyone sick, so I just mostly stayed in here.” 

“Have you eaten anything?” Liv asked him. He shook his head. “Well, I’m going to get you something. Can you sit up? I want you to drink some water in the meantime.” 

He slowly eased himself up, leaning back against the pillows. He had to close his eyes from the dizziness. He heard Liv leave the room, but she wasn’t gone long, handing him a cool glass of water. He slowly sipped it. 

“I like the bassinet,” she said, and he smiled. 

“I put it together yesterday,” he said softly. 

“I wanted to talk to you about a few things actually,” Liv said. He looked at her, his worry in his eyes. “I just want to talk. Have you thought more about going for an appointment? I’d like it if you would get a check up.” He paused a moment. 

“I’ll do it,” he finally said. Liv was proud of him. She knew he was uncomfortable with it, but he saw the reason that she was asking. 

“I also want to talk to you about the smoking,” she said softly. He looked ashamed as soon as she mentioned it. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“Rafa,” Liv said softly. “I’m not mad. Don’t apologize. I just want to talk.” 

“I need to stop,” he said. “I know that. It’s not good for Hope or for Noah or for me, but it’s so hard, Liv. They help so much when I’m anxious.”

“I know you’re trying. It’s a difficult habit to kick. I just want you to talk to the doctor about it. We’ll figure this out together. I just don’t want anything to happen to you or for it to affect our kids. I can be patient with you, but I want to know that you’re going to try and quit.” 

“I promise,” he said softly. 

They were interrupted by a knock on the bedroom door. Rita poked her head in. “Here’s the food you ordered,” she said, holding a bag up. Liv took it from her, paying her for the take out and then taking the soup over to the bed where Rafael was resting. She opened up the soup, handing it to him with a spoon. 

“Try and eat this for me,” Liv said. Rafael took a bite. 

“I called my Mom,” he said softly. Liv smiled at him. 

“That’s great, Rafa. How was it?” she asked him. 

“I’m glad I did,” he replied. “Thank you. It meant a lot for her to tell me that she knew I was innocent. I thought she hated me now.” He had to swallow his tears back, and he took a moment to calm down. “She wants to bring me dinner tomorrow. It’ll be good for me to see her.”

“I’m so glad,” Liv said. “You deserve to be happy right now.” 

Rafael ate his soup quietly, and Liv made him continue to drink water. “Thanks for checking on me. I should have taken some medicine earlier.” 

She smiled. She didn’t want to upset him, not when he was in a good mood for the time being, but she needed to talk to him about testifying and the pending civil trial. He needed to start preparing himself. She let him finish his soup. “Do you want to grab a shower? I have a few more things to talk about then.”

“Yeah, I think a cool shower would help,” he said. “Then we can talk.”

Liv hated putting him through anymore pain, but she knew he wouldn’t feel safe until that bastard was off the streets. What happened to her husband shouldn’t ever happen again, and she knew he wanted to help make sure that was the reality. She wanted to make Taylor suffer. She’d never felt such rage against someone, not since Lewis at least. The pain that Taylor had put Rafael through--jail wasn’t good enough, but it was their only recourse, so she wanted to ensure that he ended up there for the rest of his life. 

When Rafael came back, he had just a towel around his waist, and she could see just how thin he was. His waist was tiny, and she swore she could see his ribs poking out of his skin. She’d never seen him look so unhealthy and thin. He hesitated by the dresser, peeking back at her. “Can you….” he twitched nervously for a second. “Can you look away? Please.” Liv did as he asked, waiting until he came back to the bed and sat down. His hair was still damp, and he was dressed in loose clothing. “What are we talking about?” he asked finally. 

She could tell he was nervous, and she wanted to make him feel better, but she knew she was likely only going to make it worse. “We’re talking about Taylor,” she said softly. He looked away almost immediately. 

“I don’t really want to talk about him,” he said softly, toying with the corner of the blanket on his bed. 

“I know you don’t,” Liv said. “I’ll make it quick.” His jaw was clenched, and he wasn’t looking at her any more. His breathing had picked up; it was a minute change, but one she noticed. “The trial, Rafa, it’s coming up soon. We’re going to need to meet with the DA on the case. Rita can set it all up, but you need to start preparing.” 

“I don’t know if I can go through with this, Liv. My chest feels so tight whenever I think about it,” he said. 

“I know you can do it. It won’t be easy, but Rita and I are going to be here with you the whole time, okay?” she said. He nodded. 

“Is that it?” he asked. 

“Unfortunately no,” she said back. He stood, starting to pace a little bit. His hands were clenched. “I want to talk about a lawsuit against the city. Rita has it all ready.” 

“Liv,” he whispered. “That makes me feel dirty. Like I’m being paid for what happened.” 

“Rafa,” she said, “You know it isn’t like that. They owe you money, compensation for the time they stole from you, the abuse.”

“I don’t know,” he whispered. “That means a second trial.” He scrubbed his hand across his face. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” 

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to upset you, but I want you to think about this. I know it isn’t easy, but we have evidence. I need you to give it some thought,” Liv said. 

He turned away from her, leaning into the wall and wrapping his arms around himself. She saw his shoulders beginning to shake. “Rafa, I’m sorry,” she said, standing. “I’m not trying to push, but you deserve justice. They can’t give you time back. They can’t take away what happened, but they can give you money.” 

“I just want to curl up in a hole and die, Liv,” he whispered. “Sometimes, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror because it hurts so badly that I can’t breathe. All I can see are the bruises he left on my skin. I was covered in them. I could barely walk. Some days, I just laid in the bed in my cell and tried to remember how to breathe through all the pain. I thought I was going to die when he broke my ribs.” Liv’s heart ached with every break in his voice. “I don’t want to talk about it or think about or be paid for it. It just hurts.” It was the most he’d talked about anything that happened to him, and she felt fiercely protective of him. She knew it wasn’t easy for him to talk about this, especially when he was talking to her for whatever reason. She wanted to gather him close and never let him go. 

“Rafa,” she whispered, moving closer to him. He sagged back into her, and she was surprised, but she held him anyways. He only lasted a few seconds, but she squeezed him tight while he would let her. 

“Liv,” he whispered, pulling back. He collapsed down to the floor, leaning into the wall, and she sat next to him. He was breathing heavily again. 

“Shhh, just take a breath. It’s alright,” Liv said softly. “You know, Rita said before the city might want to settle with you. You wouldn’t have to go through a second trial. I think it would be good if you thought about it.” 

He was covering his face, breath hitching as he tried to calm down. He finally managed to stop, but he looked exhausted then, sitting on the floor, his face blank like he was numb. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” she promised, hoping that would be a comfort to him. 

“Stay,” he whispered. 

“As long as you need,” she promised. 

…………………………..

Rafael seemed nervous. He was shaking slightly as Liv handed him the diaper bag. He slung it over his shoulder, looked down at the car seat beside him, a hint of terror in his eyes. “You’ll do fine. I put a list of numbers in the bag. Her pediatrician’s number in there, and you can always call me if you have questions.” He nodded. “You’re great with her. You’ll be fine. There’s a schedule too. If you stick to it, she’ll be in a better mood.” 

“Does Noah want to say goodbye before I go?” he asked. 

“He’s at dance class,” Liv replied. “He might talk to her on the phone later if you call. Now go on. You’re gonna be great.” Rafael took a deep breath before picking up the carseat and heading out on his own. It felt incredibly daunting to take care of Hope all on his own. He could barely care for himself at the moment, but he knew he would be better about taking care of her. He was still scared though, unsure of his own capability. 

He wanted to do well. He wanted to be a good father to her, but he was still figuring out how to do that. She was quiet at the moment, in a good mood, and he secured the carseat into the Lyft, hoping her mood would last. Rita was in the kitchen when he made it in the apartment, and her eyes went wide when she saw he had a baby in tow. “No, Barba, I did not agree to let you bring your screaming baby here.” 

“Too bad,” he said, raising an eyebrow and challenging her to actually kick him out. 

“I have court early tomorrow. And I’m not changing any diapers,” she said, glaring. He took the carseat back to his room, unbuckling Hope from it and holding her. He sat the diaper bag down on the bed as well. He was alone now, responsible for a whole human being, and that felt like so much pressure, but he wanted desperately to be capable. 

Hope was happy and quiet until after dinner time when she started to get fussy. He had been playing with her on the floor, but he picked her up when she started to cry. Usually holding her and rocking would quiet her down, but she wasn’t stopping. He tried her pacifier, but she spit it back out, and he was beginning to feel desperate. He tried everything--feeding her, rocking her, burping her, changing her, but nothing was making any difference. He knew that Liv said she could get really fussy, but he’d never been in this situation before, and he wasn’t sure what to do or how to fix it. 

He was ashamed, but he broke down and called Liv, practically in tears. He hated that Hope was upset and he couldn’t fix it. He was harried, but holding himself together by a thread. “Rafa?” Liv asked. 

“Yeah, I need help,” he said. 

“Rafael, take a breath. What’s wrong?” Liv asked him, her voice calming. Even talking to her for a moment made him feel better. 

“Hope won’t stop crying. I feel like I’ve tried everything. I don’t know what to do anymore,” Rafael said. He was sure Liv could hear Hope sobbing in the other room. Rita was holding her for him while he was on the phone. 

“Okay, it’s alright. She’s a fussy baby. It’s not your fault. What have you tried? Can you tell me when she started crying. I’m going to talk you through this,” Liv said. He was feeling some of the panic receding. 

“She was good all afternoon. After I ate and gave her a bottle, she started crying when we were playing on the floor. I’ve tried burping her, another bottle, rocking her. I tried changing her diaper. I’m not sure what else to try,” he said. His head was aching. 

“Barba, take your screaming child,” Rita sounded stressed, and he turned to look as she came in the door of the bedroom, holding Hope like she was a grenade about to explode. He took Hope, wishing he could fix this. Her little red face, cheeks streaked with tears, made his heart hurt. 

“Try taking her for a walk. She likes that,” Liv said. “And singing calms her down.”

“Okay, thanks,” he said. 

“You’ve got this,” Liv whispered. “You know what you’re doing. Call back if she’s still not calming down, and tell Rita to take a Xanax.” Rafael laughed at that. He hung up, getting ready to take her for a walk. He sang her a soft lullaby that his mother used to sing to him, and slowly but surely, she calmed down. As he put her in her crib for the night, he thought about Liv having to try and juggle Noah and Hope at the same time all on her own. All of her advice was from experience that she gained all alone, and he wished that wasn’t the case. He wished that he hadn’t left her all alone like that because she deserved better.

……………………………

Liv smiled as she let Rafael in. He was bringing Hope home after his first night of having her on his own. She was proud of him, and she felt well rested. It was going to be a good arrangement for the both of them for the time being. “How do you feel?” she asked. 

“Pretty good,” he said, smiling. For once, it seemed to reach his eyes. “She’s a handful. You’re my hero, Liv. I don’t know how you do it every day.” She smiled at him. 

“You’ll get there. You’re already a natural,” Liv said. He shrugged noncommittally. “Come in, stay for brunch. Noah and I ordered in, and we ordered way too much food.”

“Sure,” he said softly. “She needs a bottle soon. I can do it if you want.” 

“Sounds good,” Liv said, helping him bring everything in and set it down. He unbuckled Hope from her carseat, letting Liv hold her for a second. She kissed the top of her Baby’s head. While it had been nice to have a break for the evening, she missed Hope. 

Rafael took her back then, starting to give her the bottle. She ate happily, but as soon as he finished feeding her, she started crying. 

“Mom?” Noah’s voice startled her as he came out of his bedroom. She saw the moment he saw his sister, and his face lit up for a second. “Hope!” he yelled, but then he saw Rafael, and he seemed to register that Hope was crying, and his smile quickly twisted into an angry glare. “You took her!” Noah said, shoving Rafael. “She’s  _ my _ sister. You left.” Rafael stumbled back for a second, looking shell shocked, and Liv couldn’t believe Noah would do that. “Just go away and let us be happy.” 

“Noah,” Liv said, her voice serious. “You don’t talk to Rafa that way.” 

Noah’s glower grew deeper, but it was directed at her this time. “He doesn’t get to take her away, Mom. It’s not fair.” She saw real hurt in Noah’s eyes, and he started to cry. Her heart broke. He shoved Rafael again slightly. “I  _ hate  _ you.” he said, running to his room. Liv didn't even know where to start. She had thought they were past this, that Noah was finally understanding, but he was apparently far more upset than he’d let on before. 

Rafael was standing beside the couch, his hand balanced on the back of it. He was still holding Hope. “Rafa,” she said softly. “Are you okay?” 

“No,” he said softly. “I didn’t know he hated me that much. I just feel like I’ve ruined everything, Liv. I’m sorry.” 

“He’s upset. We should talk to him. I’m not sure exactly what it is that’s upsetting him so much,” she said. “I’m going to talk with him, but um….maybe you should too.” 

Rafael looked away, but she knew he was thinking about it. “Let me think,” he said softly. 

Liv nodded, going back to find Noah. She knocked on his door. He was sitting on his bed, hugging Eddie to his chest. She hated the tears on his cheeks. She sat down next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “Honey, tell me what’s going on,” she said softly. He sniffled, wiping his face. 

“He can’t take her, Mom,” he whispered. 

“Take her? Noah, honey, I would never let anyone take her, and your Uncle Rafa wouldn’t do that,” Liv said softly. “He loves you and he loves Hope. He is Hope’s Dad, and it’s only fair that he gets to spend time with her, but he would never actually take her away from us.” 

“It’s not fair,” Noah whispered, hiding his face in his arms. Liv didn’t know what exactly he meant by that, but she rubbed his back, trying to comfort him. 

“Noah, what’s wrong?” she asked again. 

“He just came back for her didn’t he?” he whispered, his little body shaking with sobs. Liv’s heart ached. 

“No, Noah. He came back because he was ready to come back,” she said. 

“No he didn’t. He left when it was you and me, but when Hope was here, he came back. He was mine first, Mom. I don’t have a Dad, but Uncle Rafa was mine. Now he’s only here because of Hope. He loves her more than he loves me,” Noah whispered, swiping at the tears on his face. 

“Noah that isn’t true,” Liv said softly. 

“Why’d he leave? I know you said he’s different. He is, but I still don’t understand,” he said. Liv wasn’t sure what to say, but then there was a knock on the door. She stood, poking her head outside. 

“I’ll talk to him,” Rafael said softly, running a nervous hand through his hair. “But um, I need to know if it’s okay with you if I’m blunt with him about what happened. To an extent of course. I just don’t think he’ll understand unless I tell him the truth.” Liv wanted to say no. She wanted to protect her son from the truth of what had happened, but she knew that Rafael was right. Noah needed to truly understand. She wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea, but she trusted Rafael. 

“Can I be there when you talk to him?” she asked. 

“Liv,” he whispered. “Please. I’m sorry, I can’t.” 

“Alright,” she said. “I trust you. I’ll take the baby.” He gave her Hope, and she squeezed his hand before leaving him to talk to her son. 

Rafael felt like he couldn’t breathe. The prospect of telling Noah about this was painful, but he knew it needed to be done. The tears on Noah’s face hurt him. He wanted to fix it. He hoped that he could. “Hi Noah,” he said softly. Noah wouldn’t look at him. “I’m going to sit down if that’s okay.” 

“Okay,” Noah finally whispered, sounding less than thrilled. 

“Your Mom says you want to know why I left,” he said. “Is it okay if I talk to you about it?” 

Noah looked up at him. “Yeah,” he finally said. 

“Alright,” Rafael said softly, taking a deep breath and preparing himself. It needed to be done no matter how much it hurt. 

  
  



End file.
